| BONDING WITH YOUR ADOPTED BABY 1. Spend as much time as you can with your child. The adoptive parents should be the baby's primary caregivers. Limit the number of visitors as well as caregivers, especially when you first bring your baby home. 2. Realize that some babies may be developmentally delayed. 3. Eye contact between Parent and Baby increases feelings of care, pride, wonder and love. When a parent looks at an infant attentively for comfortable periods of time, the baby will respond by returning that look. Feeding the baby is a good time for face-to-face interaction. 4. Touching will suggest warmth, affection and gentleness to the baby. "The adopted baby cannot be held too much." 5. Talking and vocalizing increase communication between you and Baby. Talking, cooing and singing not only increase the communication, but also help the child's language skills develop. (Especially if they are encountering a new language) 6. Become familiar with the child's foster caregiver. If the child was in a foster home prior to adoption, find out all the information you can from that person about the baby's habits. 7. Consider breastfeeding your adopted baby. Although it may be complicated to initiate, especially if you're not sure when the adopted baby will be placed in your care � it can be done. Numerous studies have proven that both nutritional and bonding benefits abound for breastfed babies. 8. Surround your baby with familiar objects. If possible, familiar sheets, toys, bottles and foods (scents as well) should be brought home with the baby to try to replicate his former environment. 9. Remember that dads are important, too! [T]ake a week off from work after [you] bring [him] home and make time for [your] adopted baby. 10. Realize that every issue is not an adoption issue. "Some of the baby's experiences may not be adoption issues," cautions Dr. Schneps. "For instance, a fussy baby can be colicky or have a food allergy. You need to look at the whole scope of the situation." "Adoption is lifelong," says licensed social worker Regina Kupecky of North Royalton, Ohio. "It doesn't end with getting the baby; it begins.� Click http://babiestoday.com/resources/articles/adoptionbond.htm to view the article in entirety. UNIVERSAL KEYS TO ATTACHMENT Universal Key #1 � Response When you respond promptly, you communicate to your child his priority over other things. Responding promptly develops your communication and trust. Universal Key #2 � Meeting Needs This is part of response. Children�s needs are not bound to a day or hour, and must be met. A need that is fully met �goes away; a need that is not met may change course a bit, but it does not go away.�(Dr. Sears). A need will not go away until it is fully met. Universal Key #3 � Time The more time you spend involved with one another the more attached you will be. The people with whom a child spends the greatest amount of time and energy will be the ones to whom he is most attached. Universal Key #4 � Bible Read through the Bible with a specific interest in how God portrays parenting and family interactions. Not only are his commands about family-life important, but also how he likens himself unto a father or mother. This will give you a clear model for what your child needs from you. Universal Key #5 � Honeymoon Consider the first week (minimum, perhaps a month) at home with your child to be a honeymoon. Minimize responsibilities aside from those of your spouse and child(ren). This is a sweet, tender time to learn about each other. This time gives you all a head start in the life-long bonding and attaching process. ATTACHMENT WITH AN OLDER CHILD 1. Do life together Especially with older children it is difficult to just sit down and have important discussions. It is easier to talk and to listen when things flow naturally during periods of cooperation. Discussion happens more naturally when the focus is not on discussing. There is nothing that bonds people together quite like working toward a common goal. 2. Don�t forget nighttime or sleeptime interactions Some children that are too wary or active to allow or appreciate touching during the day may be more open to snuggles while they are falling asleep or resting. Children still have needs during periods of sleep or rest. These should be treated as equal to their waking needs. Some children find it easier to connect in the nighttime. Be equally aware, if the child has been abused, of fears that may be associated with sleeptime contact and respond appropriately. 3. Set clear expectations Knowing what is expected of them helps children (young and old) feel safe and secure. Routines are especially helpful in creating good habits and in minimizing the need for lots of rules. Keep it simple. If you are not willing to enforce it consistently, then it shouldn�t be a �rule.� Only say �no� if you mean it and say �yes� as often as you can. Keep in mind that for a variety of possible reasons your child may not be at the same age emotionally, socially, and developmentally as he is chronologically. Limit choices so as to simplify your life and avoid confusion for them. 4. Create family �traditions� These can be as simple as having pizza one night a month while playing a board game, or as elaborate as celebrating Preparation Day and Sabbath each week. 5. Respect all questions and conversations If a question is important enough for your child to spend time wondering and to ask you about, it is important enough to answer. Keep answers to an age appropriate level and to the question that was asked. Don�t be afraid to answer, even if the answer is �I don�t know.� If you don�t know, you can search out the answer together. Remember that many things which are deeply emotional and involved to you, will be just a curiosity to them. Realize that some questions may be rhetorical, emotional wonderings that do not require your answer. 6. Delegate responsibilities Few things build trust in a child like the knowledge that YOU trust THEM. Begin with small things and, as they prove themselves, grant them more responsibilities up to whatever they can handle. If you give them slightly more responsibility than they can handle while showing them with your words, actions and attitude that you believe in them, they will rise to it. If they are unskilled or unpracticed in work and responsibility, then lower the bar to whatever they can do successfully and slowly raise it as they become more capable. Your attitude is key. 7. Engage his input Where appropriate ask the child to input his suggestions or thoughts. When you are working together and he has an idea for improving the plan, go for it, even when it is doomed to failure. You will earn trust by trusting and respect by respecting. 