My Mother's Journey

My Mother's Journey Home

The last picture of my mother and I together
taken on her birthday 2 months before her death.

In dealing with my father's illness and death, we knew what we wanted for my mother. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, the doctor called my sister first and told her instead of telling my mother. This upset my mother because this was her life and her journey and no one else could take it for her. They prescribed radiation treatment for the cancer in her bones as this would help some but the outcome would still be the same. She agreed to that but then they tried talking her into doing chemo also, which would do nothing but make her ill. We told her she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to nor should she feel that she had to do it for us. She was to do what she thought was right for her. We learned one thing, do NOT be afraid to ask alot of questions and demand alot of answers. It is your right. My mother wanted to live but they all agreed she would not. She accepted this but not what they wanted to do to her. She wanted quality time vs quantity time. We found another doctor and right up front she told him this was her journey and she would make all decisions and he was not to keep anything from her. Not knowing was worse on her instead of the knowing. She took control of her journey from that point on. She fought to die with dignity and to live the time she had left. She never gave up hope that maybe she would live, but she also made the most of the time she had left. She made her funeral arrangements, including her pallbearers, the type of service she wanted, where everyone would go afterwards, her treatments, and what she would give to each person. She also made it a point to really talk about the things that were important to her. She wanted to make sure she got a chance to say "good-bye" to everyone. She even found humor in the situation. While she was still able to get around, she wanted to go out with us to a park. It was a little chilly and my uncle asked if she wanted to catch a cold. Her reply was " What's the worse that could happen? I could die from it?", and she chuckled. Don't get me wrong, there were times when she would cry, get angry, and ask why this was happening to her; but then she would pull herself together and say she didn't have time to waste on feeling sorry for herself because every minute counted. We knew she was trying to be strong for the rest of us. We threw an early baby shower for my sister so that my mother could be there. The card she wrote brought everyone to tears for she wrote how she would always be watching over the baby even from Heaven.

Watching my mother disintegrate before our eyes was very hard. This was a woman who loved life and believed in living it. She loved to see new places and experience new things. When we would go somewhere and were worn out, she would not want to stop. She would say," I can rest when I die but for now I'm going to see all I can." My mother had no fear of dying but she was afraid of the manner she was going to die. She would have loved if God had passed the cup away from her and she didn't have to endure such tremendous pain, but that wasn't to happen. She did the best she could and was strength for the rest of us.

Then the cancer finally took it's toll and she was hospitalized. But when she felt the time was right, she wanted to go home to be with her family and die there. This time there was no fight from the doctor. This doctor told us most people know when their time is near and he doesn't argue with them. To our family, this doctor was an angel, for he understood and showed compassion. He made all the arrangements for us and there was a fantastic Hospice program to assist us. (If you have a loved one who wants to be home when their life's journey is over, check out various hospice programs. Believe me, the right one will make a big difference in your life).

When my mother got home, she asked for the grandchildren so that she could say her good-byes. This was hard on all the grandchildren, but it was very important to them. It would have been much harder on them if they had been shut out and not allowed the chance to say good-bye. My mother talked with each of us so that everything between us could and would be said. Then the watch began. My sisters and brother and I moved in to keep vigil. We all slept in the same room with her with 3 or 4 of us to the bed and 1 on the floor. We were not going to leave our mother when she needed us the most. Her vigil lasted 2 weeks. Because of the cancer going to her bones, we could hardly move her without causing extreme pain as her bones were brittle and would break. Hospice was a lifesaver as they came over everyday and assisted us.

