| Nags's Life Right Now |
| December 27, 2003 Time for another one of my oh-so-not famous site updates. Been a 1/3 of a year since my last site update (that's 4 month to all to Las Poers out there) and not a whole lot of shit has gone on. Yet odds are I'll still write a lot. But I guarantee you this, it will not be the longest site update I've ever written, how can I ever top the 31-pager (that sounds like a football play). ON WITH THE MARGINALISM!!! Well let's just start our little journey through MarginalLand with my birthday. August 19, 2003: My Golden Birthday (apparently it's golden when you turn 19 on the 19th). It was the first day of my Tuesday/Thursday classes so I was up bright and early at 7AM. I CALL BULLSHIT! Well I went and I saw Grant but that was about all I remember from that class. Then of course I went home and slept. A few phone calls from family members kept waking me up but then I got the call I was waiting for, my friend Calisse. So I drove out to Walnut Creek and went to lunch with her (AND I DIDN'T PAY!!! I didn't think that was possible for me to do that). It was nice and then I drove home with an "unscheduled stop" in between (you guys know what I'm talking about) and went and saw Hallie and then went to my night classes. Only good thing was seeing Dubravka. Sat through some blah blah blah and then went off to hang out with the guys @ Darryl�s. I spent a good hour on the phone with Nicole and saw her, from a distance of course (DAMN MOM!) but it was good to talk with her. So yeah it was a pretty decent birthday. I didn't see everybody I wanted to but what can you do? So far the only big mistake I made was just a bad judgment call about a week after my birthday. Not going into details because it's not that big of a deal and because I used better judgment and avoided making the same mistake twice two days later. In fact I used great judgment and went to lunch with a great girl who was starting to garner my affections (HI SARAH!) and then went off to Chico with Adam, Josh & Jon. Adam hung out with this one girl all night long and then I followed drunk and drunker around Chico in their endless quest for females. There were a shitload of parties and hella fights, and this was a Thursday night. I think we went to like 7 parties, all broken up by police. Oh well, such is Chico. I got like 3 bad hours of sleep on the floor of some chicks that I didn�t know but I guess Adam did and then drove home tired as hell and then worked for about 8 hours. Good times though. Between Sarah and Chico, that has to be the best day of my "golden year" so far. You can also thank that night and Jon for the word that is now in mine and all of my friends� vocabulary. Yes it was Jon that started the word marginal. Basically it means (to us) average, as in she's marginal, nothing special. It has since been expanded and here is my definition for it. Marginal - Average; Nothing special; blah. It now applies not only to girls, but everything else as well. Between that and ROAR, I have one hell of a vocabulary. I know a guy. His name is Brad. He lives in Hollister and owns a Corvette. He's bitter that I never mention him in a site update. Well now I did. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW JACKASS!?!?!? That should be a lesson to you all, NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT BEING IN A SITE UPDATE! Onto one of my favorite things in life that I discuss openly in public (I'll give you a moment to think about that last statement).................ok good. In 1989 I played my first soccer game and it was for Dublin United Soccer League. This year I played my last season, my 13th season for Dublin and my 15th overall. I was able to talk Josh into playing one last year and together we had fun just dominating every team we played. Of course he wasn't at every game and we did drop a couple but we ended up 6-2-1 and finished second place in the league. We now have the opportunity to go to a post-season tournament in March and are deciding which tournament we want to go to. So it'll be one last tournament for both of us in our competitive careers. I don't really have too many regrets looking back on soccer, I became a damn good goalie, made friends with many people I never would have and kept busy when being bored could have been really really bad. Hopefully we'll be playing adult league in coming years and when I have kids (which will happen......hopefully) I'll watch them experience the fun of soccer. Now to some negative shit. Well as you all know (or should know), Jeremy is the Army and is currently stationed in Iraq. He works on Chinook helicopters and when they fly missions, he generally goes along for the ride, usually as a door gunner. Well with that background here comes the shit hitting the fan. My homepage is yahoo.com and every time I open explorer it comes on my screen. On the right side of the screen they always have the top 5 or 6 headlines for the day. I always glance at them and one day I saw something about a helicopter being shot down. I saw it and meant to