Chapter 24
5 days later
Everything about her, hurt. Her head had a permanent migraine it
seemed. Her legs ached from running through
the airport like she did. Her stomach
hurt from anxiety. And her eyes hurt
from crying.
She had been drunk. And when she was drunk she did extremely
stupid things: like kiss people and
become overly flirty and accidentally fall down and break up with her
boyfriend.
Oh, her ears hurt too, from being
cussed out repeatedly on the phone by Rick.
She had called him the night before and spilled everything. She had told him how in love she was with
Justin, how she felt unworthy of him, and how she had had a few too many shots
in her system.
She had been bumming all day and
her 27 year old hippy cousin, Ted,
finally one without a K, invited her over to his place to watch TV and drink,
because according to him she looked like she could use a couple in her
system. Well, a couple became a little
more than a few and she ended up calling Justin and drunkenly breaking up with
him with out much of a reason.
She woke up the next day with a
headache and a terrible desire to call him, but she couldn’t bring herself to
do it. She was too ashamed now. She knew he probably woke up to his senses
and went out that very night and fucked some blonde twit.
He was free of her finally.
But then she talked to Rick.
He had yelled at her for being so
childish and then softly told her about Justin.
He told her how he wasn’t saying a word to anyone. He told her how Trace and him got in a huge
argument the other night that half the arena could hear. Then she found out that fights between Trace
and Justin, like the screaming match that took place, were something that
rarely ever happened. He explained to
her how quiet he had been and how one time he had thought he caught Justin
crying.
That broke it for her.
And that broke her. She sobbed
to Rick over the phone at that moment.
She realized how much of a fool she had been and finally, she realized
how much he really loved her.
So she left her family, most of
who had already went their separate ways, booked a flight, and was now in a cab
in New York, hoping to get back to hotel before the show was over and hoping
that she had enough cash in her wallet to pay for her cab fare.
And she hoped when she got there
and pulled out the key to Justin’s room she still had, that it would work, and
that when he’d come back he’d be happy to see her and they’d cry and kiss and
make up.
It was exactly
She smiled. And then that anxiety built up again.
She paid the cab and was sure he
called her a bitch in whatever language he was native to. She grabbed her small bag and hoisted it over
her shoulder. She walked through the doors,
weaved her way through the lobby, seeing a couple people that looked familiar
hanging out, and then straight to the elevators. She ignored all the glitz and glam; she had
had enough of a culture shock when they had arrived here to begin with. She made it to the elevators and pressed the up
button when she was stopped by one of the security guards from the hotel.
“Excuse me ma’am, do you have a
key?”
She rolled her eyes and turned
around on her heel. She gave the guy a
bored look. He didn’t look much older
than her. “Are you seriously gonna make
me get it out?”
He nodded quickly. “Yes, security precaution.”
She waved her hand in the air and
looked off to the side. This was the
last thing she needed right now. She
wanted to go up the damn elevator, to his room, and finally get rid of all
those damn butterflies in her stomach.
But no, her anxiety had to be prolonged. “Look, I’m with the tour. Believe me I’m not a teeny.”
“Key please, ma’am.”
She growled under her breath and
let her bag fall off her shoulder and hit the ground with the thud. She mumbled curse words under her breath as
she squatted down and unzipped her side pouch where she kept all her keys and
important stuff. But as she flipped
through she didn’t see anything. She
started to panic a little. “Shit, I must
have left it in his room. Dammit.”
“Ma’am if you are not checked in
here you need to leave.” The guy’s voice
got a little edgier and it made her want to scream. She could see herself now behind bars all
over a stupid room key.
She thought about looking for her
tour pass. Maybe if he saw that he’d cut
her some slack. She kept frantically
searching. “Shit, I bet my pass isn’t
anywhere around either.”
“Ma’am will you please follow me.”
She looked up at him and then over
his shoulder to see two larger men with hotel uniforms on, barreling their
way. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
A few seconds later, hands were on
her shoulders trying to lift her, but her hand caught something at the bottom
of her bag. She pulled it out and pushed
it into their faces, yelling. “LOOK!
SEE! PASS THINGY! And look, ooo, a key to a room too. Get off me punks!” She pushed the younger guy off her and the
two other security guards backed down and exited the scene.
The young guy bowed slightly and
gave her a pitiful look. “I’m sorry
ma’am. I’m just goin my job.”
She just rolled her eyes, zipped
her bag back up and turned around.
“Whatever.”
She got in the elevator and
sighed. She rode up to the floor and
when the doors opened a wave of nervousness came to her. She didn’t know what to expect and she was
scared out of her mind.
