** Disclaimer:  “ER” is property of Warner Brothers Television, NBC, and all respective producers and cast.  I have written this story for fanfiction and nothing else.  I am not making a profit from this.  This is simply for fanfiction enjoyment. **

Spoilers: All the episodes up until “It’s All in Your Head”

 Rating: PG-13 for strong language

Summary: Susan’s, Rachel’s Elizabeth’s and Mark’s thoughts after “It’s All In Your Head.”  Each one of them are devastated by their own thoughts.  If they only knew what the other was thinking…

Acknowledgment:  I’d like to thank Lori (SixteenOzs)!  Her thoughts have sparked my own thoughts and ideas.  Thank you so much Lori!! J

If You Only Knew

Rachel’s Thoughts

I wish I could take back everything I’ve done.  I’m such an idiot!  Why did I take the Ecstasy?!  I’ve apologized to Dad thousands of times, but that is not going to change the past.  Ella could have died because of me.  I put my own baby sister’s life in danger.  I may have even caused her brain damage.  What did I do to deserve such a wonderful dad?  Anyone else would have kicked me out of the house, and I can’t say that I disagree.  But Dad knows that I didn’t mean for this to happen.  I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.  He’s hurting inside.  I know it.  I see it every time he stares out in space, just sitting in the living room all by himself.  I see it every time he pauses before he walks into his room.  He misses Elizabeth ... terribly.  And it’s all my fault!

 I wish there was something I could do to apologize to Elizabeth.  But there’s nothing I can do or say to make things any easier.  I didn’t mean for this to happen!  I didn’t mean for any of this to happen!  I can’t believe what a jerk I have been.  I should have listened to Dad to start with.  If I had known it would come down to this, I never would have even talked to Andrew.  There’s a mountain of crumpled up papers in my closet.  All of them are my trying to write an apology to Elizabeth .  I’ve stopped for now.  What do you say to someone when you’ve almost killed her daughter?

Dad doesn’t know this, but late at night, I cry.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t move.  I just keep reminding myself over and over, “All of this is my fault.”  I try to look cheerful when Dad is around.  Maybe some of that will rub off on him.  Of course, who am I kidding?  He’s noticed my red eyes a couple of times, but I just tell him I’m tired.  Yeah, some days are better than other, but every once in a while, I cry myself to sleep.

Chapter 1: Susan's Thoughts      Chapter 2: Rachel's Thoughts

Chapter 3: Elizabeth's Thoughts    Chapter 4: Mark's Thoughts