click on it but I think I forgot to because I was distracted (imagine that.....me, distracted). Well the next night my dad was in his "office" and I was in my room and he yelled through the door asking what kind of helicopters Jeremy flies in. I told him and then that sparked my memory about the helicopter crashing. I checked the past headlines and sure enough the helicopter that crashed was a Chinook. I can't describe to you how I felt. I instantly looked around for the casualty list and I found that 16 people had died and they only had announced 9 of them. I looked all over the military website to see if I could find any more names but alas, only 9 could be found. Now this was Monday afternoon. Of course it was announced on Saturday that the helicopters went down but for once, my laziness saved me. Had I known Sunday that it was his type of helicopter that went down, it might have been harder. Also luckily I always keep my computer on and AIM on as well. That night (Monday) I was about to go to sleep but my AIM went off so I climbed off my bed and went to see who it was. Low and behold, it was Jeremy himself. He told me that he was ok but his internet kept going down (since he's in Iraq and they're ghey like that) so he told me to email Hallie because he wasn't sure if his emails were going to go through or not. We shooted the shit for a little while and then he had to go and I went off to go get Jack in the Box because I was hungry. It was then that it hit me about it all. I mean I actually feared that my best friend might be dead....dead at 19. Then the next day I was @ Carl's Jr Jeremy's mom (Debbie) was there because she's like a regional manager. I was talking to her and I could see she was kinda shaken up by the whole thing and it was like, WHOA, because she is one of the strongest people I know. I've never seen her show any signs of weakness whatsoever, not even when she sent Jeremy off to the army. It just got me thinking, damn, what must thousands of military families be going through having to deal with this stress day in and day out. I just can't imagine it. It just kinda gives you a whole new level of respect of all those out there fighting for us; even if not all of us agree with why they're over there (I'm mixed). It's just something to think about. Onto a lighter note........the girl situation. Since the last writing about two new girls have had my attention, only one of them still does. The first one was Sarah, who I met......online. Fuck you if you think that's wrong because god dammit, I think every one of my friends in my group have met at least one, if not 20 (Adam & Mark you fucking digital pimps), girls online. I saw her profile on RateUSA.com one night when I was extremely bored (also known as 29 days a month) and she was from Livermore so I added her to my buddy list for AIM. We started talking and had some good conversation and a couple weeks later we decided we'd meet for a movie. So we did (we saw S.W.A.T) and that was that. I can't say that I liked her right away (we didn't really talk much since we were at a movie) but she was a great person to talk to because I could have serious conversation with her but we could also goof around. That's some shit that's hard to find. Well we went to lunch a few weeks later (the Chico day) and I think it was then that I started to like her. We started talking on the phone every night and we met up again just a week or so later. Of course then I started to like her a bunch and then that's when I wasn't able to see her forever, which drove me crazy because I wanted to tell her how I felt but couldn't because I wanted to do it face-to-face and I couldn't get there. Finally I did get her face-to-face and asked her how she felt and I was given an undecided answer. Well that ain't good enough; my mind needs a definitive answer. The next day online I kinda semi-halfway got one. Apparently she had feelings for me but she wasn't sure if she wanted to act upon them. Well finally I got a girl I liked to like me back but of course nothing was happening. We're still at that point; friends and nothing more. Will we just stay friends? Odds are probably but who knows, maybe miracles can happen........as can a lightning bolt hitting me when I'm walking to my car. The other girl was like the total opposite of Sarah. Where as Sarah was this kinda odd but normal person, Courtney is this typical blonde female with a high-pitched voice. I don't mean that in a bad way but she is such a typical blonde. Gets a paycheck, spends it on clothes....all in to fashion and Britany Spears (as opposed to Puma shirts and punk rock that Sarah prefers). I work with Courtney and we just started talking......ok let me be honest, I started making fun of her because she was new and I'm a cynical bastard. So we started talking a bit and I was going a different angle with this one, I was acting like I didn't care either way about her (which was kinda true since Sarah was still in the picture). I thought maybe that would work; just don't even look towards the friend zone. I