She shot through the doors and
made her way quickly to the left, towards his room. “Excuse- Kirsten! Hey there.”
She was startled for a moment,
thinking she was going to get checked again, but it was only Todd. She sighed and smiled. “Hey Todd.”
He stopped about 5 feet in front
of her and looked back at the elevators, double checking to make sure no one
snuck by. “I didn’t think you were
coming back.”
“Me either.”
Todd smiled secretively. “You come back to make up with the J man and
stuff?”
She just shook her head and turned
around, hoping he would take the hint that she really didn’t want to talk about
it with anyone. “I’ll talk to ya later
Todd.”
“Oh ok, I get it. Be nice to the boy.”
She looked over his shoulder and
he was already back to his post. “I’ll try.”
She was at the door to his room
when she realized the butterflies were still there. She looked down the hall at Todd and called
out, “Hey wait.”
He leaned forward on his chair and
turned to her. “What?”
“They back from the show yet?”
He nodded and then leaned back
more comfortably. “Just got back.”
Forget the butterflies, these were
bees. And if she wasn’t careful, she was
going to get stung. And she was allergic
to bees. Actually she wasn’t. She was
just so terrified of them that she told everyone she was so they’d wouldn’t
think she was a wuss when she ran away screaming. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want to barge in, but she didn’t
want to knock. Finally she decided to do
both. If she got stung, then she’d run
away screaming. But she had to take the
chance.
She stuck her key in the slot,
cracked open the door and knocked. She
heard the TV on pretty loud and then heard it go to mute and when she opened
the door up a little further and stuck her head in she wasn’t prepared for what
she saw.
It was just him and Trace. Trace was sitting in a chair in the corner
looking up at her peculiarly, a beer can resting in his hand. Justin was standing up, eyes wide, looking a
little afraid. He was in track pants and
a wife beater.
She wondered what the hell she had
been tripping on to make her want to break up with him because he looked damn good
right then. Tired, but damn good. Silence was so thick in the room, but she had
to speak. So she stepped in a little
farther.
“Hey.”
He took a deep breath. He seemed slightly relieved, but also
scared. “What are you doing here?”
She licked her lips, the anxiety
at its max right then. She was ready to
run away. She didn’t want to be rejected
and she had a big feeling she was about to be.
“I- I came back.”
He changed. Something in him changed. He wasn’t scared anymore. He seemed annoyed and frustrated and
somewhere in her got pissed off. The old
Kristen got pissed off and defensive.
But the new one was still showing.
Her eyes were watering. “I see
that. But what are you doing here?”
His hands were on his hips and she
mocked his position, but first letting her bag fall to the floor with a thud
and then throwing her key down on it. “I came
to apologize.”
He rolled his eyes at her and
plopped down on the edge of the bed in front of the TV. “Apology accepted.”
She scoffed and looked over at
Trace who was staring at her wide eyed.
“I haven’t even said anything
yet!”
She watched Justin as he groaned
into his hands and then lay back on the bed.
His hands fell to his sides and he looked up at the ceiling. “Kirsten, what the hell do you want from me?”
Now it was her turn to roll her
eyes. She could smell fresh soap from
her position right by the bathroom and feel the humidity coming from the
steam. He had just taken a shower. She wanted to be against his body, smelling
his clean skin and feeling the heat radiate off from him. But he was being distant, he was picking a
fight intentionally, and he was getting under her skin. “Please don’t start this shit.”
“I don’t wanna be messed
with.” His head lifted from the bed for
a moment to look at her, and then went back down against the floral
pattern. “Truthfully what do you
want? You wanna
drag me around? You wanna do what every
other girl I’ve dated has done?”
It was like he was a Sioux or
something and she was a doe. She could
feel the arrow going straight into her stomach. “Jus-“
Trace caught her attention. His eyes were wide and he looked more
uncomfortable than the fat kid in gym class.
“Uh, you guys want me-“
But he was interrupted and she was
startled. Justin rolled his body forward
off the bed and stalked over towards her. It was the closest they had been in
about 5 days. He took a deep breath,
looked at the ceiling and let it out.
His blue eyes smacked into hers and she was forced to stare at him and
listen. “I love you. I told you over and over. I tried showing you. And maybe I’ve fucked up a few times on the
way but despite what people might tell you, I’m not perfect. God, I don’t understand it why everyone
thinks this. I’m human, don’t you GET
that? But since I’m who I am every tiny
STUPID NORMAL mistake that I make that tons
of guys make every day, since I’m who I am, it gets blown out of
proportion. I thought you understood
this. I thought maybe you’d cut me some
slack. You treated me normal and then
you brought out this you don’t deserve me shit.
