Dawdle: Welcome, all of you, my minions of darkness!
(We see Dawdle sitting in a lime green bean bag chair, next to Spry, who is glaring in her orange one. They are still in the voids of time or space�..or whatever the hell you want to call it. As a new addition, we see a blue lava lamp sitting atop Spry�s yellow stool, which is placed behind the two beanbag chairs.)
Spry: They are not you�re minions of darkness! They�re my fans�..and buddies�..and stuff!
Dawdle: Now now, sister mine, do behave yourself, or I�ll have to do something drastic. As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted�
Spry: (cuts him off) I�m not rude. You�re just insignificant. Clown.
Dawdle: (fakes a hurt expression) Oh, Spry, it hurts me to hear you say that. Now be quiet so I can address our audience. Now, my friends, when last we left our Fellowship, they had just finished the first half of their journey through the mines. Now we shall watch to see if they all make it out alive. If I have my way�..that isn�t very likely.
Spry: (jumps out of her bean bag chair) What ever you are planning, you can�t do it! You�ll ruin everything!
Dawdle: (maniacal laughter) That is the point, isn�t it?
Spry: (murmurs to herself) I have to warn the girls!
Dawdle: Oh, I don�t think so, sister mine. You can�t go off and ruin my plans. I did warn you to behave yourself, but now the time for your punishment has arrived.
(With a flash Spry is no longer in the same room as Dawdle, but in another one�..just as black and empty as the other room was originally. Then we here Dawdle�s voice.)
Dawdle: Now, Spry, to keep you from meddling in my plans, I have a special treat for you.
Spry: Dawdle, you clown, don�t do this!
Dawdle: You brought it all upon yourself. Now do enjoy.
(Dawdle�s voice stops speaking and suddenly the blackness turns to white and then fades into color. The walls, and floors are all giant screens, and sound is heard loudly throughout the room. Each of the walls is playing the exact same Pokemon episode, and the sound is blasting through the room.)
Spry: (screams) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DAWDLE, YOU CAN�T DO THIS TO ME! THIS IS CRUEL AND UNSUAL PUNISHMENT! (starts banging on the walls frantically) LET ME OUT!!
Dawdle: (maniacal laughter) Soon my sister will discover that she can�t even use her magic of insanity to get herself out of that room. She is doomed to watch Pokemon until my plan is carried out, by which time it�ll be too late for her to do anything�..and she should no longer be sane�..thus she shall no longer be a problem. I will have victory! Now go, and watch your friends in the mines, because soon they will no longer be among the living!
(With a different kind of flash, a creepy evil one, we see the Fellowship making their way down some stairs. Gandalf pauses and the light on his staff brightens considerably.)
Gandalf: Welcome to the great realm and Dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf!
(Everyone looks around in awe and utter amazement. Several gasp.)
Sam: Well, there�s an eye opener and no mistake.
Stevie and Harper: (in unison, in the weird surfer dude voice) It�s huuuuuggggeeee!
Gimli: (runs off into a door to their right) Ho!
Gandalf: Gimli!
(They all follow Gimli, who, at the site of what appears to be a tomb of some sort, kneels down and keeps saying no while crying in his misery. Gandalf looks at the inscription on the tomb.)
Gandalf: �Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria. So it is true, then.
Legolas: (talking to Aragorn) We should not linger.
(They all just stand around for a little while, with Gimli still mourning the loss of his cousin. Gandalf hands Pippin his hat and his staff and picks up this giant book off of a random dead guy. He reads from it.)
Gandalf: �They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates, but not for long. We hear the sounds of drums, drums in the deep. They are coming.�
(Just then, with a clank, some dead guy, who was sitting on the edge of the well, falls into the well, head first, then body, then the chain and bucket attached to the skeleton. Everyone looks at Pippin because he was standing closest to it.)
Pippin: It wasn�t me, I swear it!
Van: It wasn�t him. He didn�t move. Something made that thing move. It wasn�t Pippin.
Stevie: The annoying forces of gravity, perhaps? Anybody have a clue?
Gandalf: Shhh! Listen!
(Everyone falls silent and then they hear the sound of drums, getting louder and louder. Everyone seems really freaked out. Boromir runs to the door and looks out. Two arrows whiz past his head and right into the door. He grabs the door and starts to close it when Aragorn runs over and helps him. Legolas starts tossing them axes for them to bar the door with.)
Boromir: They have a cave troll.
Kit: Excellent! I�m going to die.
Aragorn: (rushing back over, pulling out his bow, and gesturing to the hobbits and the girls) Stay close to Gandalf!