mean I got her number and I didn't even call her for like 3 days (I learned all I need to learn from Swingers!). But of course then it kinda got to the point (like after 2 weeks) where my old habits kicked in and I wanted to get to know her and be friends and then go from there, you know the old girlfriend route, how I usually am. Well shit, we've all read THAT story a million fucking times. Well she's flaked on me more times than I can count and I think at this point I'm just about through trying to ever see her outside of work. I�m kinda happy that nothing ever came into be because as I get to know her more and more, I found out at times that she can be quite��oh what�s the word I�m looking for��.bitchy shall we say. Is this all frustrating? Yes, but I guess I can just chalk it up to paying my dues. I'm hoping that if I pay enough now I can cash in later in life and reap the rewards. Or maybe I just keep paying and the assholes keep cashing in.... ....Time for my venting rant. Here goes everything. I am a fucking pushover. Let's just be honest with each other here, I'm a fucking pushover who is respected by few, loved by fewer and I just take it. I take so much shit from so many different girls that most guys wouldn't take. But NO! Not me, I take it like a Hollywood hooker working for a $100 bill. Here are a couple of prime examples. Lets see, we have the aforementioned blowing off by Courtney....even for me taking her out for her birthday, which I told her I would do like 2 months in advance. Also, I don't drink so I'm the driver at parties. I told this one chick I would bring her to this guy's house when she was ready or she can crash at my house and I'd take her to work in the morning. Was she hot? Yeah. Would I have gotten with her? Fuck no, she had a boyfriend who she was on the phone with the entire night but she was being a ho and trying to push it off like it wasn't her boyfriend. I was just being "the nice guy" and we all know what place the nice guy finishes. And boy did I finish last that night. Seriously like I felt like the total party bitch at the party. I don't know how many times I did things for her and everybody else. And then to top it off I was waiting for her to be ready to go and it's like 1:30 and I have to be to work @ 8 for an 11 1/2 hour shift. She's about to leave and then Mark decides to convince her to stay just so he can try and get some from her. BTW, MARK UR A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!!! So basically I just waste time because I'm trying to be nice (Oh yeah I was called the nice guy). And you know what else pisses me off, like SERIOUSLY PISSES ME OFF!?!?!? EVERY girl says they just want a nice guy and that they hate guys who are assholes. But that's not what they want, just what they need. What they actually go for are the assholes. But then they smarten up around like 24 & 25 and then they truly want the "nice guy" (which I tend to think of myself as) and then they whine and bitch about not being able to find a nice guy. You know why? Because they've all been so sick of being stomped on and used and abused that they've just gotten jaded and are assholes now because that's what gets the girls before they smarten up. As always there are exceptions to the rule but obviously not here. I'm a fucking welcome mat whose job is to just be there and get stomped on and not cared about. Can you tell I'm frustrated with life? Why shouldn't I be? I live my life fairly decent. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, abuse women and I treat women with so much respect that you think by now one of them would care. But of course not, I'm so marginally looking that I just scream FRIEND!!!!!! God if I didn't like need one, I would just never talk to girls again. FUCK IT! (I wrote this all when I was pissed off so this would be Bitter Adam writing.) Let's just face facts here, I need a girlfriend. I just need someone who emotionally will be the one who can stable me out just by being there for me. What pisses me off a lot is I've never even been given an opportunity by 99% of the women I've met. The 1% doesn't count for much because everybody gets 1%, we give ah. And I know if I were given an opportunity that I could probably be a great boyfriend. Hell I'm an opportunist, I always have been. If I've been given an opportunity that I've wanted, I've always taken it and done well. Off the top of my head all I can think of is my senior soccer season and that's it, but it's also 1:10AM and I'm tired. But that's just details. Anyways, I'm just looking for a willing participant in my experiment called life. That's not to say that I would go out with just anyone, I still have my standards (I just misplace them from time to time). This is all just rambling, ROAR!!! FUCK RAMBLING!!! Fuck being lonely, it�s the worst feeling you can ever have. Sometimes I feel that I try to be friends with some people more than they try to be friends with me. Like I�m the one usually calling people and trying to hang out with them and it seems that it never comes to be. I