Feb02journal

February/March 2002 Journal

February 9, 2002
     I went with my husband to his former place of employment the other day. There are women there that I had become acquaintance-type friends with over the years. Several of them know that I have had the surgery and whenever we go into that store I usually receive a compliment from someone. When we were there the other day we ran into two women; one has always been very skinny. She was shocked at the change in me but also genuinely happy for me. The other one has battled weight for as long as I've known her. I watched her get really skinny a few years ago on a diet and over time she has put a lot of it back on. She saw me from across the store. I smiled and waved. I'm sure she saw me because we made eye contact. I know she knows that it was me because she's seen me since the surgery and because I had my husband right next to me. When I waved, she litterally looked away as if I wasn't there. Assuming that perhaps she hadn't seen me we approached her together to say hello. She said hello to us and then mentioned (very cooly) that I had lost a lot of weight and that I looked great. I thanked her and told her, "I feel great". She replied with a very flat, "well you should" and that was it. I was shocked. I had figured that this person of all people would have been excited for me. She understands the struggle so well. What I really got from her was a feeling of jealousy or resentment. How am I supposed to handle that? I have felt it from other people in my life, but none have been this noticeable. I was really hurt. I know it wasn't just me taking it personal because my husband noticed it too and said something as soon as we got back to our truck. I can understand on some level because I've been there, watching people loose large amounts of weight and feeling so sad for myself and jealous BUT I never tried putting that guilt on them. I believe I've always shown genuine happiness for those around me who've been able to take weight off. I used to have my own little joke when someone would tell me they had lost weight. I'd say, "yeah, hey, I found it...do ya want it back?" But I always said it in fun and was never mean about it. I don't know how to handle the subtle resentment from others. It makes me feel so guilty and then I get angry cause I feel guilty and I know I shouldn't have to. I haven't hurt anyone, I've done something to improve my health and quality of life. Why should I be made to feel guitly for it? I'm genuinely enjoying life for the first time in a long time! Why can't these people be happy along with me? Should I have stayed obese just so they could feel good? I think some people are pretty freaked out about me weighing less than them. There are some that say, "oh! You weigh less than me now!" It comes across as them freaking out cause "the fat chick" is smaller than they are. Some even go as far as to say, "boy, I better start dieting/working out". I am having a hard time handling this akwardness. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? Apologize for making a change? Ugh...

February 13, 2002
       Today is my 6 month anniversary! I can't believe this much time has passed already. It seems like just yesterday and yet is seems like a lifetime ago. I have been through so many changes in the last six months and I know there is much more to come.
     I want to take this time to say a huge THANK YOU to all my friends and family who have been so supportive of me through all of this. It is your love, prayers, support and belief in me that have helped me get to where I am now. I feel so lucky not just because of the weight loss, but most importantly because of the love that has been shown to me. Love, Lorie :)

March 13, 2002
     It's been a long time since I last posted here in my journal. To be honest, it's because I haven't been taking very good care of myself and I haven't wanted to face it. I'm embarrassed to admit that my walking has not just taken a back seat; it's been abandoned altogether. I keep finding excuses to skip my walks. The weather is too cold, it's raining, I'm too busy-don't have time, I don't feel good....etc.Truth is I've been lazy and when I get in this rut I have a very hard time pulling out of it.
     The walking was the first thing to go wrong and my eating habits soon followed. I've been drinking very little water and I've been sipping sodas again. Gradually the sipping has turned into a half of a can here and a half of a can there and these aren't diet/caffeine free sodas either. I understand that soda is the biggest culprit when it comes to stretching the pouch and that scares me to death. I feel its grip on me again. In my whole life I've never been able to have "a soda" and leave it at that. When I start drinking it I loose control. I was literally addicted to diet pepsi before my surgery. I was going through almost a whole 2-liter bottle daily on my own. It was so hard giving it up but after a few months I thought I was ok. I never thought I'd get hooked all over again and that's where I'm at now. I've made a really hard decision and that is to eliminate soda from my life completely. No more "sips". It's just too hard to control it.
     My food intake hasn't been the best. I've figured out how much sugar I can take in w/out dumping and so I've allowed myself that much. Well, sugar was something I had trouble with before surgery. At times I was completely out of control with it the way I was with soda. I feel that addiction taking hold again, too. And I've been allowing myself a lot of caffeine. That is dangerous because caffeine dehydrates you and it interferes with the absorption of nutrients from your food. The other big "no-no" I've been guilty of is grazing; eating off and on throughout the day in between meals. Between the sugar and the grazing my weight loss has come to a stand-still.
     I've been scared and ashamed. I know all the do's and don'ts and even so I've allowed myself to get to this place again. Why is it so easy to harm our bodies and so hard to stop it? How on earth could I allow myself to "fail" again? I've been feeling like crap and I know it's my own fault. I hate feeling so icky all the time and the guilt is eating me alive. I don't know how to deal with the head hunger and the food addiction. I had hoped that problem would disappear for the most part. I know I need to find help for that. In the mean time I'm recommitting myself to a healthy lifestyle. I took a short walk yesterday and realized it's going to take a while to work up to my 4 miles/day again. I walked almost 2 miles this morning. I'm going to commit to doing at least 2 miles/day for a couple of weeks before upping it to 4. I'm also cuttion out the sugar again and I'm going to drink more water and herbal iced tea. My wonderul, loving husband is being so supportive. He has committed to giving me time to walk in the mornings (or walk w/me depending on his work schedule). He hasn't judged me or looked down on me. He'd remind me once in a while that the things I was eating could hurt me, but he let me make my own decisions, never scolded me and was there for me when I'd dump. And now that I want to correct these things, he's there to help me. Mike, I love you so much.
     It felt good getting out and walking this morning. There is nothing like a strong, cold breeze in your face (the kind that makes your eyes water) to smack sense into you; kinda like someone saying, "Hey stupid! You've been given the most amazing do-over of your life! Why are you throwing it away?!" Besides that, Iforgot how much I'd enjoyed my walks. I love having that time to myself to think, to feel peace, to pray, to be silent. Today is my 7 month anniversary. I've messed up and because of that I haven't lost what I had the potential to loose in this amt. of time. Ok, that's over and done with, now let's look at the positives. In the last 7 months I have lost 90 lb., I've gone from a size 28 to a size 14 and I've lost a lot of inches. My blood pressure has gone from out of control to normal and I no longer require the care of a cardiologist. My confidence level is higher than ever and I can do more physically than I ever dreamed!
Time to end the pity party, get back up and start going for it again!!! :)