Ya Just Gota Love This Guy!!
Next time you are too drunk to drive,
Walk to the nearest pizza shop,
Place an order,
And when they go to deliver it,
Catch a ride home with them
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
As she was leaving, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that she'll be glad to help her, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word "comfortable".
The telegraph operator shakes her head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow.. (com-for-da-bull)
Bubba from Alabama was suffering from constipation,
so his HMO doc prescribed suppositories.
A week later Bubba complained to the doc that they didn't produce the
desired results.
Now Bubba, have you been taking them regularly? the doctor asked.
What do you think I've been doing, Doc-- said the annoyed Bubba,
shovin' em up my butt?!
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly.
The other man said, What is the name of the restaurant?
The first man thought and thought and finally said, What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's
red and has thorns.
Do you mean a rose?
Yes, that's the one, replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?
Buying Xmas Stamps
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk,
May I have 50 Christmas stamps? The clerk says, What denomination?
The woman says, God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian,
10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at
his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him.
I don't know, he said. She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.
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