Thoughts
questionable thoughts Journal Entry: Tue Jul 6, 2004, 3:26 PM I thought I was happy. I thought you care. Was I wrong to think that. Was I wrong to think that someone actually loved me for the FIRST time on my whole fucking life. It hurts me that everone screws me over, and breaks me even more. Will It get to the point where I can take this pain any more. I think i'm almost to that point. I'm cuting every day now. More and more scars going into my arms. The cuts are so deep, yet i can't think of anyone or anything but you michael. Why is that? WHY ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?!? JUST GO AWAY, I FUCKING HATE YOU. I hate thinking about all of you, what you did to me was wrong, wasn't it? Or is it just the thoughtsu of you that are torturing me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't i just get over you already? Its not like we were together for years, but a week feels like it to me. I never thought that you never called me b/c you were cheating on me. I said that i knew Aisha, deep down i think i did. But I'd always deny it, in my head, and in my heart. But whay does my heart and my arms ache for you still, b/c you cut them, you cut them to deep that the holes are to thick to repair. The color of my heart is so black now that i can't even smile. I hate what my thoughts of you do to me. I hate what you did to me. Why? Was i not good enough for you? Is no one ever good enough for me. Will anyone ever make me happy? I don't know, i don't know anything anymore. I can't decript the racing thoughts in my head for much longer, I just want them to go away. I wanna make them go away. And I know the only way is........
sick Journal Entry: Tue Jul 6, 2004, 3:25 PM I'm sick, again. Big suprise! I can't talk, and i'v had a fever for about 2 days now. The hospital said that its either tonsalitus, strep, or mono. I dunno yet, but i feel horible. I can barely type and read the screen. I'm having to stay in bed. GODDESS, this is terrible. My head aches and so does my throat, i had a fever of about 103. Is this b/c i haven't eaten, or is it b/c i'm depressed. I cant stand this heat, but i'm so cold and alone. I'm so delusional, i thought it was just me at first, but now i don't know. I don't know anything about myself anymore, ... ...i'm so cold......
BETTER! Journal Entry: Thu Jul 8, 2004, 11:22 AM Ok, i'm better. Turns out that it was just tonsalitus. But it seems that my mum was spreding ALL around that she could, that I had mono. Its like she said"well they did tests and they said you did." BULL SHIT! They didn't do any tests on me at the hospital, they said if i didn't get better there wuld be the chance of mono. People just need to fucking listen once in a while, i know its hard, but learn to do it. Why is it that i'm such a push-over. What can people tell me anything and i'll fucking believe them. Am i that gullible. That i'll trust anyone. But you see there the problem is, how can i trust anyone when i don't even trust myself. I'v lived like this for so long, its the only way i know how to live. Why is it that i can't think or listen any other way. It all goes right thru me and then i regret it. I regret things i say and things i don't say. Maybe this is the Schmirnoff or the fuzzy navels talking, i dunno. But i just want something more, not just something more from life, but something more from myself. I 'm sick of being me, i'm sick of being a no-bodie. Someone that people just walk all over and not notice that i'm there. I'm never there, i'm invisible when i'm happy. But i'm never happy, so you can always see me. But why don't you just step over me. Why can't you just leave me alone and stop pushing me over.
why me? Journal Entry: Mon Aug 2, 2004, 6:10 AM why am i so fucked up. Am I the only one who feels like this at my point in this no-existing life. It hurts to feel again, It hurts to believe that i might acually like someone, who will just probally end up hurting me in the end. FUCK ALL THIS CRAP! Why does everyone say that they care and argue with me. I don't believe anyone when they say that they love me, they always want something deep down. They say that they love me, then why is my mom threating to kick me out on friday if I don't have a job by then. WHY?!? Tell me. I'm only 17. how could all this shit happen to me at this age. I swear if someone else screws me over, fuck it. Suicide. And I don't give a crap who reads this. Fuck you. I know you read my shit (*cough* mom *cough*). You can read this and commit me, at least i'll be away from you and everyone else who has screwed me over. Fuck you all. I'm leaving in about 2 weeks, and for all who "cared", I'll still talk to you and go to skool like you want, mommy. But i'm cutting off almost all contact with the outside world. I'm sick of being alone, yet i'm sick of everyoe screwing me over. So i'll just be alone, less hurt then before and in the future... ...but just enough to make me cry my way to sleep... ...Hurt... Afraid...Depressed...Lonely...Tired...Feeling Nothing as I am forever alone.
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