| HOROSCOPE ________________________ ARIES: You will wake up and eat some fish, only to find you never had any fish. LEO: Obtain hint from Gemini message. The house revolves motivation to dinner. LIBRA: The cosmos are calling. It's time for action. A new love will come into your life but you must have a blood sacrifice. GEMINI: The moon is rare in the valley. Grab it while you can. PISCES: You will smell like the underarm of an old man this coming weekend. cont on pg3. |
![[History]](http://us.yimg.com/i/ligans/cb/smtdih.gif) |
| The CornCob Phenomenon |
| Many people across America have been experiencing a sharp pain in the rectums. They are later horrified to discover a corncob stuck in their anuses. Many of the people effected by this become very irritable and bitchy. The corncob is only the latest in the long line of disabilities. This can be related to the well known "Head up your ass" condition, as well as the "What's up your ass?" plague of 81. Generally many of the afflicted turned into total assholes and were later traded to South America for a bag of coffee beans. If you know anyone who may be an asshole, ask them to get their ass checked....there may be a cob up there.... |
| Conspiracy Theory of the Month |
| The test of the emergency broadcast system is really a brain scanner. It's how the government keeps tabs on everyone. The short beeps implant a small microchip via radio wave lasers into your brain. This chip sends sudden urges in the mind that tells young teens to like boy bands like the BS boys. The long beeps send messages to your brain that tell you to join the military and or buy more SPAM. |
| The wrong kind of underwear can kill! |
| In Phoenix Arizona 30 men suffered from major strangulation trauma to their lower body. Over half of them died of lack of circulation. In total 100 million pairs of Fruit of the Bloom underwear had to be recalled. When questioned, the head of the underwear company said "At least it wasn't wedgies." |