YES I do Kristen. I deserve
someone that keeps me grounded. I
deserve someone that cuts my ego down. I
deserve someone that treats me normal.
You did that, but now it’s changed.
So what do you want Kirsten? Do
you want me to be your boyfriend? OR do
you want that guy on the stage? The guy
I am when I’m working. Who do you want
Kirsten? Ya
know sometimes I just wish that I-“
“I want you Justin!” She had had
enough. She was breathing like she had
just finished the
He stared at her and she was about
to walk away from him. She knew he was
going to reject her. His face was
emotionless and if she looked harder she knew she would find that her little
outburst just made him enraged. He hated
her now.
But then the corner of the left
side of his mouth was pulled tighter.
His left cheek got a little fuller, and soon she saw the white of his
teeth shine through. He was smiling at
her. It was a small smile, a half
smile. But it was a smile and a genuine
one at that.
She started smiling herself and
then felt her cheeks get hot. She didn’t
know why she was blushing but she was.
He stepped forward and it was silent but she saw his mouth, saw the
movement and her heart heard him when he barely whispered, “Baby…”
She jumped when she felt a hand on
her shoulder and looked to her side to see Trace smiling between Justin and
her, with his hand on each of their shoulders.
“Ok, normally I would make a really lame excuse like I had to go make a
call or something but, I can tell you two want to rip each others clothes off
so I’m just gonna go. Kristen, good to
see you sweetie. Justin, always
remember, no glove no love.”
She felt a kiss on her cheek and
seconds later heard the door shut and then click when the lock latched.
Justin’s eyes moved from behind
her, to her face. He chuckled, “What an
ass-“
She wasn’t in the mood for
laughter. “I love you.”
“Baby…” His arm opened to her and she stepped into
his body and wrapped herself around him.
She clutched his shirt in her hands and pushed her face into his chest.
The fabric made her voice
muffled. “I’m so sorry. I- I was drunk
and I wasn’t thinking.”
She felt his arm around her and
his hand running over her head. It made
her feel safe. It made her feel
good. It made her feel home. “Shhh…It’s..it’s ok.”
She held him tight and started to
feel the heat from his body warm her up.
She took a deep breath and took all of him in. He was hers and she wasn’t going to make that
mistake again and let him free. She
needed him and so what if she held him back?
It was time for her to be selfish and that meant keeping him at all
costs. “So, y- you want me back.”
He smiled down at her and she
wanted to take a picture so it’d last forever.
“You know I do.”
“You forgive me?”
His smile was playful and that was
a good thing. “Maybe…”
But this was off. Something was weird. He forgave her way too fast. She pulled away and looked at him very
critically. He seemed different and she
couldn’t put her finger on it but he seemed that way. She shook her head. “Whoa, wow.”
He asked, following her to where she
had plopped down on the bed. “What?”
“I thought I was gonna have to beg
or something. This is a lot easier.”
He lay down on the bed and pulled
her up beside him. He situated her into
his body and held her tightly, very tightly.
Any tighter and she’d suffocate.
“I’m an easy goin’ kinda
guy. So you want me? Regular Justin?”
She wiggled a little, trying to
get out of his gasp and more comfortable. “Yes, Justin. I want you, just you.”
“Yes…” His voice was quiet, like he had won a
personal victory.
She looked him again in the
face. It was still there. Her eyebrows merged and she stared hard. “Something’s up.”
“What do you mean?” His voice was too casual.
She narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re being a little weird.”
“I am?”
“Clingy.”
He tensed but when he took a deep
breath and let it out the tension seemed to leave him and she felt better about
the situation. “Well I thought I had
lost my girlfriend and then she comes back and tells me she’s sorry and she
loves me. So I’m clingy and happy.”
“Yeah, but still...”
He took his hand and placed it on
her cheek. She noticed it was cold and
clammy, unlike normal. His big dark eyes
looked lost and worried and she felt bad and wanted to keep him from whatever it
was that was causing him to be that way.
“I-I just don’t wanna lose you.”
She placed her hand on his cheek
and found his face unusually hot. She
watched his eyes close as his forehead hit hers and she whispered, “You won’t,
you won’t.”
----
He was nervous.
He was going to loose her. He felt it.
But she couldn’t know.
He loved her. He loved her desperately. And it scared him that he had such strong
feelings, and that they had come that fast and that they were for someone who
was so different than him. When he was
with Britney he thought he was with the person he was going to spend the rest
of his life with. With the girlfriends
before that, he was just too immature to know any better. He didn’t know if he could see himself being
with Kirsten for forever. He couldn’t
see her having children, and whenever he thought of that he was reminded of
what she had told him about her past.
