He stared at himself in the
mirror, watching his own misery, blinking and hoping it would go away. But it didn’t. Every soft close of his eyelids only made the
fear sink deeper and every time he looked back into his own eyes, staring back
at his slouched position in the chair, he felt the cloud of shame thicken
around him. He didn’t know how much
longer he could go without choking.
He had been scared. He had felt too much and been creeped out. It was
fun when it was just attraction. It was
fine if he just wanted to sleep with her.
And he did. God, he did. But he wanted more. The more he kissed her and the more he
touched her and the harder he pressed her up against that wall, the more he
realized he was addicted. He was gone
and he had been there before. Every time before he had somehow managed to ruin it, whether it was
on the first day, on the 3rd week, or on the 2nd year. Having feelings for her, whatever they were,
was stupid. And it was dangerous. He was an adrenaline junkie, that was for
sure, but this was potential suicide.
This was torture.
She had looked scared, almost as
scared as him, when he left her standing alone and silent in her trailer. He know she felt like she had done something
wrong, and he had been a fool to leave her there with pointless guilt. When he had stalked to his own trailer he saw
the bystanders waiting, hoping he’d come out with messy hair and a content look
on his face. Instead he came out with a
scowl, confused, frustrated, pathetic.
He had instinctively dialed some
numbers into his phone, not really sure why.
And when she had answered with a questionable, shocked “Justin?” he knew
he had made a mistake. He had kicked everyone
out of his trailer, trying to buy himself some more time, trying to figure out
why in the hell he had called her of all people. Maybe he was trying to get some closure. Maybe he was trying to clarify their break up
so that he could start with Susan and have no questions or doubts about
Cameron. The truth was he didn’t know
why he had called her, all he knew was that he had
completely fallen for Susan and almost completely forgotten about his recent
break up.
Normally he moped,
normally he went into depression, normally his world shut down for a few
weeks. Normally he called, begged,
cried, made a fool of himself. And he did that. No doubt he did that with Cameron, but not
that day. That particular day he woke
up, knowing that he had to work, knowing it was going to suck. How was he supposed to act all in love with someone
he didn’t know, especially after the woman he had loved had walked out of his
life with little excuse? But then he sat
down beside Susan and things didn’t seem so bad. She spoke and the world seemed a little
sweeter.
He had had his heart broken
before. He had tried to use other women
to forget and it had never worked before.
He hadn’t tried to do anything with Susan. He met her and forgot all the misery in his
love life and was filled with hope.
It was simple at first and the
more he thought about it, it amazingly did not seem to become more
complicated. The most perplexing thing
about them was how incredible simple it was.
It started out as a simple hope to kiss her. He didn’t know why, he just wanted to. He could have pulled in some psychological
bull shit about anxiety from the knowledge of having to kiss her in front of
people, but he had never really been one for psychology. He had thought so at one more, read some
books and then determined they were all trying way too hard to simplify
people’s problems and were cutting out any sort of faith or spirituality into
people’s thinking.
They cut out fate.
He wished Trace hadn’t left. He wished he was there to talk to. Phone calls were getting him into trouble, so
he put his phone up on the counter and just stared at it, still amazed that he
had called her. It had been an awkward
conversation, a struggled “how are you doing?” and “well, I was just checking
in.” She knew something was up. In some
sick sense he wanted to shout to her that he had found someone better, someone
sweeter, prettier, more down to earth than she could
ever be. But he didn’t want to make
Susan into the rebound, the revenge, the recuperation.
No, Susan wasn’t there to help him
get over Cameron. She was there for some
bigger purpose and perhaps for no purpose at all. She was there to make him happy. And right now he was miserable because he had
potentially fucked it all up. He should
have told his inner voice to go fuck a tree and continued to kiss her until
Jason busted in on them with some sexually illicit comment.
But instead he ran away. He ran away like a pussy who was terrified of
love. What did he expect? He had been burned time and time before. He latest wound had yet to heal, hell, had
yet to be cleaned. Susan wasn’t an
anesthetic, nor was she a waterproof, flexible cartooned band-aid. She was something different. Not a distraction, nor an eraser. She wasn’t a cover up or a safety net. Maybe that’s what scared him. He didn’t know what she was. He had honestly never felt such pure, simple
emotion for anyone else in his life.