can think of three friends off the top of my head who haven�t hung out with me since August and another one since September. I mean maybe it�s my insecurity talking, but if they really wanted to be friends with me, wouldn�t they have tried to hang out with me over the last 3-4 months? Damn my insecurity. School........well I'm going more often and passing the classes I haven't dropped but I seriously need some direction in school. I mean I'll have like 23.5 units completed after 3 semesters, that's still a freshman. So next semester hopefully I'll break my old habits and be able to pass all my classes and hopefully pass at least the 15.5 units if not 18 that I've signed up for and get to around 40 units so I can just take 12 or so units each semester next year and transfer to a four year school. Of course that also means I need a major. DAMN! Ok two years ago if you were to give an evaluation of my looks you would say that I was fat and I had bad acne. The fat is mostly gone as I lost and kept off 20 pounds since then. But I still got this fucking gay acne. I've tried like 6 or 7 different medicines but nothing has ever worked. SO I'm like fuck it, even though I HATE HATE HATE needles, I'll go on Accutane (the strongest acne medicine that wipes out acne for good for everybody) just to have it finally go away forever. I know, my acne shouldn't matter because people should like me for who I am not for how I look (I'll also still be marginal without acne) but lets be honest, 97.6% of you make judgments right when you first see a person and it takes a lot to change those first judgments. I just want people not to be deterred by the acne and that they'll finally get to know me. Hell most people don't even give me a second look and don't even know what color eyes I have! But of course since god hates me the gay doctor put me on this other lighter stuff that has fewer side effects. It's not really working that much, a little but not much, so in about 6 more weeks I go back and then they'll realize that they're dumbasses and put me on Accutane. Of course one person has now realized what color eyes I have...............Josh. >SIGH< Josh thinks I have pretty eyes, that makes me want to stay below marginal so no more observations like that are made. Work is alright. It's just becoming such a god damn pain sometimes with all the gay shit about warranties and things like that. Fucking Indians & Asians are so damn cheap that they won't buy it 19 times out of 19 1/2. Most the people there are cool and I get alone with most everybody in my department. There are a couple dicks throughout the store and only one HUGE asshole but that's life. One of my managers is a total bitch 99% of the time (not you Wendy) and it sucks when I'm working with her since she constantly finds things wrong and yells at me for it. It's mostly better than Toys R Us because I'm not there till 3AM and I don't have to deal with kids as much but it just becomes too stressful sometimes for what it is and that's just retail. I think sometimes people working there forget, it's just retail, it's not a fucking hospital or something that important. I hate people........yet I work in retail, odd. The one thing that I like about retail is that during the Christmas season the store always hires new people to account for the extra volume. They hire such an array of different people and it�s cool to see all the different personalities. Take for instance my department this year. We hired a drunken partier, a stoner, a wigga, a quiet big guy, the felon & a girl��the self-proclaimed �Queen of Technology.� I don�t know, maybe it�s just me that finds the mix of personalities interesting but it�s my update so I�ll write about it like it�s interesting. You know what sucks about meeting new people? When you're talking and you're getting to know each other and just shooting the shit about your lives you bring up all this shit in your past. Sometimes you discover that feelings you thought you lost really aren't, you just forget them sometimes. I hate that but oh well. It's only life, right Mark? I�m going to WRESTLEMANIA!!!!! Well I might be. I woke up @ 5.55AM to buy the tickets that went on sale @ 6AM (9AM Eastern) and I got two tickets to attend Wrestlemania XX which will be off the hook. Yes I know most of you don�t care about wrestling but I do and if I go, it�s in New York so I might not, it�ll be one hell of a time. It�s not till March so I won�t know for another month if I can afford to go or not. Let�s hope so. I do have some positive crap in the midst of all this negative stuff about my life. There are some people in my life who I just felt the need to acknowledge. Those people of course are my friends. I think we all sometimes forget that our friends are great and I know I do. I just realize sometimes that I would be so lost without them, even if I can't stand them sometimes. First, I don�t' know what I'd do without my two girls, Hallie & Nicole. Hallie is there for me like I'm there for her and that is A LOT. If I ever need anything, she'll do it