nekat

Animals
The Top 10 Signs that You're at a Bad Zoo

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are giving you the finger.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6.The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. Not only does the Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit but its always groping the customers.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

How To Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Blonde
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer.

Cannibal

TWO CANNIBALS WERE EATING A CLOWN, WHEN ONE TURNS TO THE
OTHER AND SAYS: "DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU?"

Computer
If 'Windows' Was Invented By Rednecks....

Their #1 product would be "Mikersoft Winders."
Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally, you would bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!," "Naw", or "Git."
Instead of "Ta-da!" the opening sound would be dueling banjos.
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Instead of "Start Me Up," the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky Heart."
Power Point would be called "ParPawnt."
The Winders 95 logo would incorporate the confederate flag.
Instead of "VP," Mikersoft big shots would be called "Cuz."
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
"Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire."
Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.
Mikersoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
Internet addresses would begin with "dubya, dubya, dubya."
When your software goes down, you would no longer receive the message "A fatal exception has occurred," but rather "You gone and done it now!