Thoughts
used Journal Entry: Tue Nov 30, 2004, 12:28 PM I'm sick of being used. Just because I have something that someone wants, they say that their my friend and use me. Why? I can't stand the fact that you and almost everyone else i trusted and believed in lied to me and used me. Why believe you or anyone else anyway. Your not my friends anymore. I'm not listening to you, your words come in one ear and out the other, just like your broken promises! Listening- The Used Your skin attached is a fragile cliche Of my broken heart attack You should swallow your teeth and hang out Stay for a while If your heart's still beating, you must be blood If your life's still waking, you must be mud If you still feel like a kick in the wrist everyday's worth living I don't see anything now So just say what you wanna say It's kind of funny how you're not listening anyway [laughter] Lights out, I still love to hear you scream You make that noise but you're fast asleep I don't see anything now So just say what you wanna say It's kind of funny how I'm not listening anyway Lights out [laughter] Lights out, I still love to hear you scream You make that noise but you're fast asleep If your heart's still beating, you must be blood If your life's still waking, you must be mud If you still feel like a kick in the wrist everyday's worth living I don't see anything now So just say what you wanna say It's kind of funny how I'm not listening anyway I don't see anything now So just say what you wanna say It's kind of funny how I'm not listening anyway I'm not listening anyway I'm not listening anyway I'm not listening Listening, I'm not listening I'm not listening I'm not listening I'm not listening I picked this song to go with this journal entry b/c it fits it perfectly.
writing... Journal Entry: Mon Feb 7, 2005, 2:54 PM i'v been writing a lot in my offline journals and i'll try to put them on here, i have a lot of stuff for my "friends" to read in replys to their letters to the editor that they put in my journal. I don't know about life right now, it seems tiring and hopeless, everything to me right now does. Its not just life, its everyone around me also and the lives that they lead. I don't seem to realize how or why the do or act the ways that they do. It is pointless to ever think that i could be considered normal or a friend or loved at any level of being. But theres always the physical longing to become normal, or to be or have real friends or to be loved or anything like that. I just always like to think that maybe that i have a purpose in life or that some might actually care for me in the way that i want them to or to make me care for them, but i'm always wrong in thinking that way. I'll never be loved or care for, i'll never have real friends, and i'll never quit thinking the way that i do. This is who i am, or at least this is one of inklings of who i am, or who i might be, but i don't even know whoo i am or who i am to become for anyone and myself. I guess to me, i am no one, and i guess to everyone else,I am the same.
anything but nothing March 03, 2005, 10:36:pm I don't see why anyone cares anymore, about anything. EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS, LIFE, DEATH, FEELINGS, LOVE! I don't think i'll ever care about any of these things...i'v lost all hope in every becoming even somewhat remotely happy. I'v lost all hope that someday some one will make me care for them and actually love me. This is the way I am, the way i think, don't try to change me You'll never see I'm never happy. My face is painted into expressions to make everyone else happy, so that they won't ever know or find out that i'm not happy. I'm not happy being alone, i'm not happy that i don't care. But if this is the way my life turns out to be...then FUCK EVERYTHING! FUCK LOVE! FUCK HAPPINESS! FUCK EVER CARING! You see I want to care, i want to be happy, i want to love and be loved, but with a life like this i doubt i will ever be anything but nothing. I am nothing to myself, I am nothing to everyone else. I'm falling into my own abyss...please don't try and catch me
