- Do you know someone
who is terminally ill or are you yourself about to embark on the "Journey
Home"? My hope is to share with you what I have learned from helping my
parents on their "journey home", and what to look for when selecting a
Hospice program.
If you have just found out you or someone you know is terminally ill, it is all right to be mad and angry and we often deny to ourselves that this happening. When my father was ill with cancer, we gradually knew what was going to happen. But when my mother was diagnosed with cancer at the same time he was dying, we were totally unprepared. This was a woman who took good care of herself and always went to the doctor's for her check-ups. She just had a check up and x-rays a few months before this and now they were telling us that the cancer had spread through her and she only had 6 months if that to live. We were angry that no one caught it before this, especially since she had just been to the doctor's a few months prior to this. We cried, we screamed, we asked "Why God? Why would you take both our parents?" It is perfectly normal to be angry, but you have to get pass that. If you are to help the person who is ill, you have to get past the anger in order to help them. If you are the one who is ill, you will go through anger, and denial. Once you get past that, then you can get on and make what time is left count. I'm not saying to give up hope as hope is what keeps many of us going. It's okay to hope for a miracle but at the same time, make what time is left count. Once my family got past the anger (although you never get past it but we realized dwelling on it served no purpose), we than began making the time left count. What made this time particularly hard on my family is that while we were trying to accept what was happening to my mother, we were also dealing with my father's impending departure.
Now would be a good time to discuss what the person who is ill wants. They may want to establish a living will if they don't want to be kept on machines or resuscitated. I would also not dwell to much on arrangements but instead discuss their feelings. I found with my mother and father, they mainly wanted to talk about what they had done, memories they had, their accomplishments and their hopes for the ones they left behind. Little by little they would discuss what arrangements they wanted for their funerals and what their wishes were. At this time, I realized in some way how lucky we were to be able to discuss all this with them. I felt sorry for those who's loved ones left suddenly and no one knew what their wishes were nor were they given the opportunity to discuss what was important. We were given the chance and we made good use of that chance. Most important, we were given the chance to say good-bye.
- If you are ill
or you are close to someone who is, discuss what arrangements you want
when the times get rough. Everyone is different and it's what everyone
is most comfortable with. Do you want to be hospitalized when the time
gets near? Would you rather go into a hospice or would you rather be at
home with a hospice volunteer assisting you? It's also important to have
the right doctor. We learned the hard way with the doctor we had for my
father. He never would come right out and say he was terminal. My father
had gone in for surgery to have a tumor removed. The doctor informed my
mother that the cancer had spread and was now in his brain. We were all
at the hospital with my father waiting for the doctor to break the news
to my father. He just popped his head in the room and announced "Oh by
the way, the cancer is in your brain now" and left. We were dumfounded
and my father was stunned as he didn't know what to make of it. He didn't
know if that meant there was nothing they could do as the doctor did not
stay around for questions or to give us any answers. We had to chase him
down the next day to see what options we had. He still never came out and
said there was nothing more they could do. He prescribed chemo and radiation.
The radiation helped some but the chemo was useless and only made my father
ill. We were kept in the dark about everything. I think alot of doctors
are just not trained on how to deal with the dying. So it's important to
find one who will deal with it and answer your questions honestly. My mother
chose her doctor and informed him upfront that this was her journey and
she wanted to be informed of everything 1st and not thru her kids. We knew
she was dying before she did so she fired that doctor and got a new one.
My advice to someone who is terminal is talk with the doctor,
tell him how you feel, ask what treatments they prescribe and why and what
they will do. My mother opted not to have chemo as they told her it would
not slow the cancer nor stop it. So she couldn't see making herself ill
with what little time she had. She did take the radiation as this would
help ease the pain. Also talk to your doctor about any wishes you
have when the time gets near. My father was in the hospital when his time
was getting near and he knew it. He wanted to be home with his family.
The doctor didn't want to do that and we had to fight with him. We finally
got him released to go home and once home, my father made peace with everyone
and then slipped into unconsciousness. We did have a hospice volunteer
who set up his medication as he was on demerol for the pain. My father
left on his journey surrounded by his family and he went very peacefully.
We were told not to call an ambulance till afterwards because even if you
have a DNR, they are bound by law to resuscitate. After my father died,
we never saw or heard from that Hospice again. We were now having to deal
with alot emotions since we just lost my father and now we were all getting
ready on losing my mother. We had alot to deal with and I only hope that
what we learned will help someone else.
I want to thank the Guardian Newsletter for this
beautiful "survivor" pin.
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