| VIRGO: The sign of the goat is in your cards this month. Please insert coin. SAGITTARIUS: Eat lots of cheese this month. You will pass gas on several days this week. CANCER: Your sausages will be ripe. A new job is coming for you late in the month. SCORPIO: A man by the name of frank will pass you by on the 3rd street bridge of LA's freeway. He wants his 3 dollars back. TAURUS: We're sorry, the constellation you have requested is currently out of service. Please hangup and try your call again later. AQUARIUS: You will eat sausages raw, rare and to the side-like. Then you will howl at the moon. CAPRICORN: A fry will land on the apple pie. Beach balls will rule the word, and frogs will lead a band of Weird Al cult members to the land of goodness, all this and more for you this month. |
| Local News |
| --In the Ozarks today a man was arrested for indecent exposure. Apparently he thought he was "Jaka the mighty sausage king."-- --In Greene county a local man who was armed and extremely stupid tried to kill his wife with a spatula. He was charged with assault with a kitchen utensil.-- --Today, just north of Springfield a fifty car pile up kept the traffic from moving for five and a half hours. The accident occurred when a disturbed man was arguing with a tub if cottage cheese while walking in the middle of the road. The cottage cheese was fine but the man sustained multiple wounds and broken bones.-- --A man was shot today in his home by one is his neighbors. Apparently they were arguing over the size of the roots on theese tubers. One man called the other a "Butt ramming, ass grabber." The other man shot at the first guy blowing his elbow off. The elbow was later found in the belly of a great white shark.-- |
| The Sausage Stock Report |
| Leviss............................................................................................up 30 sausage pts Fruit of the Bloom........................................................................down 700 sausages Sideways INC..............................................................................up 270 sausage pts Sonie.............................................................................................up 1000 sausages Sausages INC............................................................................down 5200 sausages H.R. Bitch.....................................................................................up 32 sausage pts Slut Corps.................................................................................down 69 sausage pts Bastard brand bacon bits...................................................................up 123 sausages Asa Madd's Site of Wrongness...........................................down 1 million sausage pts |
| In Sports |
| Football In foot ball this week a bunch of big guys will try to catch really fast guys as they try to cross a certian part of the field that constitues a score. Oh and alot of them will do a buch of drugs and prolly get injured |
| Basketball A bunch of really tall guys will run back and forth on a wooden platform and get paid way too much for putting rubber balls into baskets while other really tall guys will try to block their shots. |
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| Baseball A bunch of guys that chew alot of gum will try to hit a ball really far using a wooden stick while trying to scratch their crotches as much as possible in between running on a big diamond. |
| Hokey A bunch of guys with lots of padding and little teeth will beat the living crap out of eachother while trying to get a little black disc into a net |
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