Welcome to Our Jokes for Everyday Page
You know you're in Texas when:
You know you're in Texas when you no longer associate bridges (or
rivers) with water.
You know you're in Texas when you can say it is 110 degrees outside
without fainting.
You know you're in Texas when you eat hot chilies to cool off your
mouth.
You know you're in Texas when you can make instant sun tea.
You know you're in Texas when you learn that a seat belt makes a
pretty good branding iron.
You know you're in Texas when the temperature drops below 95, and
you feel a bit chilly.
You know you're in Texas when you discover that in July, it takes
only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You know you're in Texas when you discover you can get a sunburn
through your car window.
You know you're in Texas when you notice the best parking place is
determined by shade instead of distance.
You know you're in Texas when hot water now comes out of both taps.
You know you're in Texas when it's noon in July, kids are on summer
vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You know you're in Texas when you actually burn your hand opening
the car door.
You know you're in Texas when you break a sweat the instant you step
outside...at 5:30 a.m.
You know you're in Texas when no one would dream of putting vinyl
upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
You know you're in Texas when your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,
"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death".
You know you're in Texas when you realize asphalt has a liquid
state.
It's so hot in Texas......
It's so hot in Texas......the birds have to use pot holders to pull
worms out of the ground.
It's so hot in Texas......the potatoes cook underground and all you
have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
It's so hot in Texas......farmers are feeding their chickens crushed
ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
It's so hot in Texas......It's so dry in Texas, the cows are giving
evaporated milk.
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out
here?" A farmer quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the
Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm
familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the farmer puffed up, "we got
about two and a half inches during that spell."
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A man walked into a
bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say,
"Nice tie."
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except
for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful
shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I
must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices
saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.
"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the
peanuts...
They're Complimentary."
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A
blonde went to her mailbox several times before it was even time for the mailman to make
his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked
if she was waiting for a special delivery.
Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have
mail".
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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to
do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot
saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle
of the show:
Look, it's not the same hat, Look, he is hiding the flowers
under the table!, Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was
the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a
week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
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On Marriage: one-liners
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same
way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then
we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when
she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband? About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and
said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a
secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose
marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband
for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to
another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I
don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more
affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he
decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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Airline Accidents
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was
talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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A salesman calls this house, and the 3-year-old son answers the
phone.
The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your mother?"
The boy whispers in a very low voice, "She's busy."
The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your daddy?"
The kid whispers again, in a very low voice, "He's busy too."
The salesman then asks, "Is there anyone else there?"
The tot replies in the same quiet voice, "A policeman."
The salesman inquires, "Can I talk to the policeman?"
The boy repeats again, in a low whisper, "He's busy too."
The salesman again questions him and asks, "Is there anyone else there?"
The kid comes back in a whisper, "A fireman."
The salesman then wants to know if he can talk to the fireman.
And once again the tot whispers, "He's busy too."
By now the salesman is really wondering what is going on.
He asks the boy, "What are they all doing?"
The little rug-rat replies, still in a very low whisper . . . "Looking for
me."
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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what
his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
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A man was driving home one evening and realized that it
was his daughter's
birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to
the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie
in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for
$19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for
$19.95, 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the
Nightclub' for $19.95 and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the 'Divorced Barbie' $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!?" the
Dad asked surprised.
"'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog,
Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."...
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