She was close. She was very close to being a mother at one
point, but he couldn’t even imagine it.
She was hard and she had had a tough past that had probably forced her
to grow up a lot faster than most kids.
So had he.
But there was a big difference
between the two of them. He had been
forced to grow up and forced to become very mature. He had the mind of a 35 year old.
She was still very very much 20
years old. She was naïve. She was immature. And it reminded him of the little visitor he
had had a couple days before.
Being like that with her felt
good. It felt good having her lips
travel down him. But his mind was
elsewhere and he hoped she didn’t sense it or maybe he did hope so. He didn’t know how it had gotten out of hand,
but they got naked really quickly and started doing things. Her body affected him like nothing else. He had forgotten how beautiful her body
was. How her skin seemed to radiate when
the lights were off, no matter if it was day or night.
And when she started to get to
that area, that area that was starting to push out the distant thoughts in his
brain, he knew he was going to have to stop it before he did something he’d
regret and something he’d have to pay for.
He wondered if she was doing this
to make up for what she had done to him.
He wouldn’t let her.
He looked down and was startled
when he met her eyes. They were grayish
blue, not brown. Her hair was light
brown and pulled back in a straight ponytail, not dyed blonde and wavy. Her hands on his waist were small, the nails
bitten off and free of nail polish except for a few left over specks of black,
not French manicured, with long nails.
He was losing it.
“What is it?”
She stopped from where she was
pulling him out of his boxers. Somehow
laying there with her, having her comfort him and love him had turned into
kissing. Kissing evolved into her being
naked and him being in his boxers with her hand sneaking in the small slit over
his crotch. “Don’t.”
“You don’t want me to?” Her eyes were big, wide, innocent, dammit,
sexy.
“You’re doing it as a sorry. I don’t want that.”
“But-“
He rolled away from her and pulled
his legs over the side of the bed. He
sighed and stared at his feet. “I need
to talk to you.”
“Oh god.”
He looked at her and she looked
terrified. She curled into herself,
covering her body. He had scared her and
that’s not what he meant to do. “Its…lay
with me.”
He pulled back the covers and
watched her scurry under them. He got in
after her and felt her body press into his.
He looked over and she was inches from him, staring, trying to figure
him out.
He was in trouble.
“You look scared.”
He was. He was terrified. He couldn’t tell her. But he had to. She’d find out someway somehow. That’s how it always happened.
But she was so beautiful staring
at him. She loved him and he loved
her. And he wanted to show her, with
every part of him. He wanted to purify
himself, get rid of all the negative and start over.
And he wanted her with him. He couldn’t explain it. It made no sense. But he couldn’t be with out her.
“I-“
“What?”
“I want to make love to you.” It came out of his mouth before he could
seriously think about it. And by the
look on her face he just knew was one of rejection. He shouldn’t have said it.
He couldn’t let her know.
“O- ok.”
He looked at her strangely, half
not believe that all she had to say was “ok” and the other half of him
convincing him that he didn’t hear her.
“What?”
She stared at his chest for a
moment and then lifted her eyes to his.
She looked innocent and she looked scared but she seemed damn sure of
herself. “I want to, too.”
“You do?”
She rolled her eyes and
pushed him a little, a smile breaking
through her lips. “No, I just said that
because I’m a really good cock tease.”
But he wasn’t in the mood to joke
around. This was serious. If he was ready and she was ready, then oh
shit. This was it. They were going to do it. It seemed weird that it was such a big deal
to him, to them, to their relationship.
But sex was a big thing. He
didn’t ever see it as just sex, just getting off, but it was more. For him it was really connecting with
someone. He believed whoever you had sex
with would always stay with you no matter where you went, and even though he
knew the media liked to play him as the ladies man, he wasn’t.
Sex was special and even though he
knew most guys would laugh their asses off at him, he’d deny it if he didn’t
feel right about it. “Seriously
Kristen.”
“I love you.”
He sighed. She was now trying to convince him that she
was serious and he knew she was. It was
going to happen. He was going to make
love to her.
There was nothing to stop him
now. “I know, you’ve told me.”
She curled up to him and began to
softly kiss his chest. It felt good and
that part below his belly started to stir.
“What do you want me to say? I
want to feel your body against mine.”
He met her eyes and smiled. “That’s a start.”
“I wanna feel that big dick in my
pussy. Oh yeah, slap my ass.”
He shook his head. Only her.
Her face tried to be serious but soon he felt her nose and her smile
pressed into his skin over his heart and felt her body shake a little with
giggles. “Why must you do that?”
