The double-wide shine
In the bootheels of your prime
There's no need to ask directions if you ever lose your mind
We're behind you, we're behind you
And let us please remind you
We can send a car to find you if you ever lose your way
1) Nidhi. There's nothing I can do or say to make her stop doing what she is doing. I make suggestions and she doesn't take them. And that's fine, people don't have to take my suggestions, and maybe they shouldn't, but I don't know what else to do. I tell her to talk to a doctor and she makes up some excuse not to. And I'm not even talking about Suleman. Both of them do not know what's good for either of them, and I have been saying this for three years. The only way I can think to help Nidhi is to just be wherever I need to be when she needs me, but even then I don't feel like much help.
2) Randy. Randy had a bad week. He had a week much like every week I had at VCU. And he's really confused and he's conflicted with stuff and other stuff with his parents and what he wants and what they want and all I can do is listen. And we think in such different ways that what I say, while it isn't moot, it certainly doesn't help much, because he thinks in the future and I think in the past, and I just think "do whatever you want to do" and he doesn't think that way. And the cookies I made him sucked.
3) Julia. Yes, I messed up with Julia. But messing up with Julia is different than messing up with Nidhi, because Nidhi is like, my sister and sort of has an obligation to be friends with me. But Julia doesn't. I don't even understand why she would want to speak to me after she told me the stuff she told me the other day. I don't get how someone would want to be friends with a person they thought so badly of. And I know that she only thinks bad things of me in one aspect of myself, but still. And what bothers me even more is that while she's right about those things, she's not right anymore. I can understand completely why she thinks the things she thinks, because at one point they were true, but they're not anymore because of a lot of things. And I don't know what to do. All I can do is be sorry, and I hate having "being" as the only verb I can choose. I don't know what to do when someone's mad at me. And I wish I could just say "fuck her, everything everyone has said about her is true" but I really don't believe that. Just like Julia doens't know how Randy really is, Randy and everyone else doesn't (don't?) know how Julia really is. But there is nothing I can do. I planned all this cool stuff for her birthday and she doesn't even want to see me, so what am I supposed to do? This is the only time in my life where I'd ask a total stranger (ann landers, carolyn hax) what to do. Because I can't ask my friends, because in the grand tradition of ME, my friends don't like eachother.
And also i'm very cold.
But I hate this feeling. I can't do anything about anyone's problems. Usually, I can. I don't know how but I can usually do something to make someone feel better and I just can't do that right now.
And my room is a mess, i suppose because the room reflects the amout of disorder in my life. This would be true if I were writing a book. My desk is neat though, I made sure of that yesterday.
Im going to clean my room now, in hopes SOMEONE will call me, and make me feel important.