My mother would wake up each day saying "Your father is late again coming for me. Just wait till I see him". We had to chuckle at that. She recorded what she wanted done and even sang a few of our favorite songs she use to sing to us as kids. These I will always cherish. When the pain got to bad, she had to be heavily sedated to ease the pain and that ended anymore talks with her. We could never figure out why she was still here since she was ready to go. We no longer prayed for God to let us keep her. We saw what the cancer was doing to her and we knew it was no way for her to live. So now we prayed that God would take her and spare her anymore pain. But she still lingered. My mother was ready to go "home" but she didn't know how. Then on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I went home to visit briefly with my family who I hadn't seen in days. I had a book called "Ask Your Angels". I flipped it open and it opened to "Angel of Death" where it explained about their duties. It said if you knew someone who was dying, you were to let them know it was ok and tell them what to look for. I pondered this statement as my mother knew it was ok as she even told my father this. Then it dawned on me, my mother was claustrophobic and if there really was a tunnel they go through, she would never go. My mother was not afraid of death but she had other fears. I rushed back over her house and explained this to my one sister. We decided we would try asking my mother's angel to guide her through the tunnel and to let her know it was ok. There was nothing to fear. We explained this to my mother while speaking softly to her. We knew she was still aware of our presence. In the background, I played angelic music by Stephen Halpern to help calm her spirit and to let her know there was nothing to be afraid of. We all prayed that she would go and God and my father would come for her.

That next morning, we all woke with a start. It was like something brushed against us. We looked at my mother, who hadn't opened her eyes in a couple of wks. She was looking at us and had just taken her last breath. We knew she found peace at long last from the pain of cancer and took comfort in gazing on her children sleeping like kids next to her. Now it was time to call Hospice and the rest of the family members to her bedside so that they to could say good-bye. We had a Hospice program with my father but their duty with us ended when my father had died. The new Hospice we had didn't end their duty with us after my mother died. They offered bereavement counseling, they came to the house for private counseling for a whole yr after my mother's passing. I only wished we had them when my father had died. They could have helped our family so much. We never had a chance to really grieve for my father as we were also busy dealing with losing another parent. Now we were dealing with alot of emotions and we felt like we were on a wild roller coaster ride that was out of control. There was anger, grief, blame, guilt, etc.

Each person handles grief differently and sometimes they take it out on others. The death of my mother and father in such a short time was more than my family could handle. Us siblings, lashed out at each other, problems we had with each other before became worse. After the death of my mother, there was no one to hold it together for us any longer. I tried, but each person would claim I was taking another's side. Thank God, my parents had the wisdom to name my uncle as executor instead of one of us kids. The toll of losing both parents was harder than any of us imagined. We all thought we were handling things fine. Oh we would cry from time to time while caring for them, but we never knew how hard their deaths would hit us. We never took the time to grieve for my father since we were then busy taking care of my mother. Now our emotions were raw and we were all in alot of pain and we did not know how to deal with it. It would have helped alot if we had gotten counseling after my father's death so that we could have handled things better and have resolved issues then. When hospice would visit and ask how we were doing, we would always say fine, even though we were not. Instead, the death of my mother was also the death of my family. For this, I grieve. I am still very close to my one sister, and I talk now and then to the other 2 sisters. My brother has not talked to me since we lost our mother. Holidays are really hard as where we once had a large family gathering, now we have none. I can only hope and pray that one day, they will come around. All they have to do is say "I still love you". A yr after my mother's death, I created the Rainbow Angel and gave each one of them one for Xmas with a picture of my father and mother on it, to let them know I am here whenever they are ready. I still grieve for my parents, but I know they are here for me. The grief I have now is the pain I feel over a lost family who use to share so much. Now I only have the memories.

My advise to anyone who has a member of a family dying is to seek counseling to help handle what you are going through. You may think you are doing ok, but you need to be truthful with yourself and others. Resolve issues and talk things out. Don't let your grief end your relationships. You can be mad at someone and you can dislike them but if they are family, you should let them know you still love them. Otherwise their pain is only compounded when the death of a loved one occurs. This is a time to pull together, not apart. My mother lived for her family and did not care about material things. Oh sure, she would have liked nice things, but they were not important to her. She always said "You can't take it with you, so spend it now." She always had a kind word for her co-workers and this was shown by the out-pouring of love and support she got from them all during her illness and upon her death. It is said, "The love we give away is never gone, it is kept in the hearts of others". I found this very true when I looked at everyone that ever knew my mother and the love and respect they had for her as they shared their memories. I only hope I can be half the person she was for then I know I have left apart of me here on Earth.

f you live in or around St. Louis, MO, contact St. John's Mercy Hospice program. They are truly Earth angels.

I thank you for allowing me to share my story with you. Please feel free to share yours with me. In sharing, we find healing. Also check out my links page for other sites that are helpful.

Verses of Comfort

Hospice

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