| Journal entries for July 2001 |
| July 8, 2001 No word yet from the insurance company. Every time the phone rings I tense up just a little hoping it will be Dr. Betcher's office with good new. I am so anxious to begin planning! I am still absorbing the idea that by this time next year I could be less than 200 pounds. I've been faithful in my walking. Most days I'm doing two miles in the morning. When I have the kids with me though I usually do less. It's easier on them. That will change once I get their bike helmets, though. Then I will feel safer about letting them ride their bikes with me while I walk and the two miles should be very easy for them. Today I wasn't able to get out for my walk because of back pain. My lower back is hurting so much I could hardly get out of bed. I'm angry that I missed my walk, but I know my back needed the rest. I can't wait for the back problems to go away. I can't wait for the knee problems to go away. I can't wait for my new life to begin. The magnitude of the change I plan to undergo is still sinking in. I know I will probably go through some grief over the loss of the foods I love so much. I'd be foolish not to expect that. I plan to have several "last meals" in the near future to try to get it out of my system as much as I can. The majority of the people in my life seem to be very supportive. Even one of the people who are opposed to this seems to be warming up to the idea a little. There is one person who has said that what I am doing is taking the easy way out. At first I jumped to defend myself. I even stewed about it for a little while but then I just let it go. Anyone who thinks this is the easy way out is very mistaken and I don't want to waste my energy arguing about it. I used to think this was an easy way out, too. That was until I began investigating it for myself and found out quite the opposite. What I've come to realize is that this surgery is not a solution. It is a life long tool that I will always have with me that along with wise food choices and faithful exercise will help me to loose the excess weight and keep it off. I can't expect anyone who hasn't looked into this as much as I have to understand that and so I won't. I need to learn to allow the positive remarks to encourage me and let go of the negative ones or else I will be drug down by them. What matters now is not what others think, but what I feel is best for my health and future. July 9, 2001 Still waiting. I know they said the approval process can take up to three weeks and it's only been a week and a half, but I'm going nuts! I want to know how to plan my life for the next several weeks. Do I withdrawal from school? Do I keep my classes? Do I plan for surgery? It's hard living in limbo. Ugh... July 10, 2001 HORRAY!! Bernie from Dr. Betcher's office called me today to let me know my gastric bypass and gallbladder removal are approved and that the insurance will pay 100%!!! I am so happy! Gotta go make some calls! :) July 11, 2001 I am finding that the reactions to my approval for surgery are more mixed than I had anticipated. There are some people who are enthusiastically happy for me. I enjoy talking to these people because I feel like celebrating and they are celebrating with me. There are some that I believe were supportive before but maybe never thought it would become a reality. These people sounded happy but hesitant when I gave them the news. Then there are some of the people who didn't want me to do this in the first place who seem almost resentful now that it's going to happen for sure. It's been discouraging. Sometimes their remarks cause me to second guess my decision. Am I overreacting? Am I being selfish? Am I hurting anyone by doing this? Should I go back to dieting? Am I really taking the easy way out? When I really think it through, I know I'm doing what's right for me. I just don't know how to handle the reactions of some of the people I love. July 18, 2001 Everything is set up and ready to go. My pre-op appt. is next Monday (7/23) at 9:30 am and I take the pre-op class that same night at 6:30. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, August 13 at 10 am. I have to be to the Fresno Surgery Center at 8 am. My post-op appt. is scheduled for the monday after my surgery (7/20) at 3 pm. I can't believe this is all a reality! I keep browsing personal websites and marveling at the way people loose after this surgery. I have felt some doubt now that everything is set. I keep wondering if what I'm doing is too drastic, if I'm overreacting, but Mike reassures me that I'm not. He is such a great support. I love him so much. I looked at pictures on the web of Carnie Wilson last night. Her transformation was incredible! I can't wait until it's me. I need to get busy and start taking those "before pictures"!! Another thing I've been feeling is guilt. I've been feeling guilt over doing something so big just for me, I've been feeling guilt about those who feel I'm leaving them behind, I've been feeling guilt about taking care of me. I need to work through this and get over it. Logically, I am confident this is the right path for me to take. I have applied for several jobs and not gotten them. I've prayed for God's guidance with the jobs and surgery and so far what I've seen is that I haven't been able to get a job yet, but the insurance approval came through with out a hitch. I really believe in my heart that this is what God wants me doing at this point. I know there are people who would say it's not a Biblically sound choice, that the surgery won't correct the sin in my life that has brought me to this point or that I'm copping out of the battle I should be waging. But I have prayed about this and God has given me so much peace about it and clearded the pathway for me. He has worked out the financial end of it and He's worked out the scheduling to be exactly what we need. To any who doubt my wisdom I really don't know what to say. July 25, 2001 I went to my pre-op appt. and class a couple nights ago. I'm very pleased with the hospital, there is one nurse for every two patients! The care is very good. The rooms are gorgeous! There is a full bath room in each room and a couch w/a pull out bed so Mike can stay over night with me. The room looks like a hotel room except for the bed and there is only one patient per room. I am looking forward to being able to heal in such a beautiful and peaceful environment. I spent some time visiting the memorial page at the AMOS website the other day. There have been so many happy stories that I've heard and that's wonderful, but I also felt the need to face the unhappy ones and pay my respects. I think the thing I found most haunting is the fact that most of the people being memorialized had the same hopes and excitement that I do going into their surgery. And I know that some of them did not die as a direct result of their surgery, but some did. I know the chances are slim and I'm doing everything my dr. says to do, but it's there, in the back of my mind. My emotions are very mixed. I know this is the right thing for me, but I also naturally am feeling a little anxious. |
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