Even his family, his mom, his brothers, even they sometimes had their
own drama with him, their own clauses and asterisks, guiding him to a footnote
on special treatment for certain situations.
He didn’t have to be careful around Susan. And that was hazardous.
She was different. Everyone always thought that about whoever
they were dating at the time, but she…she really was. She was different, fresh, unlike anything he
had seen in a long time. Not quite naïve
as him and Britney had been, yet not nearly as jaded as him and Cameron had
become. She was hurt, but she was still
pure, terrified of falling in love but craving it at the same time—needing it.
He sighed and rubbed his hands
over his face. He was in much too deep
and he was late for set. He hoped none
of the gossip surrounding him and Susan had made its way to Richard’s ears. He didn’t need that. He doubt Richard would mind as long as their
performances and acting was on par, but still, he didn’t need anyone doubting
him and he didn’t want anyone doubting Susan.
He got up and stretched. His clothes for the set were on a hanger and
he slipped them off the hanger, threw them over the back of his chair. He changed into them silently, trying to
drown out his own thoughts with the sounds of denim flapping over his legs.
As soon as he entered the studio
he thought about turning around and running away again. She was on the set, nervously biting her lip
and tapping her foot. Richard was
helping the lighting guys set up and Olivia was busy making sure that Susan
looked perfectly.
Before he had the chance to run to
her…or from her, he was pounced on by Bridgette. Powder was being applied to his face and Margie
was pulling him along, complaining that he was late and that they didn’t have
time on such a tight schedule. She
practically yanked him up onto the set, forcing him to maintain his balance but
not without getting dangerously close to Susan.
She had been staring at him but then pulled her eyes away and refused to
look at him. He knew he fucked up now.
He knew that he had made a mistake ditching her to call Cameron. He just hoped she didn’t know this last
little detail.
He hoped her silence was merely
some trick she used to get into character, but something in side of him told
him otherwise.
“My lovebirds! Ya’ll ready to fight?” Justin jumped when he felt a hand
clamp onto his shoulder and looked at Susan who made a point to only look at
Richard. The crew cleared from the set.
“Of course,” Susan said sounding
uncaring, too uncaring.
Richard clapped his hands. “Ok you two.
Susan, sit on the couch. Justin go to the door and when I yell ‘action’ come on through. Alright?”
She nodded and went to perch
herself on the worn couch. The set was
Daniel’s apartment. The same set from
minutes before when they had kissed. Seven times. The
lighting was different. It looked light,
like it was daytime. He felt hands on
his shoulders and numbly shuffled where the hands were pushing him to go. A door was opened for him and he stepped into
it in a mock hallway, furnished and set up enough just so when the door opened
in the shot it looked realistic.
“When I say action, wait about three
seconds and then burst through the doorway, just like you would if you were
coming home from work. Keys in your
hand, some mail.” Justin stood there and
sighed as Julie promptly handed him a set of keys and some unopened mail. “You’re surprised to see Valerie in there and
then you can start with the dialogue.
You ready? Where’s your script?”
“Oh…” Justin looked down at his
hands that were filled with keys and envelopes.
“I must have forgot it.” He felt lost, like the
only kid in class that forgot it was show and tell day. But he couldn’t improvise. He couldn’t make up something. He couldn’t claim that the shirt he was
wearing was a shirt bought in some far away state, or that he had brought a
magical talking frog but that he jumped away at lunch time. He did that one once, and he was so good and
so animated that the teacher gave him a gold star for creativity, even though
she knew damn well he had failed to bring something to class. He wondered what Susan had brought to show
and tell.
“Well improvise. Remember this is the big fight. This is her finding out you’re leaving her
and this is you facing your fear of rejection and loneliness. You got this.”
Justin gulped as the door was shut
in his face and he was left in a claustrophobic box of a hallway. If only Richard knew how true this storyline
was to his life. He was terrified of loneliness
and getting pretty damn tired of rejection.
He didn’t know what made him trust Susan or what made him feel what he
did for her. It was just there. Like highway noise, or bills, or
roaches. No matter where you went or
what you did, they were all still there.
