A old man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, Did you call for me?
The man replies No; what do you mean?
She says, You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool,lies down on a towel,
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out
of the steam room toward him, Did you call for me? says the hairy man.
No, what do you mean? says the newcomer.
You must be new, says the hairy man, it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over
a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist, May I help you? she asks.
The man yells, Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
can keep the $500 membership fee.
But sir, she replies, you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.
The man replies, Listen lady, I'm 68 years old;
I only get an erection once a month
but I fart 15 times a day;
I'm outta here!
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
What's that? he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.
Horrified, she said, Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. Here, she said, you must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
What the hell did you do that for?
Just checking for bees, said Tarzan.
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him,
knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!
Lie to me!"
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,How's the girlfriend?
Pinocchio replied, Who needs a girlfriend?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book.
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,
You say here that your wife is crazy.
Mickey replied, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy.
Only In Florida
A recently retired rich couple from Minnesota now living in Naples, Florida
was getting ready to go out to dinner.
She came out of the bedroom and said to him,
Darling, do you want me to wear this Channel suit or the Gucci one?
Do I care? he replied.
A few minutes later she, again, came out of the bedroom and said to her
husband,
Shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?
Whatever you'd like, said he.
A few more minutes passed and, again, she came out of the bedroom and said
to her husband,
Darling, shall I wear my five carat pear diamond ring or my six carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?
To which he responded, Hey, I really don't care, but if you don't get yourself in gear, we're going to miss the earlybird special!
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, You can have her shipped home for $ 5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.-
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $ 150.-?
The man replied, A man died here 2000 years ago,
was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance.
[ Back ]...................................................................................................................................................
[ Forward ]
