| Journal entries for August 2001 |
| July 28, 2001 A thought hit me while I was on my walk this morning. I have a history of not completing things. There have been so many times in my life when I've started a project or something only to fall short of my goals. I tend to look at the project as a whole instead of step-by-step taking each process one at a time. I cause myself to become overwhelmed and I loose heart and give up. I can't begin to count how many times in my life I've done this. I've had a lot of trouble with the tendon in my right ankle lately and I've skipped my walks a few times because of it. Well, my surgeon says to walk through the pain because the walks are so vital to my health right now. What I realized while walking today was that in order to keep "walking through the pain" and reach my goal, I had to litterally take it one step at a time. Over and over I had to stop, relax and start out slow again. What I realized is that even if I took the time to begin again (and again, and again...), frustrating as it was, I was still making progress. Progress doesn't have to come in leaps and bounds in order to be valid. As long as I keep my eyes on the goal and remain willing to take it one small step at a time, I can do anything! I'm sure this sounds pretty simplistic, but it was a huge revelation to me this morning. I've decided there are three things I am going to commit to completing in my lifetime. #1-Raising my boys. #2-Loosing this weight. #3-Completing some degreed level of college, even if only an AA degree. August 5, 2001 I'm only 8 days away now and beginning to feel quite anxious. Money has been a problem and I find it so hard to not feel guilty taking care of myself when our finances are so chaotic. I'm fortunate that the surgery isn't going to cost us money out of pocket...Thank you UFCW Local 1288!! There is a chance my husband might get a transfer to a store near our home which would be nice, however it is a non-union store and when I called their insurance administrator the other day to see if all our current physicians are covered under their plan, I was mortified to find that they absolutely refuse to cover ANYTHING for obesity. It seems that they had two or three negative experiences with covering patients for surgery and so now they won't help anyone. They won't cover any type of diet program, physician supervised or not, nutritional counseling, diet meds, surgery, nothing! The lady actually told me they don't feel obesity is worth treating! I was so angry! It took all I had in me to hold my tounge. My life and the lives of others who are obese are worthless to them! I'm getting angry again thinking about it now...moving on... We went up to Tehachapi (that's where we grew up and where most of our family still resides) the other day to visit family that had come from out of state. We had a wonderful time at my in-law's and my parent's homes. I am so lucky, I know of so many people who do not have the family support that I have when it comes to this surgery. I left Tehachapi the other night feeling so supported and cared for by my husband's family as well as my own. I've been concerned about how my decision would be perceived by some and now I know I had nothing to worry about. There are still a couple people in my life who disagree with me and I need to phone them before I go in and try to make peace and let them know I love them. I'm nervous about that. August 8, 2001 Well, I've completed my pre-op testing. I picked up my pre-op meds and a pair of slippers yesterday. I need to start organizing meals for my family and packing. My mom will be here on Sunday afternoon to stay with the boys. I go in on Monday morning. I've been on edge a little more in the last couple of days. I have no doubt about doing the surgery, I know I've made the right choice. Even so, I am a nervous wreck! Mike has been great. He is such a wonderful support! I love you, honey! August 12, 2001 It's 12am. I am officially on a clear liquid diet. Today (8/11) Mike got us Del Taco for lunch and Chinese food for dinner. Driving around town I saw so many different food places I had never thought about giving up. There was a fabulous sounding sandwhich advertised on a large poster at a fast food joint, and I never did visit the new Quizno's here in town or use my buy 1/get 1 free coupon for a cold Starbucks drink. I've been feeling sad today. We went to the grocery store to get my broth and jello for tomorrow and I kept seeing favorites of mine; cream cheese stuffed jalapeno peppers, diet pepsi, taquitos, ice creams, salad dressings, bacon, orange juice...you get the idea, this list could go on forever. I felt as if I was saying good bye to a dear friend. Food has been my comfort since I was a young child. I can remember turning to food as early as 8 years old. Back then I had no idea what I was doing, I was just driven to do it and so I would. I remember sneaking cookies (a half dozen at a time), slices of bread, spoonfulls of peanut butter, cereal, ect. And I usually did it in the night. Now after a lifetime of this bad habit things are changing and I know it's for the good of my health but I am afraid to let go. I've also been jittery about the surgery. Sometimes it seems like nothing, other times I get really scared. Don't get me wrong, I am at peace with my decision and I am cofident that by this time next year I'm gonna feel great! It's the idea of going through surgery that is making me jumpy. My mom is coming up tomorrow so that should help. I'll check back in before Monday... August 12, 2001 (Later today) I am filled with all kinds of pre-surgery jitters. I've been a mess all day and this clear liquid diet is NOT helping things any. August 13, 2001 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~SURGERY DAY~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* August 17, 2001 I got home from the hospital yesterday. I've no idea yet if I'm down or by how much. I'm feeling icky but I imagine that is to be expected. In a world where we can take a chemical remedy for nearly anything, it's hard accepting how I feel and being at peace with it. I'm told my surgery went very well and my recovery must be going well since they released me yesterday. I finally had a great night's sleep in the recliner chair last night. Mike put on a soothing ocean sounds cd and we both slept down here (he slept on a spare twin mattress). August 18, 2001 I knew food was a big part of my life; until now I did not realize exactly how much of my life it was a part of. I feel myself beginning a grieving process. It kinda feels like when you break up with a boyfriend and then you realize a few days later just how much a part of your life he was, even if he was bad for you. I am in love with food and I have been all my life. It's been there to comfort and console me, to celebrate with me, to accompany me on adventures, to wake me up and put me to sleep. This week I am on liquids-30 cc (1 fl. oz.) at a time. These doses of nourishment are my meals. I drink eight of them (I have to allow 10 minutes between each one) with each meal. The process takes forever, it's frustrating and mentally unsatisfying. I am near tears when I walk into the grocery store. I see all that fabulous food and I realize it's not a part of my life anymore. It makes me very sad. I know logically I've made the right decision, but logic doesn't always sooth raw emotions. |
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