“Cause you like it.”
His arms wrapped around her and
rolled over, pushing his body weight into her grinding his hips a little. “You know it.”
“Oww.” He pulled away, realizing he was smushing her
a little and finally situated himself over her, most of his weight on his
forearms. He hovered over her with him
in-between her legs, resting against her and the bed. They had lay like this before, him pressing
into her with no barriers or anything, but now, knowing they were going to make
love, it felt different. His sensations
were heightened.
But he wasn’t ready to get that
serious yet. He needed to be playful
first. He had learned that with
her. Too much seriousness scared her,
and he didn’t want to scare her. If they
were going to do this he wanted it to be perfect. He just wished he had had time to plan it
out. “Ya know you should break up with me more often if the make up part means
we’re naked in bed together.”
“Pig.” She pushed at his shoulder.
“Oh my god, Jessie!”
“Jessie?”
He smiled at her confused features
saying, “Ya know Saved By the Bell. Jessie always called Slater a pig.”
“No, you’re definitely not
Slater.”
“I know, I’m Zach all the way.”
“No,” she smirked at him,
“Screech.”
He sighed and laid his head down
on her chest, hearing the soft thump of her heart. “Dude, Screech is the shit.”
“You would think so.”
“I bet you thought screech was
hot. I bet you wanted to do him.”
“No. I want to have sex with you.”
He rolled his eyes at her,
continuing their playful conversation.
“Duh. Who doesn’t?”
“No Justin.” But then the playfulness ended. He realized she was pretty damn ready for
him. Her eyes were sure and she didn’t
look scared at all anymore. Her hands
were on his shoulders and he could feel her body all against his, warm and wet
and waiting for him. He didn’t have to
persuade her, he didn’t have to comfort her or give a speech to her about how
they could stop whenever. She wanted him
now. “I want to have sex with you.”
And it shocked the hell out of
him. “Holy Shit.”
Her eyes broke contact with
his. “Please.”
“I- Damn.”
“I- I…” Oh no, he saw her eyes
start to water. This wasn’t good. His mind couldn’t take much more. He didn’t know whether to be upset or happy
or scared or concerned. She was so damn
sure of her self and so mature and that was so out of ordinary for her.
“What?”
“I wanna feel you.”
He felt her hand on him. Felt her stroke him and then felt her lips
travel up to his neck and start to torture him.
He wasn’t sure. He was scared. He wasn’t ready. “D- don’t do this to me.”
“Please…”
But he was a man, and he had a
penis and in that moment it took over him and he wanted to do nothing more than
feel her around him and be inside of her.
“O- ok…”
And so he kissed her. He kissed her hard and could feel how much
she wanted him and was enjoying this. He
started to loose his breath, started to get dizzy, but kept kissing her and
touching her breast as she touched him.
His mind was on one thing, her, fucking her. He couldn’t stop himself, he was a machine.
Her felt her tiny hands pull him
closer. Felt them place him where he was
supposed to go. All he had to do now was
push. He wasn’t even thinking
safety. He didn’t even have condoms on
him. He looked down at her. She looked beautiful and he wanted her
badly. And he was going to have her.
“I love you.”
But she loved him.
He caught his breath finally and
the world stopped spinning. Everything
became perfectly clear. It was clear she
wanted him. It was clear they were about
to have sex. It was clear he was not
thinking clearly. And it was perfectly
clear that he couldn’t do this.
Not after what had happened.
He was reminded of what he had
done, or what SHE had done a few days before.
He was royally fucked up. He saw
she was getting worried. Could feel it
the way her hands were gripping his arms tighter, hear it in her breath as it
sped up, see it in her eyes as they got bigger and he eyebrows furrowed.
“I…” He rolled off and her stared at the
ceiling. “I can’t.”
“Wh-what?”
He looked over at her and couldn’t
stand the sight of her. He couldn’t look
at her after what he had done.
He ran to the bathroom and shut
the door. Cold water splashed against
his face and made his skin prickle and sting.
He looked up at himself in the mirror.
His eyes look drawn in and lifeless.
“Justin, let me in. What’s wrong?” She banged on the door but he had locked
it. He looked at himself again. He couldn’t believe he tried to forget her,
forget it all, forget what they had done.
Kristen was right. He wasn’t over
her. He wanted to hurt himself.
He physically wanted to beat himself
up. He didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve her to love him that
much. He didn’t deserve to make love to
her. He felt like a bastard, an asshole,
he felt like a bad person.
No, he couldn’t make love to
her. And he was ashamed to think that he
could. He actually thought he could,
even though he had just been with his ex girlfriend two nights before.
He was a bad person.