"Journey Home"
If you are a friend of someone
who has a family member who is terminal:
1. Listen
to them. They
need to talk to someone and express how they feel. They need to maintain
contact with others to maintain some type of normalcy in their lives. Do
not allow them to be swallowed up by the disease also. They need a break
now and then from it.
2. Offer them
help. They
will need it, even it's just giving a ride for one of their kids. They
are so busy with what is going on that they need help with the kids and
activities the kids are involved in.
3. Keep in contact with them. Call
them or stop by and visit them even if it's only briefly. They need to
know you are still there for them.
If you are a family member:
1. Recognize that it is okay to
experience the feelings of denial, anger, grief. Do not feel that you have
to shut your feelings off as they will only surface later.
2. Deal with any problems with
others you are having. I don't mean fight with them, but express your concerns
and problems and try to resolve them. If you and another sibling are having
problems, deal with it. Don't put it aside as you think this may not be
the time. If you do, that problem will surface after the family member
has died and it will be much worse as all feelings are magnified now due
to the loss.
3. Seek help if
you have to. Counseling for you, other family members, and the person who
is ill is good to have now. Everyone can discuss their feelings and learn
to understand how each person is dealing with this. Hospice is a good source
for this as they will help each of you to understand how the other is feeling
and what is yet to come.
4. If the person who is ill wants
to discuss what is happening and their impending death, let them. Don't
ignore them and what they want to talk about. Many are afraid to discuss
it because they themselves are afraid of death so they choose to ignore
it. But the person who is ill, wants to discuss it. They will let you know
when they are ready.
5. Don't let them dwell on
their illness or impending death neither. They are still among the living
and help them live as much as they can during the time left. As long as
their health permits it, go on short outings, out to eat, visits, etc.
They need to know they are still alive. My mother couldn't ride very long,
but short excursions she could do while her health permitted it. We would
go out to eat and drive around and look at the scenery. This she enjoyed
more because she looked at it all with new eyes as she knew she didn't
have much longer to look at it.
6. Keep in contact with friends.
It's
so easy to shut yourself off from them because you think they can't possibly
know what you are going through and you are to busy for them. Take a few
minutes out and call them. Keep some type of normal routine in your life
as the rest is all chaos.
7. When the person
who is ill wants to discuss how they are leaving things, be
ready to listen. When they ask what you
would like, let them know. Many fights over material things can be avoided.
Even if it's the littlest thing that you think no one else would
care about, it can turn into a big thing later. Now is the time to discuss
it if the person who is ill wants to.
8. If the person
who is ill says they are sorry for things that happened in the past, don't
blow it off. This person is going through
a life review and they are wanting to take care of all unfinished business.
What you thought didn't mean much, may mean alot to them, so don't blow
them off. Listen to them. At the same time, don't let them take blame for
alot of things in their lives they had no control over. They will be their
judge and jury and this can be the hardest part on them. Let them know
that while they may blame themselves for something, they also need to forgive
them self.
9. Assist them with their life review. Most people start thinking they somehow failed in their life and haven't accomplished things they thought were important. They become depressed and not finishing things or achieving certain goals. Point out what they did accomplish (no matter how small or big it is). Sometimes they need to be reminded that a kind gesture or smile may have helped someone else achieve their goals. Help them think about all the good things they have done, people they helped, how they listened to others, volunteer work they may have done, all how their role in the family was important and helped the family. Our greatest legacy that we leave behind is not in material possessions, but in how we touched other lives. .
Most of all enjoy the time you do have left together. Make sure you have good quality time as you may not get the quantity.
The following poem expresses how I felt when my parents died and how alone I felt. If you are a friend of someone who is going through a hard time, please keep this poem in mind and take the time to ask them "How do you feel?".
Please See Me Through My Tears
You asked, "How are you doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes...and
you
looked away and quickly began to talk again.
All the attention you had given me had drained
away.
"How am I doing?" I do better when people
listen,
though I may shed a tear or two.
This pain is indescribable. If you've never
known it, you
cannot fully understand.
Yet I need you.
When you look away,
I am again alone with it.
Your attention means more than you can ever
know.
Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!
They're nature's way of helping me to heal.
They relieve some of the stress of sadness
....but you are wrong.
The memory of my loved one's death will always
be with me,
Only a thought away.
My tears make my pain more visible to you,
but you did not
give me the pain...it was already there.
When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless,
Not knowing what to do?
You are not helpless,
And you don't need to do a thing but be there.
When I feel your permission to allow my tears
to flow,
you've helped me
You need not speak. Your silence as I cry
is all I need.
Be patient...do not fear.
Listening with your heart to "how I am doing"
relieves the pain
for when the tears can freely come and go,
I feel lighter.
Talking to you releases what I've wanted to
say aloud,
clearing space
for a touch of joy in my life.
I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll
wipe my eyes
and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing
later.
When I hold back the tears, my throat grows
tight,
my chest aches, my stomach knots...
because I'm trying to protect YOU from my
tears.
Then we both hurt ME, because my pain is held
inside,
a shield against our closeness and YOU,
because suddenly we are distant.
So please, take my hand and see me through
my tears...
then we can be close again.
Author Unknown
Click here for those who are going to make the journey.