and visa versa. Nothing else can be said about Nicole that I haven't said before. She's my constant, kinda like the North Star. Whenever I get lost I just look for her and she gets my back on track. I Just wish I could be there for her more and that her mom would see that I'm not as crazy as she thinks I am. And my group of guys, what can I say? Grant, Mark, Josh (Amy Lee is Marginal), Joey, Rob, Adam.....we are one group of marginal guys but there is no other group of guys that can just pick me up without even knowing I was down. Fucking A, just Fuckin A. Then there are those who may not be around all the time but when they are, they're great. Sarah, Calisse, Chrissy, Tammy, Angelita, Kaylee, Terri, Brandi, Kristy, Shalene, Dubravka, Daryll, Sean, Brad, Big Z, Nutty, Wong, Taylor, Eric, Happy, Todd, Mike, Clint, Niel, Jeremy (fucking ARMY!).......you gals and guys are super....don't make yourself scarce (cept Happy...GO AWAY!!!). I know sometimes it's frustrating to talk to me when I'm in my "I hate the world moods" but thanks for trying anyways, I appreciate it more than you guys know. You people keep me sane when going crazy would just be too easy. If I forgot you, I�m sorry, I can�t remember everyone. All I got to say is thanks....and for all you girls....how ya doin ;-) Of course in my life with the good usually comes the bad. Two examples for you.....of my good group of guy friends, the only one not moving to Southern California during the summer is Grant, all the other 5 of them are heading down there. So it'll just be me & Grant, I'm sure Grant's looking forward to that (that was written in a sarcastic tone for those who can't tell). Now I just found out that Jeremy will be coming back in mid to late January and him & Hallie will be married on January 31st (Note: It�s now been delayed so it might not happen till Late February or beyond that). The Bad? Hallie will then move back with him to Germany. Talk about gay, hella people are moving within the next 7 months, I call bullshit. Now you might think that by reading all you�ve read, that I�m depressed again. I wouldn�t say that I am. Yes I�m in a little bit of a down point in my life but it happens like once every six months and right now it�s not any worse than it�s been before. It�s just the waiting that drives me crazy since I�m so impatient. All I�m waiting for is for some big break to fall in my favor, preferably a great girl. We�ll see though, I know it�s just a matter of time before I get out of this funk, but damn it tests my impatience. Random Thoughts/Quotes To say to a girl sitting alone at a bar: "Excuse me, are you going to be walking to your car by yourself later?" ~ Dane Cook It's not gay if you don't look down. (I forgot where I heard that) "When she told me that she thought you were cute I told her I would never trust her judgement ever again" ~ Cole "Nags, lets go drive off a cliff" ~Daryll "Only if you pay for gas" ~My cheap ass in reply to above comment I was born -- wait, it gets worse. "Hey Marginal, wake up!" ~Jon (to my ass laying on the couch) My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex Girls have bigger asses than guys, because all girls are full of shit. If you love me like a brother then I believe in incest (I'm tired........fuck off) To really laugh check out the jokes page. I've gone to two concerts over the last couple months. First was Something Corporate in Sacramento around October. I had never heard any of their songs before but I liked them live. Their first full length album, Leaving Through The Window, is really good but their second one, North, is just too damn slow. The other one was last week in Gilroy and it featured Allister & Homegrown. I went only because of Allister, who I really like. They played hella good live too. I don't really like Homegrown and I was unimpressed by their live performance. I�ve been buying a shitload of music lately and here are a compilation of bands that you should check out if you haven�t already. In no particular order we have: Allister, Finch, Something Corporate, Default, Taking Back Sunday, Hoobastank, AFI, Thrice, Puddle of Mudd, Yellowcard, Mest, Starting Line, Story of the Year, Sugarcult, Smile Empty Soul, Rufio & The Used. So here's the quick wrap up for all u skimmers. my birthday was good, Chico was better, Marginal is the new word, soccer was fun, Jeremy's alive (thankfully), in limbo with Sarah, ignored by Courtney, girls suck, being lonely sucks more, some friends confuse me, school is marginal at best, I need accutane, Circuit City beats Toys, NYC here I come, my friends are a godsend, my friends are leaving though, Jeremy & Hallie are getting married, I�m in a funk, Something Corporate & Allister are good live and you should listen to my music. That's about it. Oh yeah, and never write when you�re pissed. Until the next friendly visit to MarginalLand, this has been Adam, please keep your hands inside the vehicle will the ride has come to a complete stop and tip your waitress on the way out. Until Further Notice, Adam September 2003 Minis |