| September Journal |
| September 1, 2001 In all the grief I've been feeling over the loss of particular foods and eating patterns, I've discovered something wonderful. I don't have to eat that way anymore! Before this surgey there were times I'd litterally find myself slaving for food. I'd eat because it was there, because I had a mental compulsion to do so, not because I needed it. Many times it would make me feel very sluggish and lousy but I just couldn't stop! I've always heard that boundries are very freeing. It sounds like just the opposite but it's so true. My surgery has made it so I cannot eat like I used to and the feeling is one of freedom! Of course those times of grief do set in and I sometimes cry, but there is also a joy in this too. Lately I've been examining my new behaviors. I've been walking 4 miles a day, I've been eating exactly as my doctor told me to and working hard to get in my protein supplements, vitamins and water. It seems like such a no brainer now. If I'm doing so good now, why did I need the surgery? I've doubted myself a lot in this respect. Why couldn't I pull it together enough before to do this? Truth is, I needed the surgery to accomplish this. I was too weak before to stick to this. The drive and compulsion to eat was so strong that I'd go to great lengths on a diet to cheat in hiding. I would feel so deprived on a diet that I'd feel the need to sooth myself and that's how I would do it. I really think I needed to be in a situation where I had no choice in order to do this. I know now that "cheating" would have severe physical consequences and some how that is making the difference for me. September 3, 2001 Be careful what you wish for...you just might get it. I know this sounds weird but I'm suddenly feeling like I don't want to be thin. All I've known for the last decade or so is fat. I know how to be fat me, I know how fat me eats, I know how fat me responds to situations, I know how fat me feels about things. Now the weight is coming off and I'm finding myself in unfamiliar clothing and emotions. I'm scared. Everyone around me is noticing the physical changes and praising me for it, but they don't understand what is going on in my head. I've been told that things from the past could resurface now that I don't have food to push them down. I've noticed that beginning this week. I don't want to go into details. The person involved is someone I care deeply for and I've long since forgiven them but the old hurts are haunting me. I don't know exactly how to handle it. Mike suggested getting out my dad's old 35mm camera, dusting it off and diving back into photography. It was one of my favorite hobbies in high school and he thought perhaps having an artistic outlet might help. I'm thinking seriously about taking his advice. September 8, 2001 Well, I weighed again last Wednesday and I was down another 4 lb. That makes a grand total of 26 lb. since surgery. I tried on a dress I haven't been able to wear in nearly 4 years yesterday and it fits! I'm going to wear it to my cousin's bday party tomorrow! :) I went to my first support group meeting this past Wednesday. I met my friend Marcia (fellow wls patient) and her mother, Shirley at their hotel and we went over together. It was great! I had such a wonderful time being in that room with all these other people who have had the surgery or will be having it or who were simply contemplating it. There is a sense of bonding there, you know everyone in that room understands on some level the feelings and emotions that accompany living life as an obese person. They understand the fears and doubts about the surgery and the sense of rebirth as the weight begins to melt away. I saw post-ops who were several years out jump to comfort nervous pre-ops, I saw the light in everyone's eyes as they proudly revealed how much weight they had shed or how many miles they had walked in the last month. Beyond that, I just cannot describe how wonderful it was to be there. I can't wait for next months meeting. After the meeting I went back to the hotel with Marcia and Shirley. We had such a great time sitting around talking and laughing and getting better acquainted. I think it was after 9pm when I finally left and even then I didn't want to go. One of the blessings I never expected from this surgery is the new friends I have made. :) September 10, 2001 I'm finally officially off of the soft diet and trying to expand my daily menus. So far so good! I've been able to tolerate lunch meat, cheeses, cereal, dairy products, applesauce, pears (canned), canned pasta, canned tamales, even some small sugar free cookies. I've been cautious of course and am still chewing everything very well. Knowing there is so much open to me now is a bit overwhelming and I think it would be really easy to over-do it, but I am being careful. I still crave fast food a lot. I think it hits hardest when I see a big huge dripping multi-layer cheeseburger and a tankard of fizzing soda on t.v. commercials. I've started muting those commercials. :) We went to Tehachapi yesterday to celebrate my youngest cousin's 18th birthday (I love ya, Tommy!!). What a wonderful day it was. I enjoyed being with my family so much. It was the first time seeing everyone since the surgery and hearing comments about how good I looked felt wonderful. After Tommy's party we went to my sister in law's house and spent a relaxing evening with them and my husband's folks. My mother in law and sister in law both really made over the change they saw in me. It made me feel so good to know they could see the change so far and had an appreciation for it. If you read this Mom or Michele, Thank you!! You both were a huge source of encouragement to me yesterday. I love you. :) September 11, 2001 My heart hangs so heavy today. May God grant peace and comfort to the victims and their families of today's horrifying events. September 12, 2001 I am still in shock. I cannot believe the horror that has been inflicted on our country, on our fellow Americans. I am angry, I am sad and yes, I am even a little frightened. But I know one thing for sure. We are strong, we will overcome this eventually and we will defend our country completely. I pray for God's peace, comfort and healing for those who's lives have been directly affected by this. I pray for strength, courage and direction for those who are right now working to find survivors and recover the deceased. I pray for wisdom and direction for the leaders of our country as they pursue the people responsible for this and punish them. September 14, 2001 I'm fighting head hunger again tonite. I want to eat something that tastes really good to me like a cheeseburger. I am really missing my diet pepsi tonight. I think this has a lot to do with recent events. Today was a very emotionally charged day. I cried so many times as I watched my t.v. So many sad people, so much pain. I know why I'm fighting head hunger tonite. It's because of how shocked and sad I've felt, I am wanting my old comfort, food, to console me once again. The desire is really strong, almost overwhelming. This is really hard... |
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