The Eyes Have It, Part Two
special thanks go to LunarJ
LAST TIME: Inuyasha had problems with his eyesight as a result of
being pepper-sprayed. He went to see the optometrist, who prescribed him
an oversized pair of eyeglasses. Unfortunately for him, but
fortunately for the sake of comedy, Inuyasha can't see a thing and must wear the
glasses for two days without removing them. To top it off, the
enigmatic Hayakage lurks outside of Kaede's village...
Miroku: What a bizarre thing to place on someone's face.
Sango: Yes. They make his eyes look so big.
Inuyasha: I can hear you, y'know! It's my sight that's messed
up, not my hearing!
Inuyasha is slumped in the corner of Kaede's house. Kagome, Shippo,
Miroku, Sango, Kirara and Kaede all stand around him.
Kagome: Inuyasha, calm down. You have to admit that you look
strange.
Inuyasha: How can I admit that?! I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING, YOU
IDIOT!
Kagome: Why you...
Shippo: Don't make him sit! You'll break his glasses!
Kagome: You're right.
Inuyasha: HA! I can't get punished, eh? Take THIS, Shippo!
Inuyasha swings his fist to hit Shippo in the head but he hits Kaede in
the stomach instead.
Kaede: OWW!!!
Inuyasha: Oops.
Miroku leaves the house, going outside to laugh. Sango follows after
him. Kaede clutches her abdomen while laying on the ground. Kagome
comforts her as best she can.
Inuyasha: I meant to hit Shippo...
Kaede: Once...ye take those...things off...I will...strike you
with a...furious vengeance...
Inuyasha: Ha! What are you going to do? Lecture me to
death?
Kaede: Aye.
Inuyasha: ...
Outside, Miroku stands with Sango under a tree. They are both
laughing. Miroku sees that Sango is in a good mood and decides to get
close...close in only a way that Miroku would. This results with a prompt slap
to Miroku's face.
Miroku: Sango, your slaps don't hurt as bad as they used to.
I'm growing on you, eh?
Sango (blushing): Uh--NO! Um, your face -- is getting
stronger!
Miroku: Then punch me as hard as you possibly can. Let's see
how strong it is.
Sango hesitates. Miroku grins and moves closer to her.
Miroku: Well?
Sango: I can't do it...
Miroku: You can't...or you won't?
Sango: I...I...
Miroku holds Sango's hand and she gazes into his eyes. At that moment,
a pair of shuriken head their way. Miroku grabs Sango and they both
fall to the ground, narrowly missing getting cut by the small blades.
Miroku: DAMN! I hate it when that "stop the couple right before
they kiss" clich� is used!
Sango: Shuriken? That means...
Hayakage flips onto the scene and stands before them. His dark outfit
matches the darkness of his heart. As usual, a mask conceals his face,
except for an area that allows his piercing eyes to peek through. His
short, spiky, raven hair sticks up towards the heavens above.
Hayakage: Monk...demon slayer...we meet again.
Miroku: Hayakage! What business do you have with us?
Hayakage looks at Sango and then looks at Miroku.
Hayakage: That old woman inside, she purchased several
eye-patches from me three weeks ago by using credit. I am usually faster when
it comes to collecting payment for credit, but I decided to cut her a
break. Well kiddies, break time is over and I want my money.
Sango: How much?
Hayakage: This much.
Hayakage hands Sango a bill. Sango's jaw drops. She shows it to
Miroku and his eyes bug out from his head.
Miroku: Wow. I'm afraid that we do not have that sort of money.
How can eye-patches cost so much anyway?
Hayakage: They were made of gold.
Sango smacks her forehead. Miroku blinks.
Hayakage: If you don't have the payment, I guess that I'll have
to kill everyone in this village.
Miroku: WHOA! Just kill Kaede! She's the one who needs to pay
you!
Sango: MIROKU!
Inuyasha comes outside being led by Kagome and Shippo. Hayakage sees
him and bursts out laughing.
Inuyasha: Huh? What's so funny?
Hayakage: HAHAHAHAHA! You! You look like an owl!
Shippo: That's what I said.
Inuyasha: SHUT UP, SHIPPO!
Inuyasha tries to bonk Shippo but he hits Kagome in the kneecap
instead.
Kagome: OUCH!
Hayakage: HAHAHAHA! Aw, what's the matter? The puppy dog can't
see? That's too bad...
Hayakage uses his overwhelming speed to leap forward and kick Inuyasha.
He rebounds and kicks Miroku and then he punches Kagome. Sango and
Shippo are the only ones left standing.
Shippo: Why didn't you hit us?
