Not only may there be a difference between the reason why a person marries and the primary purpose of the married state—there may also be a difference between the reason he has in fact, and the reason he ought to have. Several surveys have been carried out to discover why people marry.

An objection is sometimes raised that marriages made for love seem to fare no better than those made for other motives. Love, it is true, is no absolute guarantee of success, but it goes a long way towards ensuring it. The apparent lack of success is due to the fact that much that is called love is not love at all. Hence we must ensure that we know what love really is. And this is a most difficult task. Why difficult? Because there is probably no other word about which there is so much confusion and misunderstanding, or which is used in so many different ways.

Love is essentially a part of the virtue of charity, which St. Paul tells us is the greatest of the Christian virtues. "meanwhile, faith, hope and charity persist, all three; but the greatest of them all is charity." (1 Cor. 13, 13). And what is the essential feature of this virtue? To love is to give; love involves service; it is the offering of oneself for the service of another. Our Lord said, "This is the greatest love a man can show, that he should lay down his life for his friends." (John 15, 13). In other words, the greatest love is shown when a person gives his greatest possession—namely, life itself.

But love is shown not only by the supreme sacrifice, but also by the giving of oneself to the service of another: to cease to work for oneself, and henceforward to work for the good of the person loved. Christ said, "If you have any love for me, you must keep the commandments I give you." (John 14, 15). By serving him, and doing what he wants, we show our love for him. So with love for human beings, we show our love by seeking their good and not our own, by giving ourselves for their needs and service. In the words of Canon Leclerc, "To love is to give oneself; it is to find one’s happiness in bringing happiness to someone else; true love is to forget oneself." Or again, in the words of Jean Guitton, the fruit of his long contemplation while suffering in a concentration camp, "Neither fervour nor ardour is love, that joy, serene and effective, which devotes itself to service, that interflow between persons."

Giving is the keynote of love. Not giving in the often accepted sense of parting with something we do not want, something that we can well afford to be without, and that we shall not miss. But the giving of oneself, one’s energies, hopes, ambitions, and service to another, without thought of return. This is true love, a part of the virtue of Christian charity. Love of this kind is one with all other forms of Christian charity. It is the same love that man has for God, parents for children, children for parents, brother for sister, and husband for wife. Each is seeking to serve the other, to give him or herself in the service of the other.

But, it may be objected, surely married love is different. It cannot be like the love between these other categories of people, for does not sex come into married love? Indeed it does, but as a consequence of, and not in place of love. And here we have a most crucial point, which can best be illustrated by example.

The mother loves her child, and because of this love, endeavors to fulfill to the utmost the obligations she owes the child as a result of having brought it into the world. Thus she feeds and clothes, it, washes and tends it, protects it from harm, teaches it to talk and walk, and does all the things necessary for its physical, psychological and spiritual development and well-being. In other words, she does all the things appropriate to the relationship of a mother to her child, because she loves that child. Likewise, the child who loves its parents obeys and respects them, cares for them when they are sick , provides for them in case of necessity, and comforts them in their old age. Again it is love that makes the son or daughter render to the parents the service which is appropriate to their relationship.

So it is with married love. The husband loves his wife, and so he gives to her that service which is appropriate to the marriage relationship. He secures a home for them both, and works to provide the necessities and reasonable luxuries of life for them. He cherishes his wife and shows her affection, and endeavors to give to her in sexual intercourse the pleasure and satisfaction that is her due. Likewise, the wife who truly loves her husband, works to turn the house into a home, bears their children, and gives to him in intercourse all the happiness and satisfaction she can. Their sexual relationship is an expression of their love, not a substitute for it. And God has made this expression easy for man and woman by implanting in them both an attraction one for the other. There is, therefore, no basic difference between the love which should exist between these different groups of people, parents, children, husbands, wives. Common to them all is the idea of giving, of rendering service. And the service given is whatever is appropriate to the nature of their relationship, which in the case of the married, includes among other things, a sexual relationship one with another.

Those who contemplate marriage need not have the feeling that there is some kind of tension between true love and sexual love. Sexual love is really an expression of true love. And this expression is normally incumbent upon them, because the right to it is what each has given to the spouse in the marriage contract. Moreover, God has made it a means of grace. They should not be dismayed by the depressing and somewhat cynical talk of some people who regard the love of the newly married as a "phase that will pass," an "infatuation," or as "something they will grow out of." If real love exists between them, it will find expression throughout their married life, in the giving of whatever each sees to be the need of the other. If their nature and temperament is such that the sexual expression of love comes readily to them, age or familiarity will not dim its luster, or take away from the pleasure of its usage.

