| Some Assembly Required I haven't done all that well in life. I don't have a fancy sports car, or a really nice house. I don't wear expensive clothes, and I can't afford the good prostitutes. I've never been able to buy really good furniture. All of the furniture I now own, came from the store in boxes, with some assembly required. Some assembly my ass. It took me six days trying to put that damn entertainment center together. I rested on the seventh day, looked at it, and saw that it was not good. That thing never did get assembled.I finally just gave up, stacked all the boards on top of each other, and drove a few nails into them just to keep them together. Then I sat my TV on top of the that stack of boards, got myself a beer and watched COPS. I also bought a bookshelf at the same time I had bought the entertainment center. Couldn't get that shelf assembled either, so I threw all the boards into the fireplace, and then stored my books in the box the bookshelf came in. It all worked out fine. Plus, the box matches my curtains. Something else I bought a while back was one of those home fitness weight benches. Decided I was going to start working out at home. I really got all pumped up about it, I started lifting five pound bags of sugar to prepare myself. After doing that for three minutes, off to Wal-Mart to get the best weight bench they offered.Turns out, the best one they had was on sale, and get this, the barbell and weights came with it for FREE!! Wow! So now, I'm really pumped up, my adrenaline is pumping from lifting sugar, and then the cashier had the guts to ask me if I needed a stock-boy to help me load this stuff into my car. Help? I've been working out and preparing myself for this moment, I don't need any help from some sixteen year old kid wearing an apron. I get the equpment out to my car and got the box with the weight bench in the car just fine, no problem. Next came the box with the weights in it. So I bend over to pick up the box, couldn't budge it. You see, the problem is the manufacturer has chosen to put a hundred and ten pounds of concrete weights in a box that is approximately 12" x 12". It's really that small. So what did weight 110lbs. now weighs approximately two tons. I struggled with it for about fifteen minutes, and may have moved it three millimeters.This lady that was parked besides me, seeing what a hard problem I was having, offered her assisstance. I declined her offer because I was sure her cane would probably get in the way. After about four hours and three Gatorades, I finally got the whole contraption to my house. After breaking open the box in the middle of floor, I discovered that there were four hundred and sixty-eight pieces to this "home gym". 468!! I just want to get into shape, I'm not trying to launch a lunar probe! It was right at that moment that I realized they had spelled the word weight in weight bench the wrong way. It should have been spelled W-A-I-T bench, because that's exactly what it has been doing since I got it home. Waiting. Sometimes when I have a date over to the house, I'll scatter some of the weights around. "Yeah, been working out. You want to go to my bedroom? I don't really have a bed, just a mattress on the floor, but I have a chrome barbell and a cool lava lamp." Copyrightc DavidWayne2003 |
| David Wayne |
| Living in the South is just great. I love being from a small town. Everybody knows your name. You can walk through your local supermarket, "Hey Bill,...Linda,....Don,...Hey George......" Sometimes you don't even know the person really. But you know their name. Why? Because you see it in the local newspaper all the time. Our newspapers, starving for news worthy items to print, will print just about anything just to get your money. So every newspaper you pick up, has the jail docket from the night before. Lists everyone that was arrested the evening before. People will let you know too. "Hey Joe, seen your name in the paper this morning, another rough weekend, huh? Hey listen, you didn't by chance see a pair of brown slacks with a brown belt down there in the holding cell did you? Yeah, I misplaced my pants in there a couple of nights ago. Anyway, what is that, your eighth or ninth time to be named in the paper this month? You know, if they print it ten times, you can get a classified ad printed free! Our newpapers will put your name in there for anything. "Look honey, here's a picture of Mr. Greene, he grew a twelve pound cucumber! They even have a fold-out glossy photo of the thing. My God, its huge! Must be from all the fertilizer in the ground from all those hogs he has!" Another thing that takes up a ton of space in our papers are garage sales ads. Hundreds of them. Every weekend. Do we really have this much junk? You can get anything at one of these sales, anything from a used ice tray, to a rear axle for a '74 Ford truck. It's great going to these sales. If they want a buck twenty-five for an old couch, you're sure to walk out of there with it for fifteen cents. "Hey, that's fifteen cents we didn't have before! What does that make the total for today? Two dollars and thirteen cents? Well I'll put up with seven hours in the hot sun, mosquito bites and West Nile Virus any day for $2.13!" Copyright c2003DavidWayne |
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| (Mo' Crap...) |