(Everyone pulls out their weapons and waits. The orcs start trying to break down the door, and Aragorn and Legolas start shooting arrows through the openings. Within a few more moments, the door has been torn down and orcs begin to pour into the room. Most of the guys let out this strange �manly� battle cries, including the hobbits after a few moments, leaving the girls slightly unsure of what to do. The orcs spot them and charge at them.)
Van: (lets out this blood curdling shriek) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(All the orcs coming near them suddenly stop and cover their ears.)
Stevie: Hey Van, keep that up. You too, Kit. Maybe it�ll distract them!
Harper: (mocking the Mace Windu line) This party�s over! (runs up to an or and lops it�s head off) Nas-tay. Come on, Stevie, this is a ball!
Stevie: (ramming her sword in through another orc) Oh, yeah. We should really do this more often. This *so* totally beats all of our crazy weekend get-togethers! I mean, what is more fun than dismembering ugly things?
Harper: I can�t think of anything. Mean, the squirting black blood, the guts, the smell�..it�s all so beautiful!
(The shrieking stops and Stevie and Harper look at the other two girls. Kit makes some signs with her hands and then Stevie and Harper realize that Van and Kit can�t scream anymore because their throats hurt. At that moment the cave troll breaks through the doorway.)
Stevie: Well, that just sucks. Van, Kit, if you can�t scream anymore�.. (impales another orc) than kill stuff!
(Van and Kit actually start killing things. Kit really starts to get into it once she notices that the orcs are going after her precious hobbits.)
Kit: (kicks an orc in the butt) Where the hell do you think you�re going? Not trying to kill my hobbits are you?
(The orc growls and lunges at her but Sam jumps in and whacks it in the head with his frying pan.)
Sam: (hitting the orc again when it tries to get back up) You never hurt a lady!
Kit: Oh, Sam, you�re so sweet! (slits the orc�s throat) I love hobbits!
(Meanwhile, Van is starting to get the hang of the whole killing thing. She was unsure like Kit, but when an orc tried to grab her by the shoulder and she noticed how bad the wretched thing smelled, she had a fit and started dismembering it.)
Van: (hacks of its left arm) Never touch me, you disgusting�.. (hacks of its right arm) smelly�.. (stabs it in the stomach) unsanitary piece of crap! (hacks off its head) Ahh�..I feel refreshed.
(During this time, the cave troll had chased the hobbits, had found Frodo, been stabbed by Aragorn, had knocked Aragorn over, and was just about the thrust the spear into Frodo.)
Frodo: (stabbed) Uggghhhhh�.. (falls over)
(For what seems like an eternity, everyone just stands there and watches as they realize what has just happened, and then everyone comes back into reality. Merry and Pippin jump on the troll�s back and keep stabbing it, while everyone else is in such a frenzy that they just mercilessly begin to hack away at their enemies. Soon enough all the orcs are dead, and the troll has fallen. Aragorn, who has at some point gotten up, goes over to Frodo.)
Aragorn: Oh no�..Frodo�.. (rolls him over) What?
Frodo: (gasps in pain) Ugh!
Aragorn: Are you alright!
Frodo: I�m alright. I�m not hurt.
Aragorn: That spear would have skewered a wild boar!
Stevie: Well, he�s not a wild boar, he�s got Bilbo�s mithril thingy, and we need to get to the bridge whatever before we all die.
Gandalf: To the bridge of Khazad Dum!
(The Buddyship runs out of the room and gets into this chamber which they run across. Suddenly, all these orcs appear out of holes in the ceiling and cracks in the floors. They soon find themselves surrounded by thousands of orcs. They stand in a circle, backs facing one another. Just when they are convinced there is no escape, there is a large rumble from behind them, and a red glowing light appears. The orcs begin to shriek and crawl back into the holes from which they came.)
Van: Uh-oh. Stevie, is that what I think it is?
Stevie: Yep.
Boromir: What is this new devilry?
Gandalf: (pauses a moment) This foe is beyond any of you�..
Harper: I vote that we run!
Legolas: I like that idea. Let�s run.
Gandalf: Run!
Stevie: Now he says it!
(They all go running to the other side of the chamber thingy. They come out and find themselves atop a big thing of stairs. Boromir nearly falls off the steps, when he runs into a dead end. Legolas just happens to conveniently grab him, and then they all set off down the stairs again, until they reach the huge crack in the stairs and need to take their time jumping and/or throwing each other over it.)
Legolas: (hops over the crack) Gandalf!
