Today's Blessing:
May the fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of the person
who fucks up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
THE SKUNK :
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
He says, O.K., Get in the car with it.
Where shall I put it to get it warm?
He says, Put it in between your legs.
It's nice and warm there.
But what about the smell?
Just hold its nose.
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene
A man was telling his neighbor, I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.
Really, answered the neighbor. What kind is it?
Twelve thirty.
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.
She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine
Scented deodorizer.
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and
the Avon lady asked,
Do you smell something?
Well, yes I do, he replied.
What does it smell like? she asked.
The bemused gentleman answered, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like
someone shit under a Christmas tree.
An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to interview him.
Chief Two Eagles asked one Official, You have observed the white man for
90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done. The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes.
No debt.
Plenty buffalo.
Plenty beaver.
Women did all the work.
Medicine man free.
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing.
All night having sex.
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
Sex In The Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device...
a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
You impotent bastard, She screamed at him, how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids
An older couple were headed to the bed room. The man jumped into bed and the woman went
to the bathroom.
When she came out she was in her robe with nothing on underneath, she was flashing the
ol' fella and saying "SUPER PUSSY....SUPER PUSSY".
The old man reply's, "I'll take the Soup" !!
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a
quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front
of the cashier.
He said, You must be single.
The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on
the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections
said, Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk said, Cause you're uglier 'n shit.
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