He trusted Susan and nothing was going to change that
Now he just had to get her to
trust him and he had to stop acting like a fool.
He rested his back against the ply
board there and waited. He heard someone
call scene and then heard Richard’s “action”.
He sighed, took a breath and hoped that the scene would run smoothly, in
few takes, and that maybe he’d get to talk to her afterwards.
His hand was on the door and he
pushed it open, pretending to be coming in for the day, looking down at his
keys and his mail. He shut the door
behind him and looked up.
She was beautiful, even with her
somber face sitting on the couch looking like she could cry. He set down the things in his hands and
stared at her, “Hey…”
She laughed quietly, hoarsely and
nodded her head, looking down at something in her hands. “Hi.”
“What’s going on?” He moved, remembering the set
directions. He was to walk past the
camera, in front of the couch and coffee table where she was at. He did as he was told, but tripped on the
way. “Shit.”
Quiet laughter filled the set and
he blushed, looking at her for a smile.
She didn’t look at him, didn’t smile, only sat
back against the couch.
“Alright, try again.”
It was annoying. Five takes later and they still hadn’t made
it to the actual conversation. He
growled in frustration back in his little cell outside of the fake
doorway. He didn’t mind the several
takes, he didn’t mind repetition, but having her ignore him, having her not
even respond to him was utter torture and he didn’t know what he was going to
have to do to make her look at him. He’d
do it during shooting if he had to.
He heard action again and repeated
his movements. “Hey…”
“Hi.”
He sighed, hoping to make it to
the other side of the small set without hearing another “cut”. “What’s going on?”
A smile almost came to his lips
when he realized was triumphantly farther in the scene than before. “So, were you just not going to tell
me?” He turned and her eyes were burning
into his. They were brimmed with tears
and there was anger behind her face that he hadn’t seen before.
“What?”
She waved what was in her hand at
him. A plane ticket. This was the scene where Valerie found out
that Daniel was leaving LA, leaving
“Val…”
“What?” She was supposed to say his name there. She didn’t and he stared at her and realized, she wasn’t acting.
Yeah, she was saying the words she was supposed to and doing the
movements, but her anger and her frustration and her tears weren’t fake.
Fuck.
And now he had to act like he was
pissed at her. “So you were snooping?”
“You never tell me anything.” She
said to him defiantly. “You’re the one who gave me a key and you’re the one who
left this right here for me to see.”
“I…” He stopped, licked his lips then said, “I
just can’t handle it anymore.”
“What am I gonna
do?” She was forcefully holding back her
tears now. Her lip was shaking. “What
the hell am I gonna do when you’re gone?”
He groaned and pointed a finger at
her. “You’re the one that was pushing
us! You’re the one that kept changing
your mind. You’re the one that’s all
scared and has the insecurities!” He didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to act. It was like he was a robot, or outside of
himself. He was going through the
motions, going through the scene he memorized, but watching it from the
outside. It was like a bad dream. He wanted to scream at himself, Stop! But when he opened his
mouth, silence.
“I’m scared?!” She yelled and shot up from the couch. “You’re the one running away.” Running away from her and calling his ex, he
knew that’s what she wanted to say. He
knew now. She knew. She knew he called Cameron, she knew he was
terrified. He had blown it. It was such a simple mistake but it was the
one small sneeze that started an avalanche.
“What else am I supposed to
do? I’m stuck Valerie!” He almost gasped to hear that come out of his
mouth. Susan, her name was Susan. He wasn’t acting, not this time. “You’re…you’re fucking-” He took a breath trying to remember
his lines and trying not to scream out that he loved her. “You’re what everyone wants now. You’re the one with the TV deal. I’m stuck back in commercial land.” She
stared at him and he shook his head. “I
mean, hell, it’s not like we’re married.”
“But you…” The anger was
gone. She stepped towards him and he could
hear her shoes against the rug. The set
was silent. Everyone was watching
this. He wanted to turn and yell at them
and tell them to leave them alone, but he couldn’t. He was stuck, stuck trying to say he was
sorry, trying to tell her he needed another chance. But his actions and his words defied him,
even if they weren’t his own. “But we’re
in-”
“In love?” He forced himself to say bitterly, swallowing the lump in
his throat when her tears slipped down her face. “When did I ever mention that?”
