| Journal entries for June 2001 |
| June 4, 2001 Waiting to hear from the insurance company is driving me nuts! I can't see why they wouldn't approve the surgery for me, I meet all the criteria that I'm aware of, and yet I don't want to get my hopes up too high. I called today to check the status of the authorization request. The lady explained that it has been sent to the review board and they are still waiting to hear back. She told me to try calling in another week. *Sigh* I have a consultation on June 28th with Dr. Betcher in Fresno. I am looking forward to speaking with him and really getting a handle on what all is involved, what kind of changes to expect, etc. But the insurance company said not to go to the consultation if for some reason we don't have approval by the 28th. I'm so nervous, I probably will be until I hear back. Ugh! June 7, 2001 I was thrilled when Mike emerged from the post office today with a letter from the insurance company! But as I read it, I realized it was only a letter saying that our request for prior authorization was under review. Oh well, at least it's not a denial! Still pending...I'm still nervous! June 9, 2001 I've discussed my decision to look into having a gastric bypass with just about everyone in my life at this point. There have been some mixed reactions but for the most part, I've received lots of support. There are a couple people I have been reluctant to tell though. They have expressed their disapproval of WLS to me in the past. They are concerned about the safety of it and possible regrets afterwards. I finally told them a week ago that I was seriously considering it and that there was a real possibility that it would happen. Their opinions of the procedure and concerns had not changed and I expected that. But as hard as it was, one person in particular offered me her support no matter what. We spoke again at length last night. I told her about all the research I've done on the web and in person and that I've yet to find anyone who regrets doing it. I know there is not going to be anything I can say to change anyone's mind about the risks of doing this. But at least I know that no matter what, this person will stand with me and support me. I've had a couple people express feelings of jealousy to me. I think I can understand a part of what they're feeling. I'm sure I'd feel the same way if I was battling weight and saw one of my friends or family members get the chance that I'm getting. I know that no matter what I need to do what I feel is right for me and for my health, but now I'm struggling with feelings of guilt. I'm afraid that on some level I'll hurt someone by doing this. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I can't turn the surgery down for that reason alone. It is my health and longevity that is at stake and that is what I need to consider first. June 12, 2001 I think I got the insurance situation worked out today. I spoke with Dr. Betcher's office. I'm supposed to go there first and then they get the approval paperwork going instead of my PCP. I'm so excited. This clears the air for me quite a bit and now I am anxiously awaiting my consultation in 16 days! June 16, 2001 Mike cleaned out the garage today and found a couple of boxes of my old (smaller) clothes. I went through them tonight and separated them by size. I put the 26's that are tight on me on the top of the box since they will be the first old clothes I can fit back into after surgery. Under those I put the 2X-3X and 22/24 clothes. Then on the bottom, there is the 1X and 18/20's. I cannot wait to wear these things again! June 17, 2001 Nine days to go until my consultation. I'm very anxious to get the ball rolling. I started walking one mile a day 5 days ago. I've heard that Dr. Betcher will want me walking two miles daily prior to surgery so I am starting to work up to that to show him how serious I am. I'm having trouble again with the tendon in my right leg balling up and hurting. I have to admit, getting back into an exercise routine again has been hard for me. I love the walks, especially ibn the early morning. It's the idea that I'm attempting to manage my weight and health again that freaks me out. In the past, EVERY attempt I've made at weight loss has ended in failure. I've gained all my weight back and more. It never fails; I always end up settling into a new weight that is just a little higher what I was prior. Right now I'm hovering at 275 to 280 pounds, how much higher will I go if I fail now? I'm so scared the insurance will say no to the GBP and that I'll be left with no help once again and repeat my past failures. That makes it so hard to do what I know I need to do. Once I have approval I will have the reassurance of knowing that for the first time I will have a real physical tool to help me loose the weight and keep it off. It's not like a weight loss program that I will eventually have to quit because of money or a diet pill that can be discontinued by the insurance. Once it's done it will remain done forever and will always be there to help me. I am confident that with this surgery I will have amazing success. Without it, I feel no hope. June 30, 2001 I had my consultation on Thurs. (6/28). Any questions I had have been answered; any doubts put to rest. I've decided this is what I need to do. Some understand, some don't. I feel guilty because a couple people in my life who are so dear to me are very against this and I sense some resentment. I am so torn. I don't want to hurt anyone, but this is a matter of my health. I know I can't put it off for these reasons. I love the people dearly that I'm speaking of so this is very hard. I pray that they will be able to let go of those negative feelings and be able to at least accept it or even be happy for me. I also pray that I always remain sensitive to what we suffer everyday as obese women. I want pictures of me as I am now still on the walls as I loose weight. I don't ever want to forget, I don't ever want to grow insensitive to people traveling this path. Now I sit and wait patiently (oh sure!) for the insurance approval. Dr. Betcher's office said patients with a BMI of 40 or over almost always are approved on the first try. Mine is 47. I'm hoping to be able to schedule for mid-August so it will coincide with Mike's vacation. We'll see... |
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