Hayakage: Oops.
He kicks Shippo in the chest.
Sango: Hey...why didn't you hit me?
Hayakage: I have my reasons.
Sango: Hmm...do you like me or something?
Hayakage: Don't be absurd. I have no need for a woman.
Sango: So you're gay?
Hayakage: NO!!! I just don't need a woman tying me down!
Miroku: I'd like for a woman to tie me down...I love that sort
of thing...
Sango: ...
Hayakage: Yeah...thank you for putting a visual in my head that
will haunt me until the day that I die.
Inuyasha stands up. He tries to tackle Hayakage, but he takes Sango
down instead. Hayakage laughs as they both stand up.
Inuyasha: Where is he? I'll punch his lights out!
Inuyasha swings and hits Kagome in the face. She falls to the ground.
Hayakage stands on a tree branch and watches as Inuyasha knocks down
every member of his team.
Hayakage (whispering): Pitiful yet entertaining.
Inuyasha draws Tetsusaiga.
Inuyasha: BASTARD!
WIND SCAR!
Group: NO!!!!
Inuyasha swipes his blade and the surging aura of power known as the
Wind Scar is released...and it destroys Kaede's house. Standing in a
pile of smoldering ruin is Kaede, slightly burned and holding a box full
of golden eye-patches.
Kaede: Ye are really going to get it, Inuyasha.
Hayakage: HAHAHAHA! Come on, man! You're killing me! I'm up
here in the tree. Why don't you use your sense of smell to find me?
Inuyasha: I can't! That damn pepper spray messed up my smell
too!
Miroku (lying on the ground): Inuyasha...one of the first rules
of combat is to NOT tell your enemy what weaknesses you have.
Inuyasha: FEH! I don't need smell! I'll beat him without
it!
Hayakage drops down from the tree and stands right in front of
Inuyasha's face. He waves his hand and Inuyasha doesn't notice. The ninja
takes this opportunity to punch Inuyasha in the face and break his
glasses.
Inuyasha: HEY!
Hayakage mercilessly punches Inuyasha in the face over and over again.
Inuyasha falls to one knee and covers his face.
Hayakage: Look at the little puppy dog, cowering and whimpering
for his mother. I'm a salesman, but I'll gladly give you a one-way
ticket to the next world for free...
The ninja draws a katana and swipes down toward Inuyasha.
Surprisingly, Inuyasha catches it in his hand.
Inuyasha: Heh! You shouldn't have punched me so hard. Not only
is my vision back, but I can see too!
Hayakage: Um...isn't that the same thing?
Inuyasha: D'oh! Whatever!
Inuyasha breaks the katana and punches at Hayakage. The ninja dodges
it and pulls out another katana. This one is larger and has a green
tint to it.
Hayakage: You have the Tetsusaiga. I have this...the Midoriken.
I keep the best merchandise for myself. Now......DIE!!
Hayakage's blade tears through the air and emits a powerful ray of
green light. Inuyasha smirks and counters with Tetsusaiga.
Inuyasha: BACKLASH WAVE!!
The energy is repelled back towards its creator. Hayakage leaps out of
the way and snatches the golden eye-patches from Kaede. He then bolts
for the forest. He speaks as he runs away.
Hayakage: I'll just take these back then. You just got lucky,
Inuyasha. Pray to whatever god that you serve that we do not cross
paths again soon. Sayonara, Sango.
He is gone.
Inuyasha: FEH! Hey Sango, what's his deal with you?
Sango: I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with when I
grabbed him in the courtroom.
Inuyasha: I doubt it. At least he's gone for now.
Kaede: That thief. One of those golden eye-patches was free and
he knows it.
Miroku: Never mind that. You can see again, Inuyasha?
Inuyasha: Yep and smell too. No more glasses for me!
Shippo: Oh really? Kagome...
Kagome: INUYASHA! SIT BOY!
Inuyasha collides with the dirt beneath him.
Kagome: SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT!
SIT!!!
Inuyasha is barely conscious, laying in a two-meter deep crater.
Kagome tightens her fists and storms off. Miroku and Sango walk away
together. Kaede stands over the hole and begins her long lecture to
Inuyasha, a lecture that will last until sundown. Since the time is currently
about noon, you can say that will be a very long time.
THE END
NEXT TIME: What happens when a few popular anime heroes, including
Inuyasha, are dragged onto television to deal with their problems? An
infamous American talk show host makes his return to Japan in grand
style to help these heroes and get higher ratings in the process! Next
time..."Inuyasha, Naruto and Goku Appear on the Jerry Springer
Show!"