“Fuck you!” She came over and pushed him. It wasn’t a joke, her tears weren’t a
game. She started to pace, and that
wasn’t in the script.
He stepped for her and tried to
grab her arm. “Shit, I’m…” That wasn’t
in the script either. Nor was her rough
way of pulling her arm from him.
“I can’t do this without you. Don’t you get that?” She was crying full on now and he was shocked
when she came up and grabbed his arms.
She shook her head and pleaded with him looking into his eyes. “Let me go with you.”
“What? This is your dream.”
“No it’s not.” She shook her head.
He softened his voice, “All you’ve
talked about is being on TV, being in the movies, being a fucking star. You got it girl. You fucking got it.”
She shook her head and pulled herself
against him, crying against him. He
wanted to hold her. He needed to. His arms itched to just circle around her,
but he couldn’t. He fucking couldn’t. “It changed.
My dreams changed.”
“To what? Back
to waiting tables?” He said, hating that he had to act like an asshole.
But he realized he wasn’t acting. He was
one. He had been stupid. And he was losing her. It
shouldn’t hurt this much, he thought.
Not yet, not this soon.
“No, you.” She whispered. She
pulled away a little and looked up at him.
“Don’t you get it? It’s...it’s
all you.”
He almost kissed her. He looked into her eyes, streaming with
tears, begging for him to love her. He
saw it there. She was going to forgive
him. She already had. But he had hurt her, and that was going to
set them back. He should have
known. Susan was a fragile girl, and he
had forgotten that.
But her eyes narrowed a little. He wondered why and then realize
she was trying to snap him out of it.
They were still on set. They were
still recording and he realized he had to do the one thing he almost couldn’t
bring himself to do. He pushed her
away. “I can’t deal with you when you’re
like this.”
“Like what?” She asked. And he didn’t say anything, just went and sat
on the couch and picked up the fake plane ticket. He glanced up at her and she was bawling. She
was bawling. “Like what?! Like I’m in love with you?” She
screamed. “Are you so scared of that?” She
laughed, and he wanted to throw up. “Is
that why you’re running away?”
“Stop it.” He was beginning to
despise his own character.
“Cause you’re scared of someone
loving you! I’m not…I’m not HER.”
He gulped. No she wasn’t. She wasn’t Britney and she definitely wasn’t
Cameron. She was his Suze. She was mature, yet still naïve. Hurt, but not devastated. Unbelieving, but not
hopeless. He turned from her and
stared off into space, saying. “You’re
turning into her. One day I’ll get too
over my head and I’ll do something and you’ll stop loving me. You’ll…”
His lungs breathed heavily and he
blinked, trying to stop himself from crying.
Daniel wasn’t supposed to cry.
Daniel was supposed to be cold, unemotional, so far behind his own walls
that he was miles away. But he wasn’t
miles away. He was five feet away and he
wanted her. God damn, he wanted
her. “You’ll just stop.”
“Is that’s what you really think?”
She asked. He didn’t look at her. He couldn’t.
He knew her voice was the voice of a woman that was hurt beyond
words. He had heard it in Britney’s
voice, even though she had been the one to make the big mistakes. And he had heard it in Cameron whenever he
heard her talk about her exes. It was
the voice of a mad, bitter woman with an unfixable heart. He didn’t want her to be one, too. “Is that’s how you feel? Then fine. Fucking leave. I don’t…I don’t want you anyway.” It was silent and he still didn’t look at
her, but he could feel her get closer and a second later heard her yell, “God I
wouldn’t DO that! You know me! You fucking know me!” She lowered her voice and said slowly, “You
know I wouldn’t.” She was walking away and he heard the door creak open. “You go on back home. You go do whatever the hell it is you wanna do.” He took a breath and waited for it, but it
didn’t come. After a moment he looked
over his shoulder and saw her in the doorway staring at him, her cheeks wet and
her nose runny. She shook her head and
said, “I hope
your fucking plane crashes.” He jumped
when the door slammed.
