50 worst rock songs of all time

The following is transcribed from the February 7, 2001 issue of The Aquarian and it was written by John Fortunato.   It's basically a bunch of crap, but it's pretty funny reading.  As for me, I like a lot of the songs on this list, especially #15!  I hope you find it as funny as I did. (Please note, my comments appear in this font throughout the page.)

Opening statement by John Fortunato:

Whether completely sterile and totally homogenous or just overrated and overplayed (Led Zepplin's snore-inducing "Stairway to Heaven"), these are only a handful of the Worst Rock Songs of All Time. No '60s stuff comes close to making the list, because back then even the most banal rock had an innocence, naiveté or light hearted catchiness that evoked some passionate emotion.

This list embellishes the contrived dreck and disingenuous, bloodless bile the nondescript lowest common denominator eats up, while listening to dismal "modern" radio stations whose collective di¢ks get sucked by a thankfully shrinking number of major label drips.

Okay, so now he's completely discredited himself (in my view anyway).  read-on, it gets better.

1)  "We Built This City" - Jefferson Starship

When singer Grace Slick led '60s psychedelic legends Jefferson Airplane, she flipped the bird to Nixon and broke out her big boobs for the press, confronting hypocrites and shouting for political rebellion like a savage hippie.  But this warmed over '80s #1 hit proved she was now an aging, pandering twit.  If Starship "built this city on rock and roll," it'd fall down with a huff and a puff.  Mechanical $hit like this confirms pessimists' thoughts on why '80s pop-rock sucked the big one.

I kinda liked this one...

2) "Rock You Like A Hurricane" - Scorpions

Not bad on first hearing, but dull and one-dimensional with repeated play.  Reprehensible third-string imitation aggro-rock from angry, late-blooming krauts.

This is a great song! (What a moron!)

3) "We Didn't Start The Fire" - Billy Joel

Even if "it's still rock and roll" to him, this insulting, half-baked political pabulum puked out stupidity nearly as insipid as his insulting "Allentown."  His assessment of why America falters due to pre-hippie conservatism is misguided, and dimwitted.  Those nimrods at IBM parodied this asinine garbage at some dull conference where I wasted time.  That says enough about the type of pu$$ie$ who'd listen to this phony Elton John castoff from Bong Island.

Okay, not one of Billy's best...

4) "Cumbersome" - Seven Mary Three

Song title's dictionary definition says it all: burdensome, unwieldy, clumsy.  Stupid post-grunge hurled out by a very limited, unexciting, inept vocalist.

I admit I like this one. Go ahead, you can admit it too.

5) "Everything I Do, I Do For You" - Bryan Adams

Maybe this worthless turd doesn't qualify as rock, but Adams began his career as a better than average Canadian rocker.  Now he serenades boring, heavyset housewives with MOR filler. I wouldn't wipe my a$$ with this puerile sentimental drivel.

This whole album is pretty good...(no 45s in sight!)  But if it doesn't even qualify as rock, what's it doing on the list?

6) "Danger Zone" - Kenny Loggins

"Fall into the Danger Zone," my butt.  Loggins lived in the safety of a limo backseat since his pimply '70s days on the road with once-talented former Buffalo Springfield member Jim Messina.

This is definitely part of my 45 collection (stop laughing!).

 7) "Kryptonite" - Three Doors Down

How many fake-grunge rip-offs could saturate the stale teen market? Feckless, outdated piss water that gives blues empire Mississippi a black eye. "Loser" was properly titled follow-up.

Love it, and "Loser" too! As a matter of fact, I like the whole dang record.

8) "(I Hate) Everything About You" - Ugly Kid Joe

Arguably the worst popular '90s group ever.  Trashy, insecure vile.

I don't know this one, but if it fits the rest on the list, I would probably like it (or at least I wouldn't hate it.)

9) "Dust In The Wind" - Kansas

Trying to make a heavy statement about spiritual meaninglessness was way out of the grasp of these shrill-singing art-rock hacks.  Only lame philosophical potheads tried to understand its dumfounded lyrics.

I loved this song in the '70s and I still love it today.  It was the first 45 I purchased for myself.

10)  "Mr. Roboto" - Styx

It's okay to be sensationalistic, second-hand '70s art-rockers when you come up with something as delicious as "Lady" or "Come Sail Away." But an unwarranted seriousness perpetuated their '80s material, leading these soft-headed Chicagoans to have "Too Much Time On Their Hands," resulting in this dehumanized, emotionless, cyber-futuristic crud.

Okay, so Styx forgot where they came from with this record - they admitted it in their VH1 Behind the Music.  We know they're sorry!

11) "Comedown" - Bush

Sterile British grunge knockoffs are safer than milk. Bush's songs lure you in with catchy introductions, then hammer home the same unoriginal, inconsequential riffs over and over ad infinitum.

Don't know it...