8. Allow failures Allow your older child the room to try and fail. When he sees that the chance to try again follows his failure, he will feel secure. 9. Be real and lead by example Be honest, open, and consistent. Whether you are in church or at home or in the grocery store, you must be the same. The older child is perceptive and intuitive and will know if you are just putting on a show. They will trust you when they see that truth and consistency are who you are. Invest in making sure your marriage is good, fun, and joyfilled. Only expect your child to be as good a person as you are. 10. Consider homeschooling Homeschooling provides several of the aforementioned helps automatically. You can spend the majority of your time working together during the best, most alert parts of your child�s day. You can minimize confusing outside influences and stresses. Even homeschooling temporarily during their first semester or year with you can greatly enhance your mutual attachment. Especially if a child is coming from a different culture and/or belief system, the time spent homeschooling is a chance for them to acclimate and for you to help shape their new experiences and beliefs. 11. Praise him When your child has honestly done a good job, or you can see their valuable thought/heart processes, praise them. Praise them specifically and meaningfully. They will know if you are just heaping meaningless praise on them. Praise for their thoughts and actions should be different and NOT connected to your expression of love for them as your child. You can do this specifically by expressing your love in a situation in which you are not praising their actions. 12. Learn his love language Children and teens have different ways in which they understand and express love. Be open to learning their style and loving them in the way that they best understand. 13. Touch Older children need physical affection as much as babies. Depending on the age of the child and prior experiences, brushing hair, holding hands, wrestling, foot or shoulder rubs, bathing, hands-on teaching (piano, baseball, painting, etc.) sitting with sides touching, hugs, pats on the back, even doctoring injuries (scraped knees, bug bites, etc.) may be appropriate and acceptable to your child. 14. Not every issue is an adoption issue This is true of the older child as well as babies. There are many stages of growth through which children must pass and many needs that must be met in each one. If you have never parented before, it may be hard to distinguish one from another. Try to find a family whose children (biological or adopted) are older than yours or grown and ask them for input. It is best if this family raised their children in a similar manner to the way in which you choose to parent. Some �problems� or �phases� that we see often in America are not really normal, healthy parts of growing up and this can make the evaluation even more difficult. Many problems will be eliminated or minimized by proper attachment with your child. A handout compiled from various articles at http://nogreaterjoy.org EXCERPTS ON ATTACHMENT FROM VARIOUS SOURCES Adoptive parents don't have the opportunity to bond with their child in the same way that biological parents do. The attachment starts once you meet your child and the relationship actually begins. The distinction is important because in adoption there is no pre-bond--an important step in parenting. "You might bond with a photograph of an unknown child, but once you meet the child, says Durbin, "That's when the attachment begins." So, what most people are talking about when they refer to bonding with their adopted child is really developing an attachment with their son or daughter. Because attachment is about building a relationship, you will find that attachment is truly an ongoing process that grows and changes over time. "There is a whole spectrum of behaviors you'll see in newly adopted children as they begin forming attachments to their new parents," explains Durbin. At first, parents may see what's often call the "honeymoon phase," where the child is on her best behavior, following all the "rules" and making little or no fuss about anything. This phase eventually ends. Once the honeymoon phase passes, parents can expect a newly adopted child to test the limits of the relationship. The bottom line? The child--regardless of his or her age--wants to find out if the parents are really, truly going to hang in there no matter what. What signs can you look for that may represent steps toward forming a healthy attachment? Children of all ages who make good eye contact, who want to be nurtured with touch, hugs, cuddling -- these are signals that the relationship is evolving in a positive way. "I would begin to worry after about six to 12 months if your child hasn't started to show some attachment behavior in terms of coming to you, allowing you to care for them, the anger or tantrums have lessened, and they aren't trying to be controlling," says Durbin. Click http://www.rainbowkids.com/2004/04/attachment/attachment_bonding.chtml to view the article in entirety. Your children must be conscious that you really want them to have great experiences. When they see you putting emotional energy into them, they will respond with cooperation and openness. They will be moved by your willingness to invest yourself in their lives. Think of yourself as raising up a manager for your own company�someone to take your place when you are absent, and to assume your position when you are gone and no longer part of the equation. Working together toward common goals eliminates that adversarial relationship that poisons most families and sabotages every effort. Sudden changes of heart with big efforts will not impress them. A lot of small gestures add up to big trust. You will create a climate of trust by never hurting�but always caring. Children are not happy if they are not given increasing responsibility. We humans are by nature always in need of reaching higher, stretching just beyond our reach. And we are not happy unless we�re regularly doing so. Give your teens all the responsibility they can handle, and then step back and let them try. Define the parameters in which they are allowed to operate, and then set them free to experiment, including