This appreciation of the true relation between love and sex makes it easy to see why so much of what is called love nowadays, is not love at all. This is not because sex appears to loom large in it, but because it seeks not to give, but to receive all the while. One has only to listen to the current love songs to see how true this is. The lover talks about his feelings, his needs, how much he misses her, what she does to him. "Thrill me, honey, honey, thrill me," does not take much account of how "honey" is getting along. Similarly in everyday life. Reactions of jealousy appear if the other partner so much as speaks to someone else, resentment creeps in if time is given to study, to working overtime, or to lending a hand at home. Rows and tiffs over silly things, such as where they go for the evening, or whether she has her hair done a different way, are all indications that each is trying to impose his or her will on the other, rather than each trying to give service to the other.

And, of course, this selfishness is seen at its worst in those who would have their partner give them the rights of marriage before marriage. Such demands are often alleged to be motivated by a love that will not be denied, but it is quite obvious that this is not so. The man making the demand is not seeking to give happiness and pleasure to his partner; he is seeking to satisfy his own desires, regardless of the consequences his act may have on the girl he is supposed to love. His desire to serve his partner is clearly not great, when he would endanger her soul and expose her to many dangers and difficulties. How often does such a person say, "If you really loved me, you would," whereas the truth is that if he really loved her, he would not.

The Christian view of love is one that is fine and noble. It is not, as many of the enemies of Christianity would have us believe, an inhibited, puritanical thing, devoid of physical pleasure and joy. It is not a narrow, and joyless experience. It has its foundation in the spirit, in the spirit of giving, the spirit of sacrifice, the spirit that seeks the good of others. But this spirit is manifested in married people in the sexual relationship, in which they give themselves one to another in a way that is unique. It is a giving that is full and without reserve, because it seeks no transient satisfaction for self, but aims only to give happiness to the person loved. In so loving, Christians are not "missing experience." Indeed they are experiencing something that their critics are entirely unable to appreciate. For theirs is no transient experience, marred all the while by the subconscious fear that it may not last; always feverishly seeking some new diversion in case it may pall. The Christian knows that love and marriage are for ever, and that in giving love, rather than seeking it, giving satisfaction rather than securing it for himself, he has the greatest assurance that love and its sexual expression will continue to be a deep and satisfying experience for them both.

The love between Christians who are married is not only manifest in their sexual relationship, but extends throughout the whole of their life together. What better description is there of the love that a husband and wife should have for each other than St. Paul’s eulogy of charity (1 cor. 13, 4-7)?

People who truly love are patient; always making allowances for the shortcomings of the other; realizing only too well that they themselves are not without faults.

They are kind, for kindness, more than anything, fosters love in marriage. In a survey made among teenagers, time and time again the girls mentioned kindness as a quality they would look for in their prospective husband.

They have no envy: neither the wife, of the husband’s freedom from the ties of house and children, nor the husband, of her freedom from the factory whistle or time clock.

They are never perverse, arguing for the sake of arguing, being difficult because they happen to feel out of sorts; she complaining that he never takes her out, and when he offers to, refusing because she has no time, or cannot organize a baby sitter.

They are not proud; he feeling he is more intelligent, or that she is too stupid to understand his work, or politics, or whatever happens to be his interest; or she despising him when he shows weakness or inadequacy—for all men have their feet of clay.

They are not insolent; he being rude about her cooking, her appearance or her management of the home, nor she about his family, or his failure to secure promotion at work.

They do not claim their rights: he is in marriage, not for what he can get out of it, but for what he can put into it; she is not contaminated by the heresy that the modern woman only puts the minimum into marriage and the home, and seeks her true expression in the world outside the home. Sex is not for them a matter of rights and duties, but stems from love, each seeking to give, not to receive.

They are not provoked; even when he is tried hard by her feminine inconsistencies, or she by his lack of consideration, or the erring ways of the children.

They do not brood over injuries -.-and how important this is, for husbands and wives being human, it is rare that at some time they do not injure one another; but how quickly this can be healed, when true love prevails.

They take no pleasure in wrong doing. He does not take a drink too much to teach her that she cannot neglect him with impunity; she does not deliberately run up bills to show him that he cannot keep her short of money.

And finally they sustain one another, believe passionately in one another, hope in one another, and above all endure together whatever life may bring, good fortune or ill fortune, health or sickness, wealth or poverty, many children or no children, to the last.

And so we see that for the Christian his love, and his marriage, is an integral part of his faith,. The words of the New Testament provide guidance and rules of life which are just as relevant and as practical today as they were when St. Paul addressed them to his contemporaries in his letters. Marriage is not a mere worldly affair, a concession to the weakness of the flesh. It is the vocation of those who are called to it by God. In loving their partner they have no fear that they love God the less, for "the man who loves God must be one who loves his brother as well" (1 John 4, 21). And so their faith helps their marriage, and their marriage helps their faith.

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