12) "Sunglasses At Night" - Corey Hart

Bone-headed tripe lacks ironic sense of Timbuk 3's witty "The Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades)." Drippy pop posing as soft rock.

Corey's cute, and I liked the song too. (Yes, it's part of the 45 collection...)

13) "Candle In The Wind" - Elton John 

Overused, meandering ballad in remembrance of Marilyn Monroe, a Hollywood whore the mafia killed off for JFK.  Elton wrote about a tramp, then used it as sagging career fodder by attaching it to a dethroned, decapitated princess. Irony?

Elton is a music genius but even he recorded some duds.  This classic should be replaced by "Ain't No Shoe Strings on Louise," which is truly Elton's worst. 

14) "Story Of A Girl" - Nine Days

It took me no time to hate this flaccid, saccharine-stained wimp rock.  Another hackneyed, routing, and inconsequential K-ROCK hit forced down  the throats of undersexed post-teens by corporate majors.

I agree it's overplayed, but not list-worthy.

15) "3 A.M." - Matchbox 20

First Hootie & the Goldfish rob Pearl Jam, then these pretentious Floridian knuckleheads pilfer the leftovers.

John Fortunato deserves to be tortured for this faux pas, but at least he didn't say anything too nasty (check out number 21 for a dose of real insults).

16) "Missing You" - John Waite

Putrid smarm for those suffering from premature ejaculation but afraid to admit it.

This reeks of "45 collection," doesn't it?

17) "When The Children Cry" - White Lion

This limp-wristed hair metal was so inconsequential, it faded into dust faster than it rose to No. 1. Faux-strings underscore a "serious" Societal theme these oafs could never comprehend.

Good tune, John and I definitely don't have the same musical tastes.  He probably loves "Afternoon Delight." (Needless to say, I HATE that one!)

18) "Heaven" - Warrant

Flaccid faux-metal ballad drips forth like sperm on tissue.

I'm not crazy about John's description here.  Seems a little personal to me.

19) "When I See You Smile" - Bad English

Sappy, indistinguishable tripe cops John Waite's humdrum epic style.

Sappy works for Bad English (hmmm, 45 anyone?)

20) "Zooropa" - U2

An early '80s guiding light, U2 became an increasingly insipid band. Led by Bono, stuck-up jerk with bad body odor who believes his own bull$hit, these crass Irishmen maintain press relations with Spin and Rolling Stone because their label buys expensive ads.

Zoo-what? U2's not my favorite anyway...

21) "Bad Medicine" - Bon Jovi

Disgustingly juvenile Joisy band with pretty boy pretensions and, I imagine, small penises.

Ouch!

22) "With  Arms Wide Open" - Creed

Okay, we're all sick of it, but 50 worst? I doubt it!

23) "Open Arms" - Journey

Steve Perry screeches like a girl and gives submissive passivity a bad name. 

Just another same-old Journey tune, how can you pick one over another? (They all sound the same...)

24) "Memory Remains" - Metallica

When an old, tired, Napster-stifled metal punk outfit outgrows usefulness, they record covers, while only the memory remains fertile.

I'm not sure I recognize this one...

25) "New Kid In Town" - Eagles

Limited country-rockers initially infatuated by Poco and Buffalo Springfield grow up rich, discover an electric piano, and deliver maudlin crud like this. The lyric's right: "I don't wanna hear it."

Yeah, this is a boring tune.

26) "Russians" - Sting 

After The Police conquered the world, Sting became a bad poet with lifeless, pretentious lyrics. And his unrealized thoughts about the Commies sputter and warble like a flat tire.

Before this song, I didn't know who Sting was! Yeah, it's a 45 tune for sure.

27) "Ironic" - Alanis Morissette

What's "Ironic" is how a dull scarecrow who ripped off Lisa Del Bello's phrasing ever had a follow-up to the enlightening "You Oughtta Know."

Alanis isn't among my top ten either, but this isn't her worst.

28) "17" - Winger

Still looking for underage girls to spread, but with crow's feet, these relics only induce snickers.

So personal John! (How many 45s do I own anyway?)

29) "The Flame" - Cheap Trick

No. 1 hit finds singer Robin Zander's once-mighty voice flickering over a drippy ballad as soft as Bob Dole's pre-Viagra erections.

Not only a 45, but on CD too!

30) "Heat of the Moment" - Asia

Former Yes members tried to shove their generic art-rock swill up radio's lubricated a$$. Second album died a horrific, deserved death.

Love it! (Better than YES in my view - no 45s here (okay, I lied!).

31) "Notorious" - Duran Duran

After the new wave success of "Rio," these Brit pretty boys became sniveling  $hits catering to teen girl market. 

I can't say I remember this one...so it couldn't possible make a "worst" list for me!

32) "November Rain" - Guns N' Roses

Overextended neo-classical  mishmash, pudpounding, pimply, overripe virgin males found compelling.

Where have these guys gone?