(Legolas waves to Gandalf, who does his best to jump over the crack without breaking a hip. The next thing they know arrows and stuff come flying at them from goodness knows where. With a nudge from Boromir, Kit and Harper jump over at the same time, soon followed by Boromir, Merry, and Pippin, just as the section of rock they were just standing on falls off. Aragorn throws Sam over, then Van, and then Stevie. Gimli insists on letting himself jump, and he did, but nearly fell off, so Legolas grabbed him by the beard. The rock beneath Aragorn and Frodo breaks away and the two are forced to move back farther up the stairs. They wait until the rumble from the thing that is chasing them knocks a rock down that breaks off the stairs behind them, causing the section they are standing on to fall forward. They do some running, cross the bridge of Khazad Dum, and then stop when they realize that Gandalf has stopped in the middle of the bridge and the thing following them is a giant Balrog.)
Frodo: Gandalf!
Gandalf: (raising his staff) You shall not pass!
Balrog: GROWL! HISS! BREATH FIRE!
Gandalf: I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. Dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow!
Balrog: (walks forward and the bridge goes out underneath him) FLAME! HISS! BURN! FALL! AHH!
(Gandalf sighs and begins to turn around when the Balrog�s whip grabs his ankle and he falls back, grabbing at the bridge trying to pull himself up. He looks at Frodo, who is being held back by Boromir, for a moment and then stops.)
Gandalf: Fly you fools!
(Gandalf lets go and Frodo spazzes out. Everyone looks really freaked. Boromir picks Frodo up and carries him out. Aragorn stares for a moment and then runs out. They run over the rocks and once some distance away from the exit they all stop. The hobbits and the girls are all in a devastated state. Legolas is staring into space, Aragorn is wiping the blood from his sword, Gimli is sitting with his head in his hands, and Boromir is looking quite upset. Sam and Harper are sitting a little ways away, both crying. Van is curled up in a ball crying, with Stevie behind her in a similar position. Merry and Pippin are near each other, with Kit kneeling next to Merry. Frodo is wandering off.)
Aragorn: (turns to Legolas) Legolas, get them up!
Boromir: Give them a moment, for pity�s sake!
Aragorn: By night fall these hills will be swarming with orcs. We must reach the woods of Lothlorien. Come, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli! Get them up.
(Aragorn walks over to pull Sam to his feet, when suddenly, there is this flash of creepy and weird light. There appears a figure that looks similar to their friend Spry, only�..creepier�..not to mention it�s a guy. You know this person to be Dawdle.)
Aragorn: (raises and eyebrow) Who are you?
Dawdle: (smirks) I am Dawdle, twin brother to your friend Spry. I regret to inform you that my sister is currently�..preoccupied�..with some more pressing matters.
Legolas: What do you want?
Dawdle: I have come to relieve you of some of your companions. I have use for them.
Aragorn: (draws his sword) You will do no such thing!
Dawdle: (scoffs) Oh, yes, as if you can stop me. I think not. Good day to you all.
(Aragorn and Boromir, who have their swords drawn start to charge after him, but with another creepy, and somewhat blinding flash, they stop only to find him gone. They stop and look around for a moment.)
Boromir: (growls) He�s taken the girls. Are all the hobbits still here?
Aragorn: (counts them) Yes. Frodo, come here! I can�t have you wandering off right now.
(Frodo walks back towards the group and they all seem to set aside Gandalf�s tragic death to think about what has just happened.)
Merry: (wiping his eyes with his sleeve) I don�t see why he would have taken them!
Legolas: (shakes his head) I do not know. Aragorn, you talked about going into Lothlorien.
Aragorn: I did.
Legolas: The Lady of the Golden Wood sees many things. Perhaps she can help us solve this riddle.
Frodo: (sniffles) Than let us go. We won�t be able to help them if we wait here to get ourselves killed.
Boromir: Frodo is right. We can do no more good here. Getting the Ring to safety comes first. Then we can figure out what to do about this Dawdle.
(We see the girls in strange room with the bean bag chairs and the stool with the lava lamp on top. There are three new chairs there, and Dawdle is sitting in his.)
Dawdle: Now, girls, do make yourselves comfortable.
Van: Why are we here?
Dawdle: You shall see. This is all part of my master plan.
Stevie: Would you care to outline this �master plan� for us?
Dawdle: I said that you�ll see.
(Harper kneels down behind his bean bag chair and grabs him by the hair, pulling his head back.)
Kit: Here. (hands Harper one of her daggers) Perhaps he needs a little persuasion.
Harper: Why thank you, Kit. (holds the blade up to his throat.) Well? You were saying?
Dawdle: (chuckles) Now I can see why my sister chose you. Release me and I will explain all.
(Harper lets him go, and hands the dagger back to Kit. Stevie unsheathes her sword and stands in front of him, and then begins to tap her foot in annoyance.)
