| I saw a tampon commercial today that really pissed me off! This silly, giggly girl comes up and says "Guys really try, but they just don't understand a girl's period." What? I don't understand? Don't understand?!! How dare you!! I understand the menstural cycle perfectly.. It's that one week of the month that some evil spirit invades my girlfriend's body and makes everyone around her feel like crap. It's that week when she has more mood swings than Adolf Hitler. It's that week when "Don't touch them, they hurt!!" It's that week when the dog goes down the street to stay with his "bitch". It's the week that I constantly hear, "Don't look at me, I'm hideous!" It was that week last year when the mailman mysteriously disappeared after putting too many bills in our mailbox. It's that week when I have to suddenly run out to the local 7-eleven and purchase one of those little pink boxes (with applicator),, and the sales clerk looks at me with this real pathetic look like, "Dude, I'm so sorry, would you like to just stay here, hang out and have a slurpee?" It's that week when I have to eat TV dinners because she can't cook, she's too tired from trying to kill herself with a pillow. It's that week, actually last week, when we had to eat rice all week because she's cnvinced she gained fifty-seven pounds overnight. No, I guess I don't understand periods. I guess I never will. At the end of the commercial, the girl comes back on and says that the guys think periods are just all about pain. Well hell, isn't it? I know I was in pain all last week. I suffered tremendously!! Copyright 2003 DavidWayne |
| David Wayne's Column (also) |
| I went through rehab once. I've heard a lot of people say that rehabs don't work, but I have to tell ya, it worked for me. Before I went in, I was never a "hugger", now I'll hug anybody, anywhere., anytime, and for any reason. Feeling depressed? HUG. Lonely? HUG Happy? HUG Horny? HUUUUUGGGGG!! |
| I've noticed lately that all of these Psychic 1-900 numbers are offering free minutes when you call. Fifteen, twenty, thirty, even up to sixty minutes... Free! Sixty minutes! Does it really takes these people a whole sixty minutes to tell you what a loser you are? |
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| When I was a little kid, my Mom would always say, "Stop making those faces!! One day your face is going to stick like that, and you'll be stuck with that silly face the rest of your life. How would you like that?" Can you imagine? That scared the hell out of me. What if that were really true and your face froze while you were having an intense orgasm? You'd be hideous! Your mouth would be gaping open, face all twisted to one side, teeth bared, and your hair would be sticking out in seventeen different directions. Can you imagine the faces we'd be walking around the office with after an intense night of sex? "Hey, look at Bill over by the water cooler. Water is dribbling right out of his mouth. Looks like he's in pain." "Yeah, didn't you hear? He had a date with 'Lisa' from accounting last night.." "Hey Bill, way to go buddy!! Good one!" "There's Sue, hey Sue, you finally had one, huh? You go girl! Congratulations." Copyright c 2003 DavidWayne |
| Well, I turned 32 last month. June 03. In dog years, that would be.....oh screw it. So I'm well into my thirties now, so what. Right? Doesn't mean anything. So what if twenty year old women don't find me attractive anymore. So what if I don't get carded when I buy beer now. So what if I started wearing black socks with sandals. So what if I went from taking maybe six pain killers a year, to taking six every hour. No big deal. Why aren't there any tall buildings in this town? Really tall buildings with access to the roof... Next year thirty-three, then before I know it, thirty-five. Thirty-five!!? I remember when I thought that thirty-five year olds were antiques. Wait, I still think that. .. Well, nothing I can do to change it. Where are my sandals? I have to go down to the mall and flirt with the eighteen year old girls at the GAP. |
| Once I was so late on my phone bill, they turned off my phone, and then turned of every pay phone on my block. For some reason, they also sent me a picture of Carrottop. And just the other day, I got a statement from my elecric company. They sent candles with it. I've just never been good at paying bills on time. Just plain 'ole irressponsibility. Some bills are due at the first of the month, some in the middle, and some I'm not even sure when they're due. Really, just like every other day the phone rings. "Got some money? Send it. Food stamps? lick a stamp. Canned Goods? Box them up! Got a kidney? Put it on ice!" Copyright c2003 DavidWayne |
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