| January, 2002 Journal |
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| January 1, 2002 Happy New Year!!! January 4, 2002 I weighed again today...I'm 196 lb. now! That makes a total of 74 lb. lost AND...I'm finally smaller than my husband for the first ever! What a feeling! January 7, 2002 I'm really struggling with the things I'm eating. I know I need to be careful but old habits die hard. I gravitate toward FAT! I made the dumb decision the other day to try a Big Boy hamburger for the first time since surgery. I grew up on these burgers, I cannot remember not loving them. My mom jokes that I was weaned on them. They've litterally been a part of the family! Anyway, I ordered one the other day (and the fries with blue cheese dressing to dip them in! Somebody SMACK me! LOL). I ate almost 1/2 the burger and a few dipped fries. As soon as I was done I started feeling clammy and sick to my stomach. I didn't vomit but I think I might have been better off if I had. I nearly passed out! I spent about 2 hours on the couch feeling like garbage. I tried once to get up and again nearly fainted. Finally, after resting a long time, I was able to get up and drag my sorry self to bed. It is amazing to me how hard it is to resist taste and texture even when I know I should. I've spent my whole life finding comfort and joy in food and I'm having a hard time stopping that. I have an appointment on the 14th with my surgeon (actually w/his P.A.) for follow-up. I'm nervous about going because last time I went I was walking 4 miles a day faithfully. Right now I'm doing good if I even get 2 miles a day in. I feel so guilty for allowing this to happen, I'm angry with myself. Oh, I have excuses alright. Hundreds of them! LOL But the excuses won't make my body healthy. The excuses won't keep me from loosing muscle, the excuses are not going to get me out of trouble with my doctor! He's got a scale that tells him exactly how much of you is fat and how much is muscle mass. If the muscle doesn't increase much and the fat doesn't decrease, he knows you haven't been exercising. :-/ January 12, 2001 I feel really good, I've been getting my walks in every day again (2 miles). I've already noticed some progress in my tummy. My sis gave me a pair of size 16 jeans for my bday and since I've been walking again I've been able to button and zip them! :) I am looking forward to my appointment with Evelyn (Dr. Betcher's P.A.) on Monday. I'm excited to see the total picture of my progress and of course I will post it here when I get back. I read an article in the Freson Bee about gastric bypass surgery recently. The article was published a couple weeks ago and really seemed to shine the spotlight on the negative side of this surgery. I'm glad I read it although I have to admit it really depressed me. Especially when I found my surgeon's name in it. I don't feel any differently about him, he's taken good care of me. My surgery and life since have gone exceptionally well. I feel I am extremely lucky, not everyone fares so well.. The article talks about 13 people who have died after this surgery (2 of which had my doctor). It scared me. It also helped to remind me of the magnitude of the changes that have been made inside me and the absolute necessity of eating properly and paying attention to my health. I have felt so good physically and it's been so easy to get lazy about the foods I choose, taking my vitamins, getting my protein shake everyday and exercising. But whether I feel fine or not, those things are vital for me now more than ever. I'm posting a link to the article because I feel it's important for anyone considering this surgery to have ALL the information, not just the good. You can find the the article here: Dying To Loose Weight It's a long article with many sections. At the bottom of each page you will find a link to the next section. Just keep following them. There are also some links in the middle of each page, I recommend following those as well. You will find some good information there. January 14, 2002 I went to see my doc today (actually his P.A., Evelyn). She and I talked about the article for a long time and I have to say I have a lot more peace about it now. I'm seriously considering writting the "Bee" and informing them that there are those of us who's lives have been changed FOR THE BETTER because of this miracle surgery. My doctor has performed 1200 of these surgeries and only 2 of his patients have died. I personally feel those are pretty positive numbers. I weighed in today....187 lb.!!!! WOW! It's still incredible to me! I still can't believe what I see when I look in the mirror. It's like living a dream! My bloodwork looked really good inspite of my laziness in taking my vitamins. I did loose about 10 lb. in muscle which isn't good but Evelyn was very positive with me and told me that will change as I get back into my walking routine again. I'm about at the 50/50 point with fat and muscle. Not doing too bad. I'm pretty proud! Someone told me I was looking "skinny" today. Wow, what a feeling that was! January 24, 2002 I went to visit my cardiologist for my three month appointment the other day. He said that since my blood pressure had been down consistently for a quite a while now that he felt no need to keep seeing me. I've been officially released! Wow! What a feeling! I'm so pleased! :) My BP the other day was only 110/80 and that was after chasing my wonderful little 2 1/2 year old all over the office! January 31, 2002 I'm angry. All my life I've been taught by the media and the food industry that the most important thing to consider when making food choices is TASTE! Just tonight I was watching TV and I counted 4 commercials in less than an hour that were all about taste. Never mind what it is that makes the taste so appealing, nevermind what it does to our bodies. We are so pressured to eat, eat, eat! Eat early, eat late and always the fattiest, most unhealthful foods. It's a vicious cycle, our society expects us to eat like pigs (cause that means profit!) and when we get fat doing it, we are suddenly rejected! We're expected to eat all that wonderful tasting stuff but at the same time we are told in subtle ways that we are not acceptable if our bodies don't fit into the skinny mold. It's no wonder so many overweight and obese people suffer from depression. Then the diet industry steps in. They tell us how easy it is to loose the weight if we'll only commit to meetings and weigh in's and pay a whole lot of money. Then they heap guilt on us when we fall short and give into the behaviors that we've been taught all our lives, the very behaviors that got most of us fat! Don't get me wrong, I am an adult and I know better now. I alone am responsible for the choices I make and I have no one to blame but myself if my choices are bad. But trying to overcome the these ideas and behaviors that have been deeply embedded in my life is hard work! Even now at nearly 6 months post-op, I struggle daily with these demons. |
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