failing (without fear of punishment). Trust is a powerful incentive. Create an atmosphere that allows a child who makes a mistake to admit to it and take responsibility without recrimination. He can then use his energies to improve his performance rather than falling into the self-defeating trap of excuse-making. Click http://nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=86&tx_ttnews[tt_news]=223 to view the article in entirety. �Letting the baby cry undermines a mother�s confidence and intuition�not responding to a baby�s cries goes against most mothers� intuitive responses. If a mother consistently goes against what she feels, she begins to desensitize herself to the signal value of her baby�s cries. The less intuitively a mother responds, the less confidence she has in the appropriateness of her responses. The less confidence she has, the less likely that her responses are appropriate, and the less she enjoys mothering. A mother who restrains herself from responding to her baby gradually and unknowingly becomes insensitive. The attachment style of parenting, especially where it involves promptly responding to a baby�s crying is tailor-made for those mothers who are a bit shaky about their own intuition. Your crying baby will help you develop your responding instinct if you allow yourself to listen to your baby. On the other hand, parenting with restrained responses hinders the development of your mothering intuition.� from Nighttime Parenting by William Sears, M.D. Oxytocin is a chemical messenger released in the brain chiefly in response to social contact, but its release is especially pronounced with skin-to-skin contact. In addition to providing health benefits, this hormone-like substance promotes bonding patterns and creates desire for further contact with the individuals inciting its release. Beyond birth, mother continues to produce elevated levels of oxytocin as a consequence of nursing and holding her infant, and the levels are based on the amount of such contact. This hormonal condition provides a sense of calm and well being. Oxytocin levels are higher in mothers who exclusively breastfeed than in those who use supplementary bottles. Under the early influence of oxytocin, nerve junctions in certain areas of mother's brain actually undergo reorganization, thereby making her maternal behaviors "hard-wired." Prolonged high oxytocin in mother, father, or baby also promotes lower blood pressure and reduced heart rate as well as certain kinds of artery repair, actually reducing lifelong risk of heart disease. Although baby makes her own oxytocin in response to nursing, mother also transfers it to the infant in her milk. This provision serves to promote continuous relaxation and closeness for both mother and baby. A more variable release of oxytocin is seen in bottle-fed infants, but is definitely higher in an infant who is "bottle-nursed" in the parents' arms rather than with a propped bottle. Multiple psychology studies have demonstrated that, depending on the practices of the parents, the resulting high or low level of oxytocin will control the permanent organization of the stress-handling portion of the baby's brain promoting lasting "securely attached" or "insecure" characteristics in the adolescent and adult. When the father spends significant amounts of time in contact with his infant, oxytocin encourages him to become more involved in the ongoing care in a self-perpetuating cycle. Click http://www.attachmentparenting.org/artchemistry.shtml to view the article in entirety. SUBTLE SIGNS OF ATTACHMENT ISSUES 1. Sensitivity to rejection and to disruptions in the normally attuned connection between mother and child. 2. Avoiding comfort when the child�s feelings are hurt, although the child will turn to the parent for comfort when physically hurt. 3. Difficulty discussing angry feelings or hurt feelings. 4. Over valuing looks, appearances, and clothes. 5. Sleep disturbances. Not wanting to sleep alone. 6. Precocious independence. A level of independence that is more frequently seen in slightly older children. 7. Reticence and anxiety about changes. 8. Picking a scabs and sores. http://rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=329 READING AND RESOURCES Ideas for Bonding http://adoption.about.com/od/parenting/tp/fiveminutebond.htm The Blending and Bonding of Adoptive Families www.whfc.org/resources/Blending.htm Breastfeeding After Adoption, You Can http://babiestoday.com/resources/articles/adoptbfing.htm www.breastfeedingvideo.com � videos demonstrating proper technique from 360 degree view, benefits/reasons of breastfeeding in numerous situations including adoption, older babies, and special needs babies. (See also Specific Concerns of Breastfeeding for more information--ed.) Parenting the Adopted Adolescent www.focusas.com/Adopted.html No Greater Joy - Rodless Training http://nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=86&tx_ttnews[tt_news]=80 No Greater Joy, Jumping Ship � Bonding and Staying Attached to Your Teen www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=63&tx_ttnews[pointer]=1&tx_ttnews[tt_news]=213&tx_ttnews [backPid]=37&cHash=2da5c30120 (This is the first of a series of 5 articles on the topic. At the bottom of each article you will find links to the others in the series. Read them all again and again--ed.) Bonding Through Touch, Healthy Touch www.thethreehearts.com/hearts/bonding-info.htm Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison Granju Babywearing by Maria Blois Breastfeeding the Adopted Baby by Debra Stewart Peterson Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl The Five Love Languages of Children and The Five Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman Nighttime Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep by William Sears, M.D. Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin by Ashley Montagu The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (seventh edition) by La Leche League Above Rubies Magazine by Nancy Campbell (by donation or free) www.aboverubies.org Above Rubies, PO Box 681687, Franklin TN 37068-1687 No Greater Joy Magazine by Michael Pearl (free by mail or to view online) www.nogreaterjoy.org No Greater Joy Ministries, Inc., 1000 Pearl Road, Pleasantville TN 37033 |
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| And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers. Malachi 4:6a |
| Excerpts from various sources on the issue of bonding and attachment with an adopted child. |