Stevie: Talk.
Dawdle: It�s sort of a long story, but I�ll make it short. Naturally, there has to be a random person in every fairy tale who betrays the heroes, or in this case, heroines, and gives the bad guy a bit of a lead. That is what I have done.
Van: Oh man. Are you one of those losers who like kidnaps us and hands us over to the Dark Lord because we know what happens in the rest of the story?
Dawdle: Just about. Only I�m handing you over to Saruman, not Sauron.
Kit: Dude! I hate you! You can�t give us over to the creepy old guy! He�s all�..creepy�..and stuff!
Dawdle: (cringes) Yeah, I know. But hey, after I do it, I�m promised like ultimate power and stuff.
Harper: Man, don�t you ever read the end of the tale? The loser, in this case, you, gets like stabbed in the back and dies and gets zilch. Why bother?
Dawdle: Because I get to be evil for a little while. You know, indulge in the maniacal laughter, tell my evil minions what to do�
Van: You don�t have any evil minions.
Dawdle: (growing angry) I will! Once the wizard is done with you, I have you as my own. And then I will have evil minions!
Kit: I ain�t being your evil minion, you spaz!
Stevie: Wait. So are you going to take us to Isengard or something?
Dawdle: Yes. That was the plan.
Kit: Could you, like, go over there so we can have a pow wow of insanity for a second?
Dawdle: (gets up and walks to the other side of the room) Sure, go ahead.
(The girls to the opposite side of the weird room/ voids of space and time thing and have this little huddle.)
Van: So what are we gonna do, homies?
Stevie: Well, we have options. Harper, you�re the genius. Come up with some.
Harper: (sighs) Why do I have to be the intelligent one?
Kit: Oh let me. Alright. We have the basic choices of escaping or going to Isengard.
Stevie: We can�t all go to Isengard. No matter what, there are certain things we have to change.
Van: Like what?
Kit: We have to make sure the fellowship gets split up and that the Ring heads to Mordor.
Stevie: We have to save Boromir.
Harper: What?!
Stevie: Don�t what me. I�m not going to let him die. You can�t go to Isengard because you have to stop him from getting killed.
Harper: I thought we agreed we weren�t going to mess up the plot!
Stevie: Yeah, well that was before we discovered that you have the hots for Cap�n Crunch.
Van: Stevie, you can�t go to Isengard either.
Stevie: Why not?
Van: Because, fuzzlehead, you know what happens after the Fellowship breaks up. So does Harper. Kit and I are relatively clueless. Saruman will like interrogate us and stuff. We can�t tell him what we don�t know!
Kit: Wow. That was, like, the first real thought she�s ever had.
Harper: And it was a great one. When we get out of this mess, you get a cookie.
Van: Oooo�..cookie�..
Stevie: And because we are going to see to it that Boromir lives�..we can�t guarantee that Merry and Pip won�t get taken to Isengard anyway�..I can convince Ranger-dude to go to try and rescue them!
Harper: That�s all well and good, but I don�t like the idea of sending you two to Isengard by yourselves.
Kit: We can take care of ourselves. We don�t need you or Stevie to protect us.
Van: Trees!
Stevie: What?
Van: The big tree thingies!
Kit: What is she talking about?
Harper: Van, do you mean Ents?
Van: Yeah. You have to make sure Merry and Pip get kidnapped! I remember that part!
Stevie: She�s right. Ugh. This sucks. Alright. So the general consensus is?
Kit: We convince Dawdle to send Van and I to Isengard, and you and Harper to Lothlorien where the Buddyship is now, saying that you can get Dawdle extra brownie points with Saruman for leading the Fellowship off course. We�ll give Saruman misinformation and you handle to Fellowship.
Harper: So we get the Buddyship to Amon Hen, we are attacked by orcs, I save Boromir, and then we make sure that Merry and Pip get kidnapped, Frodo and Sam head off to Mordor to destroy the Ring, and Stevie, you convince Aragorn to take you, Gimli, and Legolas off in search of Merry and Pip!
Van: But doesn�t that leave you and Boromir back at Amon Hen?
Kit: You�re random thought processing skills are beginning to frighten me.
Stevie: Harper, you can take Boromir somewhere, just be sure you have him in Minas Tirith by the time everybody is headed for the Black Gate. If he comes with us he�ll get his arse killed at Helm�s Deep anyway.
Van: Meanwhile, when the Ents show up and Isengard with Merry and Pip, we�ll be there and we�ll find them!
Kit: So we�re good?
Harper: Yep! Alright, Dawdle�..we have a deal for you�..
