Preparing for Matrimony

by Dr. J.Miller, M.D.

In his introduction to this book, Dr. Miller writes: "The past decade has seen a welcome increase in the number of books about marriage. Many of these treat with high competence and considerable depth one or another particular aspect of this many-sided subject. But the need of the person who is about to be married is often for a synthesis of the various aspects of knowledge, in brief and simple form, with an emphasis on the positive idea, rather than on the pitfalls and failures."

This book was written to fill this need. Dr. M. offers a wealth of practical information concerning the nature and purpose of marriage, love and its physical expression in sex, understanding your marriage partner, budgeting, courtship, and marriage as a vocation.

This book is the fruit of a practicing physician's long experience in dealing with the problems of married people. It is a human book—frank, down-to-earth, dealing with the real problems of real people in a sensible way.

Preparing for Matrimony is an inspiring book –not in the way that a sermon is inspiring, but in the way that a candid conversation with a dedicated and experienced doctor can inspire sincere Christians to prepare themselves carefully for the joys and demands of marriage.

 

Contents
The Nature of Marriage
The Purpose of Marriage
Love
Anatomy and Physiology
Physical Aspect of Sex
Contraception
Understanding One Another
Budgeting
Courtship

The Nature of Marriage

In order to prepare properly for marriage, it is essential for us first to know what marriage is. It might be expected that everyone knows what marriage is; yet if a number of people are asked what is the essence of marriage, it is surprising how different are the answers. Hence we must ensure from the outset that we have a clear understanding of the real nature of marriage.

Marriage is a contract. A contract is an agreement between two or more persons about something. The people who make the agreement are called the parties, and what they agree about is referred to as the subject matter of the contract. Thus, when a house is bought and sold, a contract is first drawn up. The person who is buying the house, and the person who is selling, are the parties to the contract; and the exchange of the house from one to the other for a certain price is the subject matter of the contract.

Marriage is a contract in exactly the same way. This is recognized even by our everyday speech, for we speak of a person "contracting" a marriage, rather than of his making a marriage. We also talk about the "parties" to the marriage, recognizing the fact that it is indeed a contract. The parties to this contract are the people who are getting married. This point may seem obvious, and may not require stress in our day and society. But when marriages are arranged by the families of the couple, rather than by the couple themselves, it may be a point of great importance. The couple must agree to the choice of one another, for it is they, and they alone, who can make the contract. Arranged marriages are not the custom in our society.

It is on the question of the subject matter of the contract of matrimony that people are often less well informed. The subject matter is the right to sexual intercourse one with another. It is not the agreement to live together; it is not the agreement of the husband to provide for his wife; it is not the agreement of the wife to make and run a home for them both; it is simply the agreement to give themselves to one another for the purpose of sexual intercourse. It is this which makes the marriage relationship unique. Many of the aspects of marriage can be found in other kinds of relations, but this contractual agreement about intercourse is peculiar to marriage, and is the essence of the contract.

This statement may seem a little surprising to those who perhaps have not thought very deeply about what is involved in marriage. They were probably well aware that the sexual relation is a part of marriage, but rather regarded it as but one of the many aspects of marriage. It is not, of course, suggested that the sexual relation is all that is involved in marriage. This full and unique human partnership has many aspects, and makes demands upon every facet of the human person. But commendable interest in, and development of, the other aspects of marriage should not obscure the essential facts about the nature of the contract that has been undertaken. A desire to deepen and strengthen the spiritual or psychological bonds of marriage is of no avail, if it is accompanied by a forgetfulness, or even denial, of the true nature of the contract.

The nature of the matrimonial contract is made clear by the situation arising when a person who is incurably incapable of the act of intercourse wishes to marry. Such a person is unable to make a valid marriage, and even if he or she should go through the legally prescribed form of marriage, that person is not married. This is because a person cannot exchange rights to an act of which he is incapable. If he is unable to have intercourse, he cannot give himself to his partner for this purpose. Both the ecclesiastical and civil courts recognize this fact, and declare an apparent marriage of this type null and void –that is to say, they formally declare that there has never been a marriage.

What has so far been said applies to marriage anywhere, at any time. It applies to Christians and non-Christians alike, for marriage is not a peculiarly Christian institution. Marriage existed long before the Christian era, and exists today among many who do not subscribe to Christianity, or have not even heard of it. The essential nature of the contract of marriage is the same for Christians and non-Christians. Why then do Catholics speak of Christian marriage? Is there any difference between a marriage between two Christians and one between two non-Christians?

Christ made marriage into a sacrament, that is, he made it one of the means by which the grace of God is conveyed to mankind. But in so doing he did nothing to alter the essential nature of marriage. He took marriage as it already existed, and made it a means of grace in the sacramental sense. In effect, he said that those who undertake this contract will open up to themselves a new channel of grace. Sacraments have two parts; there is an outward sign for all to see, that the sacrament is being conferred; and inward grace, which is conveyed to the soul. In the case of baptism, for example, the outward sign is the pouring of water on the head of the person being baptized, while the words "I baptize thee..." are being said. In the case of matrimony, the outward sign is the mutual exchange of the rights to sexual intercourse between the man and the woman. This truth was stated in the earliest days of the Christian Church by St. Paul when he said, "Let every man give his wife what is her due, and every woman do the same by her husband; he, not she, claims the right over her body, as she, not he claims the right over his." (1 Cor. 7: 3-4).

The exchange of the rights to sexual intercourse is, therefore, the outward sign of the sacrament of matrimony, and as there can be no sacrament without the outward sign being present, there is no sacrament, and no marriage, unless these rights are exchanged. If, therefore, as has already been pointed out, one or other of the partners is incurably incapable of the act of intercourse, he or she cannot contract a valid marriage and cannot receive the sacrament. Likewise, if the partners are capable of the act of intercourse, but withhold or restrict the exchange of rights in some way at the time of marriage, then the marriage is not valid. There must be the free and full exchange of these rights, in order to make valid contract, and without a valid contract, there is no marriage and no sacrament.

The other part of the sacrament is inward grace. Each sacrament gives general sanctifying grace, which is but the life of God within the person. It also gives actual grace, which is the grace proper to that sacrament. This grace is bestowed to help the persons exercising the function of the sacrament. An example may make this more clear. When a priest offers Mass, or hears confession, or preaches a sermon, he has the grace of holy orders to help him to do the job for which he was ordained. Likewise, when a husband kisses his wife, or when she caresses him, or when they are united in intercourse, they have the grace of matrimony to help them in the fulfillment of the special task of the sacrament. This may startle somewhat those accustomed to think of the physical and spiritual aspects of marriage as quite separate. Yet as far back as the 13^th century, St. Thomas Aquinas wrote: "If one is led to perform the marriage act, either by the virtue of justice, in order to render the debt, or by the virtue of religion, that children may be procreated for the worship of God, the act is meritorious." Hence we see that not only is there nothing shameful in the proper use of sex, but it is in fact a means of grace. Many may wish to deepen their spiritual life, and yet do not realize that in their marriage, and in the exercise of its sexual aspects, they have a means of grace, which is denied to all but those called to the vocation of marriage.

There is, therefore, no separation between the physical and spiritual aspects of marriage. Without the capability for the physical act, a person cannot even receive the sacrament; and the exercise of the physical act is a means whereby the grace of the sacrament is conveyed to the person. With this clear understanding of the real nature of marriage, we can proceed to look at its purpose, and discover how it can help people to achieve their own complete fulfillment.

The Purpose of Marriage

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