Indian Jokes
Convicts

Three convicts escaped from prison. One was a Madrasi, one a Gujarati, and one a Sardar. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn. The warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back,
"Just three gunnysacks."

The warden told him to find out what was in them, so the assistant kicked the first sack, which had the Madrasi in it. He went, "Bow-wow", so the assistant told the warden there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it. He went, "Meow", so the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the Sardar in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the Sardar said, "Potatoes."

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Letter

Cousin Banta
Jallandhar

Dear Banta,

I'm writing this real slow 'cause I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you our new address 'cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.

Its only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time. I know its cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Ma said it would be too heavy to mail with them buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

My sister had a baby this morning. I haven't heard whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt. Uncle Balbir fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Cousin Santa
Ludhiana.

P.S : I was planning to enclose the money that I owe you with this envelope, but I had already sealed this by then.

Rules for making INDIAN Movies
  • If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will
    - die
    - join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
  • If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
  • Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.
  • The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
  • In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
  • When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
    - miss
    - run out of bullets.
  • When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule).
  • Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of
    - pots
    - barrels
    - glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
  • Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by
    - the brothers
    - their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in theclimax)
    - the family dog/cat.
    The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.
  • Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in three categories:
    - Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father
    - killed by the villain before the titles.
    - Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in rule), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
    - The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.
Sardar and Mileage

A sardar from Delhi had an old car which had run for over a 1,00,000 kilometres. He wanted to sell it, but was not getting a good price because of its excess mileage. He approached a Madrasi friend of his and asked for help.
The Madrasi gave him an address in Chennai (Madras) and asked him to visit a mechanic there. The mechanic would adjust the meter so that it shows only 30,000 kilometres. The sardar thanked him and left for Madras. For a few days, the Madrasi didn't see the sardar. He assumed that the sardar would have sold the car.

A few weeks later, the sardar came to see the Madrasi in the same car. The Madrasi was surprised and asked - "What happened? Why have you not sold your car yet?" The sardar replied - "Why should I? It has run for only 30,000 kilometres."

Hamara Rocket

NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine. However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem. Finally, there was an Indian scientist who offered to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Indian said. The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do. He replied -
"It is very simple. This is what we always do with our Bajaj scooters in India".

Punjab Police

Three police squads , The Scotland Yard police , The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force ward . The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission. He who captures an adult LIon and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best .

First Scotland yard goes into the forest and comes back in half an hour with a Lion all tied up . Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up lion . Lastly the sardar brigade goes in . 15 minutes , half an hour , one hour goes and no sign of our saradrjis .The judges give up and decide to search for them . They go into the forest . After some searching , they find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree. The sardarjis have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting , "Bol tu sher Hai ! Saala Bol ! tu Sher Hai !! " (Admit that you are a lion! You @#$%@! You are a lion)

And God Created India...

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining his subordinates ......
"Look everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer's there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.... And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance."

One of the angels asked... "God, what is this beautiful country here?"
God said "Aha...that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold....."

The angel was quite surprised "But God you said everything should be in balance." God replied "Look at the neighbours I gave them" !!

  
 
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