Daniel was supposed to sigh, get
up and walk off the set, leaving the shot with just an empty couch. But he couldn’t move. He put his head in his hands and sat there
and waited. He just couldn’t move.
A moment later her head, “cut!” The set seemed to sigh with him and he sat
back against the couch and slung an arm over his eyes, hoping any tears would
go away and praying to God he wouldn’t have to do that again. “Brilliant.” He heard someone mumble and
glanced up to see Richard beaming, some people started to clap. “Fucking brilliant mate.”
He said and then walked to the door that was slammed shut. “Susan?”
“Yeah?”
He opened it and Justin looked
over at her. She had wiped her cheeks
dry, but was sniffing. Richard hugged
her. “I love you, you know that right?”
“I’ve lost my voice,” She said, raspily.
He pulled her out onto the set and
had his arm around her shoulders. Justin
couldn’t stop staring at her. Once again, she wasn’t looking at him. She was ignoring him, once again. “I think we’re done with that. I don’t think it can be any better. Go drink some tea and get ready for the next
scene.” Richard smiled and looked over at Justin. “Can you two act in love now?”
He began to laugh and patted Susan
on the back and then walked back over to his camera to watch the playback. Justin stood up off the couch and watched as
Susan quickly walked off the set and towards the door of the studio. Oh hell no, she wasn’t going to run from
him. She wasn’t going to do him like he
did her. He trotted after her and called
out, “Susan…”
She stopped, but didn’t turn
around. He came up behind her and said, “I…I’m
sorry about earlier.”
“Don’t…just…” She put up a hand and shook it a bit. He watched her shoulders move in a deep
breath and then she turned around. He
felt his shoulders lighten their load when her eyes met his. This time she was really looking at him. He couldn’t help but smile a little. “Don’t
be sorry.” She shook her head and
sighed, like she was pissed at herself.
“I’m just…I’m going too fast and getting too…”
He stepped forward. “So am I”
“What?”
He shrugged. “That’s why I
bolted. It’s…it’s too much too
soon. It doesn’t really happy like
this. You’re…” He stopped himself. He couldn’t say it, could he? He didn’t want to scare her. He had already
made enough mistakes that day.
“What…” She was breathless.
He was close, so close that he
said fuck it to maybe making a mistake and brought his hand to her face. People were watching, people could see and he
didn’t give a damn. He rubbed under her
eye with his thumb, they were still a bit red. She really had been crying, crying because of
him. He sighed, “You’re not supposed to
fall in love with someone in less than six hours.”
She only blinked and her mouth
opened just slightly. He heard her sigh
and continued to touch her face. He wanted
to kiss her. So he did. His head lowered and he touched her mouth
with his, holding her face tightly in his hand.
It was heaven.
And it was short. She had pushed him away. He didn’t want to open his eyes and see her
rejection, but when he finally did look at her,
instead of a scowl or a frown he saw a quiet smile on her face, shy, blushing
just a bit. “I gotta
go get ready,” She whispered, still smiling.
She turned to leave but he grabbed
her hand and said, “I called her to make sure everything there was done and
gone. I just had to be sure…” He had to let her know.
She shook her head, her smile a
little sad now. “You dated her for two
years. That kind of stuff doesn’t just disappear.”
He didn’t know what to say to her. She didn’t believe him, or if she did, she
still had her doubts. He didn’t want her
doubting what he felt for her. “Suze!” He looked over her shoulder and saw Jason
hanging in the doorway of the studio. “Come
on! We need to get you undressed and all sexified!”
She left his grasp and started to
walk towards Jason. He couldn’t have her
just leaving him, so he called out, “Don’t give up on me, Susan. God, not yet…”
She stuttered, her raspy voice
failing her and all she said in return was, “I’ll...I’ll see ya on set.”
A moment later she had disappeared
and he was left alone with people all around him, buzzing with the set
change. Hr didn’t know what had just
happened and he wasn’t sure if it was progress or not, but she wasn’t crying
anymore and she wasn’t ignoring him. He
had a lot of work to do and as he finally moved himself out of the door and to
his own trailer, staring at hers as he went, he knew he was going to have to do
something to get her to open back up to him.
They only had one more scene to go for the day, the love scene, and he
didn’t know how he was going to pull it off.