The Miracle of Toilet Paper...
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this
take? I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies. I
stopped. Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?
Without missing a beat he says Worked for your butt, didn't it?
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk
again.
Stupid, stupid man.
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day,
enjoying his chance to get some sun.
All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops.
You poor man, she says.
I bet you've never been kissed have you?
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a
good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up.
You look like you need a hug, she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks
away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops,
a
sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.
Mister, she says,
Have you ever been Fucked?
No, he says with a hopeful grin.
Well, you are now. The tide's coming in.
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
No, the woman replied. Divorce attorney.
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?
Yes she replies, He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.
That's remarkable the husband replies, I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long.
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff
meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the
burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the
essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten
List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
09. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
08. Viagra, Like a rock!
07. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
06. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
05. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
04. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
03. Viagra, home of the whopper!
02. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
01. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK!!!
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last
child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those
payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get
there, I say, Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house
and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want
you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face.
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to
hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say, Now what yo momma say 'bout
that?
She say to tell you that you ain't my daddy .... and watch the
'spression on yo face.
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live
on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
Then he goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
Are you going to tell him, or should I?
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damned floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hey?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
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