| August Journal Con't. |
| August 19, 2001 My emotions have been swinging back and forth between satisfaction with my having the surgery and self doubt. I discovered yesterday that I have already lost two inches in my tummy and approx. one inch everywhere else. I was able to put on a sundress that I haven't worn in quite some time. It felt so good!! However, I struggle with my "meals". I am really grieving the loss of my unhealthy relationship with food. I am annoyed at having to measure out my meals one ounce at a time and having to take a minimum of 80 minutes to finish each one! What happened to the good old days when I could order up a dripping cheeseburger and finish it, an order of fries or onion rings or zucchini and a diet pepsi in 15 minutes? I know what's happened to those days and I'm glad I made that choice, but I'm just struggling. *Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that my precious boys would be spared from falling into the sin of gluttony that has had me so tightly in it's grip. I pray that as you begin your new work on me that you would also teach them to take the correct attitude towards food that I have lacked. Please protect them from this horrible addiction so that they never have to travel the path I'm on. In Jesus' name I ask these things, Amen.* August 21, 2001 My first post-op doctor visit was yesterday. So far so good! I'm down 12.5 lb. since my surgery date! Not too bad! And I even get to eat about 1/4 cup of soup in one sitting now out of a mug with a spoon rather than sipping it one ounce at a time out of a medicine cup. :) I get to start my soft foods diet on Friday. I can't wait! Feeling pretty good; still sore but a lot better than I was a week ago! August 23, 2001 I want to say thank you to those who have taken time to sign my guestbook or email me. I dont' always get time to respond and I apologise for that. Please know that your words of encouragement mean the world to me :) I feel up and down today. It's food...again. I'm getting tired of soup and I feel so ready to start eating the soft diet. I finally get to start tomorrow. I have to admit though that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of bursting my new tummy. Silly, I know, but it has happened to other people. I was so used to stuffing my face beyond fullness in the past. I never ate slowly and listened to my body to know when to stop. If it tasted good, I shoveled it in as quickly as I could so I could have more before that bloated feeling hit me. Now I am going to have to slow down and really listen to my body. What if I miss the cue? What if I do over eat? I know this fear probably sounds silly and irrational, but that's where I'm at right now. On the other hand, I know I will no longer be getting the emotional satisfaction that I used to get from food. A friend of mine pointed out something very interesting to me today. I've been codependant on food. I never saw it before but it makes sense to me now. Food was such a huge part of every aspect of my life. I don't know how to celebrate without it, I don't know how to relax without it, I don't know how to get through even the smallest situations without it. Last night we drove to Bakersfield to meet my mom and pick up our big boys who had been spending a week with her. It was hard enough not hitting a drive-thru for a soda on the way out. But then sitting in Mc Donald's (that's where we always meet to do this) watching the kids eat and not picking at their fries or sipping their sodas was so hard. Smelling all that food and not getting a Big Mac (my Mc Donalds burger of choice since childhood) was awful. I made it, I kept asking God to fill me where I was empty and longing for my old friend and He did. But it wasn't easy. As I write, I am smelling the marinated chicken that I'm cooking on the rotisserie for my family's dinner tonight. I'm all but drooling! I think I may go for a walk soon! August 25, 2001 I can't sleep. This is my third night in my regular bed and I am still having a hard time getting comfortable. I usually sleep on my sides and right now when I do I feel like my guts are falling to the side of my abdomen. Yuck! I know this (like all the other minor discomforts) will disappear with time; I'm just impatient. I had a hard time last night at dinner. Mike had a soda that he drank w/dinner and even though I know this was mean and unfair of me, I resented him so much! I miss my diet pepsi terribly. I know that sounds silly, but it's the truth. All it took was hearing that little soda bottle open and I just about cried. When I finally told him why I was so near tears he felt really bad and I felt awful for making him feel that way. He has been such a magnificent support all along, I love him so much. Today I had a scrambled egg for breakfast along w/one slice of toast. I couldn't finish it all. For lunch I just had some Ensure cause I still felt pretty full from breakfast. For dinner I had 1/2 tuna sandwich (just tuna mixed w/lite mayo on bread w/mustard) and a small handful of fritos. Again...couldn't finish it all. It's so weird to me filling up on so little. My mind misses consuming large amounts. I got into a smaller bra today and can almost get back into a bathing suit I wore about 4 years ago. That feels good. I've also been able to meet the 4 miles/day walking goal yesterday and today. The doc told me my weight loss is up to me. The more I want to loose, the more I need to walk. August 28, 2001 I have good news!!!! I took my eldest son, Kevin, to his chiropractor appt. today and I hopped on the scale there. Drum roll please.........I have lost a grand total of 22.5 lb. since my surgery 15 days ago!!! I am under 250 lb. for the first time in years! I knew I had lost some more because I have been able to put on clothes I haven't worn since before I got pregnant with Ryan. As a matter of fact, I'm wearing a shirt that I haven't worn in about 4 years right now!! Whoo hooo!!!! I made a big mistake yesterday. My youngest son, Ryan, had gotten ahold of the dish soap. As most 2 year olds would do, he sampled some. When I discovered this my first reaction was to pick him up and get him to the sink to rinse his mouth out. Big mistake. I had a horrible sensation of pain on my right side and for the rest of the day I hurt. Thankfully when I awoke today the pain was gone, but boy was I terrified yesterday. It was a good lesson. Oh, and Ryan is ok. :) |
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