Little Jordan was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is it called when people sleep on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling." Then she explained all about the birds
and the bees to him in detail.
Little Jordan just said, "OK" and went back outside to play. A few minutes
later he came back in and said angrily, "Awwwww Grandma, it is not called
sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples'
alternate shot tournament at his club.
He teed off on the first hole, a par four,
and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of
the fairway.
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his
wife Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be
fine.
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the
woods.
Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent
the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in
time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life
to get the ball within two feet of the hole.
He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife
then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.
Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned
all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.
He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm
around his wife and calmly said, Honey, that was a bogey, and that's
OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole.
To which she replied, Listen jerk only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.
A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem. The young Jew asks,
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"
The old Jew still doesn't answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"
The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Billy Bob then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't
have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And
she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads
"W I N A B A G E L"
An old couple was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office when the nurse came out and said, "Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he needs you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample before he examines you."
The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said, "What did you say?"
The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly, "We're going to need you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample, Mr. Jones."
The old man leaned forward and said, "What did you say, young lady?", then turning to his wife next to him he shouted, "what'd she say?"
His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear, "She said she wants your shorts!"
Murphy's Real Laws ....
01. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
02. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
03. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
04. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
05. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
06. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
07.When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
08.Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
09. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11.He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
12.She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
13.You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15.Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19.It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20.Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22.It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23.You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up
75% of the world population.
25.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26.The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
28 Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29.The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31.It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. The water tastes better when your up stream from the herd.
34. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
35. Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
36. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos;
you never know what's going to burn your ass.
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