nekat2

Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change the Auto Business

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car98 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft
cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car
makers for years.

America On-Hold Upgrade
AOH's new interface, codenamed "Ebola," is currently in development. What kind of enhancements can you expect from the new software? Here are a few hints of the future: Multimedia Enhancements. Pictures AND sounds! A revolution in communication. Images imbedded in e-mail. Making it even easier for people to send you pornography you didn't ask for. Different fonts in e-mail. Um... whatever good this does. Different fonts and colors in chat rooms. Just when you thought they couldn't get any uglier. Images in chat rooms. Slowing scrolling down even more. Images in instant messages. This should prompt a mysterious jump in the number of net users who look like Jennifer Aniston or Gillian Anderson. Toolbar enhancements. Every Microsoft application has "forward/backward/stop/reload" buttons, so why can't we? Switch screen names online. Now, you can be harrassed by many different people who are all really the same person. Secure password transmissions. You mean we never told you before that our password transmissions weren't secure? We'll eventually send you the new software upgrade on a CD-ROM, but we can never be sure when it will be ready for shipping. If you don't want to wait for the mailing, you will be able to download the 38-meg file from our ultra-slow web server. Either way, by the time you get it, we'll have already updated it again.

Crime
THE CEO OF A MAJOR CORPORATION CALLED ONE OF HIS MOST TRUSTED EMPLOYEES INTO HIS OFFICE. HE SAID: "ARTY, YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT! MY WIFE IS GETTING ON MY NERVES AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! I'LL PAY YOU A MILLION DOLLARS TO KILL HER OFF!" BUT ARTY REFUSED AND TOLD HIS BOSS THAT HE IS FOREVER INDEBTED TO HIM FOR ALL OF THE THINGS THAT HE'S DONE FOR HIM THROUGHOUT THE YEARS AND THAT HE WOULD GLADLY DO IT FOR NOTHING. BUT HIS BOSS COUNTERED BY SAYING: "HOW ABOUT TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?" ARTY ONCE AGAIN REFUSED. "OK, HOW ABOUT FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?, " THE BOSS OFFERED. BUT ARTY DECLINED AGAIN. "OKAY, AT LEAST TAKE ONE DOLLAR, ARTY, EVEN IF ONLY OUT OF PRINCIPLE!." ARTY ACCEPTED. SO ARTY GOES TO HIS BOSSES MANSION, SNEAKS INTO THE BEDROOM AND CHOKES THE BOSSES WIFE TO DEATH. BUT SHE SCREAMED DURING THE GRUESOME ACT, WHICH ALERTED BOTH THE MAID AND THE BUTLER. THE BUTLER COMES RUNNING UPSTAIRS, SO ARTY CHOKED HIM TO DEATH. THEN THE MAID BURSTS IN, SO ARTY CHOKED HER TO DEATH. ARTY RAN OUTSIDE, ONLY TO DISCOVER THE POLICE WAITING FOR HIM. THE NEXT DAY, HOW DO YOU THINK THE HEADLINES READ? "ARTY CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR"

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," he replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant,"That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THE FBI IS KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR? THEY'RE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR WITH A BATTERING RAM.
A woman appealed to the Governor about getting her husband out of the penitentiary. "What is he in for?" asked the Governor. "For stealing a ham," she replied. "That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?" "No, I wouldn't say that. He's pretty lazy." "Oh... well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he?" "No, he's not. Truth be told, he's pretty mean to us." "Why would you want a man like that out of prison?" the governor asked in disbelief. "Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell now."

Doctor
A VICTIM OF A CAR CRASH GETS WHEELED INTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. HIS LEG APPEARS TO BE SOMEWHAT TWISTED AND BLOODY. THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO CUT HIS PANT LEG TO VIEW THE INJURIES. THE ACCIDENT VICTIM TELLS HIM TO GO AHEAD. SO THE DOCTOR CUTS THE PATIENT'S PANT LEG AND THE PATIENT NOTICES THE DOCTOR, AS WELL AS THE SURROUNDING NURSES, GASPING IN HORROR. SO THE PATIENT ASKS "HOW DOES IT LOOK DOC?" AND THE DOCTOR REPLIES "NOT TOO GOOD, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CHANGED YOUR UNDERWEAR?"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. Then, when they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.