33) "Drive" - Cars

By the mid-'80s, these new wave pioneers were dabbling in twee pop ("uh oh, it's magic") and this soupy somniferous balladry.

Remember the Cars? Wonder what they're doing now...

34) "You Can't Hurry Love" - Phil Collins

Can't hurry love? No. You just  masturbate. An embarrassing, soulless, faux-string version of the Supremes' classic.

This is very catchy - I like it.

35) "Eye Of The Tiger" - Survivor

Debut '78 single, "Only in America," saluted unknown girl with gleeful spirit. Four years hence, this overplayed, tenor-shrieked Rocky theme mistook pride for redundancy.

I saw survivor in concert when they opened for Journey and the were much better than the headline act...

36) "Stairway to Heaven" - Led Zeppelin

Overplayed hippie gibberish intended as elongated throwaway on Zeppelin IV becomes FM staple thanks to lunkhead pot-smokers.

Dis'ing a classic, how rude!

37) "Nookie" - Limp Bizkit

What's so disturbing is how sex-starved pinheads molested female counterparts at Woodstock to this "take this cookie and stick it up your..." nonsense.

I agree with John here - that makes...one?

38) "One Of Us" - Joan Osborne

Banal NYC singer with warbly, rainy day song about the Lord's myopic vision.

Joan who?

39) "Two Princes" - Spin Doctors

Due most likely to overexposure, Chris Uhl proclaims, "If you wanna see me vomit, play this song NOW."

Overplayed but tolerable...

40) "Take It To The Limit" - Eagles

These humorless snobs would rather save the environment than admit their disdain for their wrinkling audience.  As if the Earth wouldn't shake the human race off like a flea if it did enough damage.

Eagles strike-out again!

41) "Close You Eyes" - Ozzy Osbourne & Lita Ford

Metal king meets "Kiss Me Deadly" squealer for a sellout worse than Suzi Quattro's "Stumblin' In."

I don't know this one either....

42) "Stay" - Lisa Loeb

Bespectacled nerd died a thousand deaths when belated, inflated debut surfaced.

Or this one - what's going on here!?

43) "Can't Fight This Feeling" - REO Speedwagon

Moribund arena rockers with mediocre power ballad for hairless vaginas.

This was a great "makeout" song back in the day.  Do kids still "makeout" these days?

44) "Turn Me Loose" - Loverboy

Anthemic "Working for the weekend" blew doors open for North of the Border sissies, convinced tinfoil is actually metal.

I'm reliving my teens here! The '80s were great!

45) "What's Going On" - Four Non-Blondes

Bald sociopolitical neo-folk ain't their schtick.

You tell me!

46) "Fly Away" - Lenny Kravitz

Eclectic brother has ripped off more Hendrix/Beatles/Earth Wind and Fire ideas than a truckload of skinny white kids.

Lenny, Lenny - what a shame.

48) "She's A Beauty" - Tubes

Avant-rockers go soft then stale on commercial '80s move.

This takes me back a few years!

49) "We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions" - Queen

Bubblegum-schlock jock anthem unfairly given "Rock & Roll Part 2" rotation at football stadiums.

Freddy must be turning over!

50) "Talking In Your Sleep" - Romantics

After vibrant, Beatle-esque "What I Like About You," Romantics dabbled in innocuous dribble.

True, it's not as great as "What I Like About You" that's so popular at weddings, but certainly it has no place here!

Well folks, that's all there is.  (Hasn't he done enough damage? This clown would probably die laughing at some of the "hits" lurking in my collection of 350+ 45s, but I liked them then, and I like them now - mostly! ) 

If you'd like to add anything to this page, shoot me an email and I'll post your thoughts. Until then, welcome to "the lowest common denominator" club!

Comments from readers:

The lunatics are in my head: A lot of this I agree on especially "We will rock you" and "Nookie." You make a great point on "Stairway," being a Zep fan I also think it is waaay overplayed and not entirely as good as everyone says. I'm surprised Angie by the Rolling Stones Isn't on here, one of the many bad songs by them.

Mark Becirevic (Australia) : ok maybe u should have done top "500" worst songs ever, there are just somany...what about alice in chains "rooster"? or queens of the stone age "no one knows"? or anything by ween, silverchairs "tomorrow" or aquas "barbie  girl"...even wheatus' "teenage dirtbag".....surely they are worse than something listenable like bush's "comedown".....if there is anything by bush that should be here it should be "bomb" or anything off "the science of things" 

Vadim Kotliarenko: most of the songs your right about but kryptonite is the greatest song ever!!!!!

Kevin Cramsey:  Add "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin," if you do extended list. Sounds like its being played a few speeds too slow; and how about Bobby Hatfield's embarrassingly girlie exclamations in the build-up?  Pathetic.

Edward Lally:  Edward had so much to say I've created a separate link for him.  His comments are those in red.  Take a look.

Any comments you'd like to make?