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Journal Entries: |
23 January 2001 - by Scott Grafton For this journal assignment, I have decided to do some creative writing. Here goes: The following is a true story. All accounts are based on factual information and research conducted by me and a crew of research specialists. Together, we were able to find the whole truth about a topic that has evaded all of us until today. I will finally be able to answer the question that we have all asked at some point in our lives. Is Diamond Dallas Page Hitler hellspawn? The answer to this question is "yes," Diamond Dallas Page is indeed Hitler hellspawn. "How can you make such harsh accusations?" you may ask. Well, I'll prove it to you through pictures and analysis. First off, I will expose the frightening connection between young Diamond Dallas Page, who was cleverly nicknamed DDP but will be known throughout this article as Snowball, and Adolf Hitler. Observe the following pictures.
As you can see, both Hitler and DDP use the same trademark hand symbol. How can this be? This question will soon be answered. In fact, I will answer it now. The truth can be seen by tracing back down the path Snowball took to fame and fortune. After long hours of research, my crack team of analysts have found the answer to this mysterious connection. It all began long ago, before the time of Snowball, or even the WCW for that matter. We must go back to the ancient, long-lost career of Adolf Hitler. Unknown to most, Adolf Hitler was a once famous wrestler, born in Greensboro, Tennessee. He had a successful career from the start. He brought something to the ring that was yet to be seen in the wrestling community. He brought flare, pizzazz, costumes, and the first-ever trademark moves. He was a master. He made wrestling an art form. Here is a rare snapshot of young Hitler taking care of business.
Hitler's career took off with the advent of his most famous wrestling manuever. It was known as the Mein Kampf, roughly translated as "the move where you twist the opponents head between your arms, leaving him helpless and crying in agony, trying to call for a time-out." This picture captured his famous move during one of his Greensboro matches.
As you can see, Hitler was very good at what he did. The Greenboro fans ate it up, quickly advancing Hitler's wrestling career from backwoods to mainstream. This is where the real story begins. As Hitler hit the big time wrestling circuit, he met many adverse situations that slowly ended his career. As his popularity increased, so did stress of trying to create new manuevers and entertaining ways to wrestle. His most popular moves were the aforementioned Mein Kampf, the goose-step, the Boston Crab, and the Crazy Horse. This created a huge cult following. Young Hitlers were appearing everywhere.
The immense amount of popularity gave Hitler extra media attention, which immediatley went to his head. Instead of sticking to the basics, Hitler wanted it all. He shamelessly sold his career through several marketing ploys. He developed his own line of clothing.
He took a role in a B-movie where he played a easy-going detective. There was no plot to the movie. It was basically just him relaxing in his office, smoking cigars, drinking jack and cokes, and reading poronography. It was only fifteen minutes long.
He also starred in his own Saturday morning cartoon, called "Adolf Hitler and the Funky Bunch." Hitler's character was an aspiring wrestler/superhero, who would fight crime with his gang of wise-cracking black kids.
His moment of fame was short-lived when his weak spot was finally discovered by Bruno the Destroyer during a San Antonio match. Bruno had found that Hitler's Achilles' heel was a swift punch in the groin, which will later serve its purpose later in the story. This devastating discovery soon lost the rising-star's cult following, clothing line, movie career, and Saturday morning cartoon.
With his career over, Hitler had no reason to go on. The more he tried to live life peacefully without his wrestling career, the more he felt he must do something. Then it hit him. He was determined to find and train his protege. This is where young Snowball comes in. Hitler was looking for specific qualities in his candidate, and finally found them in DDP, or in this case, Snowball. The blond-haired, blue-eyed Snowball was trained for years by Hitler. He taught him the moves, the tricks of the trade, the way to perform, how not to taken in by advertisers, and last but not least, how to bake a really good brownie. After twelve long years, young DDP (the Snowball thing was getting tiresome) was set loose upon the world of wrestling. He quickly dominated the sport as he defeated opponent after opponent. Once he broke into the big leagues, he began to develop his trademark moves, as well as a nickname. He called himself Diamond Dallas Page, and his special move was the diamond cutter. Why the diamond? Because quartz just isn't pretty enough. Anyway, young DDP had made it big.
Diamond Dallas Page's career skyrocketed into fame and fortune, creating a huge fan base, spanning from trailer parks in Florida to trailer parks in California. DDP, feeling that he owed the man who taught him all he knew, decided to use Hitler's old hand-symbol as his signature symbol. This explains the similarity between his symbol and Hitler's. However, there is one thing Hitler neglected to teach DDP. That was the ability to block one's own crotch. The result was devastating. As with Hitler, DDP's career began to slide when he began taking crotch shots. Observe in the next two photos how he failed to block the infamous crotch shot.
Unlike his predecessor, Diamond Dallas Page was able to recuperate after such low blows. He began wearing a special device unavailable in Hitler's time. It was known as a "security belt," or better known as a chastity belt or iron underwear. The manufacturers of this device can be found at TollyBoy.com. They produce the finest in crotch security belts. This product not only saved DDP's career, but also gained a country-wide acceptance of the chastity belt. Kids began wearing them to school, to church, and even on the baseball field. Teen pregnancies have never been this low. The reason: TollyBoy.com only makes the belts, not the keys to open them. Therefore, those who wear the security belts, keep them on, forever. Thus, ends our unlikely story of a man and his dog. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. My researchers and I put a lot of work into this one, using only the most reliable resources on the internet. Well, that's all for now. |
