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| THE LITERAL TRANSLATION I AM ROWING - HENRI MICHAUX I have cursed your brow, your stomach, your life I have cursed the streets your steps pursue The objects your hand siezes I have cursed the inside of your dreams I have put a puddle in your eye and it no longer sees An insect in your ear and it no longer hears A sponge in your brain and it no longer understands I have chilled you in the soul of your body I have frozen you in the depth of your life The air that you breathe suffocates you The air that you breathe has an air of cellars Is an air that has already been exhaled that hyenas have rejected The dung of this air no one can breathe any longer Your skin is moist all over Your skin sweats the sweat of the great fear Your armpits reek from afar with the odour of crypts Animals drop dead you pass Dogs howl in the night their heads raised towards your house You cannot flee Not the strength of an ant can enter the tip of your toes Your fatigue makes a lead tree stump in your body Your fatigue is a long caravan Your fatigue extends to the country of Nan Your fatigue is unutterable Your mouth bites you Your nails scratch you No longer yours is your wife No longer yours is your brother The sole of your foot is stung by a furious serpent They have slobbered upon your descendants They have slobbered upon the laughter of your little daughter Someone slobbered as they passed by the face of your dwelling The world shuns you I am rowing I am rowing I am rowing against your life I am rowing I multiply into innumerable rowers To row more powerfully against you You fall in the vagueness You cannot breathe You grow tired even before the least exertion I am rowing I am rowing I am rowing You go away drunk tied to a mule's tail Drunkenness like an enormous parasol that obscures the sky And collects flies Dizzy drunkenness of the semi-circular canals Begining of the hemiplegia neglected Drunkenness never leaves you You sleep left-handed You are entitled to sleep You sleep on the rocky ground of the road I am rowing I am rowing I am rowing against your day You enter the house of pain I am rowing I am rowing On a black band your actions are being enrolled On the great white eye of a one eyed horse your future revolves |
Can't be bothered writing one, besides, what's the point? Read the page, have fun, enjoy. |
| INTRODUCTION |
| JE RAME |
| THE ORIGINAL VERSION JE RAME - HENRI MICHAUX J'ai maudit ton front ton ventre ta vie J'ai maudit les rues que ta marche enfile Les objets que ta main saisit J'ai maudit l'interieur de tes reves J'ai mis une flaque dans ton ceil qui ne voit plus Un insecte dans ton oreille qui n'entend plus Une eponge dans ton cerveau qui ne comprend plus Je t'ai refroidi en I'ame de ton corps Je t'ai glace en ta vie profonde L'air que tu respires te suffoque L'air que tu respires a un air de cave Est un air qui a deja ete expire qui a ete rejete par des hyenas Le fumier de cet air personne ne peut plus Ie respirer Ta peau est toute humide Ta peau sue I'eau de la grande peur Tes aisselles degagent au loin une odeur de crypte Les animaux s'arretent sur ton passage Les chins, la nuit, hurlent, la tete levee ta maison Tu ne peus pas fuir II ne te vient pas une force de fourmi au bout du pied Ta fatigue fait une souche de plomb en ton corps Ta fatigue est une longue caravane Ta fatigue va jusqu'au pays de Nan Ta fatigue est inexprimable Ta bouche te mord Tes ongles te griffent N'est plus a toi ta femme N'est plus a toi ton frere Le plante de son pied est mordue par an serpent furieux On a bave sur to progeniture On a bave sur la rire de ta filette On est passe en bavant devant le visage de ta demeure Le monde s'eloigne de toi Je rame Je rame Je rame centre ta vie Je rame Je me multiplie en rameurs innombrables Pour ramer plus fortement centre toi Tu tombes dans le vague Tu es sans souffl� Tu te lasses avant meme la moindre effort Je rame Je rame Je rame Tu t'en vas, ivre, attache a la queue d'un mulct L'ivresse comme un immense parasol qui obscurcit Ie ciel Et assemble les mouches L'ivresse vertigineuse des canaux semi-circulaires Commencement mal ecoute de I'hemiplegie L'ivresse ne te quitte plus Te couche a gauche Te couche a droit Te couche sur Ie sol pierreux du chemin Je rame Je rame Je rame contre tes jours Dans la maison de la souffrance tu entres Je rame Je rame Sur un bandeau noir tes actions s'inscrivent Sur Ie grande ceil blanc d'un cheval borgne route ton avenir |
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| THE CURIOUS MAN |
| A man on a plane needed to go to the gents but every time he went there was someone else using it. After a while the stewardess noticed his predicament and suggested he use the ladies instead but not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. He went in, took a seat and looking around he spotted to buttons marked thus: WW, WA, PP, ATR. After a while his curiosity got the better of him and he pressed the button marked WW and warm water washed his bottom. This was a marvellous idea so he pressed the button marked WA and warm air gushed out and dried his bottom. Not to be outdone he decided to press the button marked PP and out came a powder puff and powdered his bum. He though the ladies really had it made so he pressed the button marked ATR and passed out. Waking up in hospital he asked the nurse "What happened?" and she said "You pressed the button marked ATR and that means Automatic Tampon Remover, your penis is under your pillow and your balls are in a bucket under the bed." |
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| I'M SURE |
| I'm sure you can imagine, It's as simple as can be, The Place is Piccadilly, the players he and she. She whispered will it hurt, of course not answered he, Iit's a very simple process, you can rely on me. She said I'm rather frightened, I haven't had it before, He started, to convince her, it would not hurt at all. It's getting rather painful, the tears were in her eyes, It's hurting quite a bit now, it must be quite a size. Now calm yourself my dear, his face betrayed a sin, Just open slightly wider, so I can get more in. Suddenly with a sigh, she gave a joyous shout, It's all over now he said, thank God you've pulled it out. Now if you read it carefully, It's a dentist you will find, And not what you are thinking, it's just your dirty mind! |
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| LAWYER JOKE |
| A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?" |
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| LIST OF TYPES |
| Excitable type Sociable type Timid type Noisy type Indifferent type Clever type Frivolous type Worried type Disgruntled type Personality type Sneaky type Sloppy type Learned type Childish type Vain type Strong type Absent minded type |
| Pants twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in temper. Joins friends in a piss whether he wants one or not, says it doesn't cost anything. Cannot piss if anyone is watching pretends he has pissed sneaks back later. Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to have a look at other blokes tool. All urinals being occupied, pisses in the sinks. Pisses without holding his prick, shows off by adjusting his tie at the same time. Plays stream up, down and across, tries to piss on flies, this type never grows up. Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes furtive but close inspection of his tool, whilst pissing. Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails farts again, and walks away muttering. Tells joke whilst pissing shakes off drops from tool with a flourish. Drops silent fart whilst pissing sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him. Pisses down trousers into his shoes, walks out with flyhole open, adjusting his balls outside ten minutes later. Reads a book or paper whilst pissing. Looks down at bottom of urinal whilst pissing to watch bubbles. Undoes five buttons to take out his tool when two would do. Bangs tool on side of urinal to knock drops off end. Opens vest, takes out tie, pisses in pants. |
| Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car, which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so much he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. The attorney for Howard "Wing Ding" Jones, accused of selling drugs, sought to lower his client's bail from $150,000, insisting in a Norristown, Pennsylvania, courtroom that Jones was not a risk to flee. At that very moment, Jones bolted from the courtroom and sprinted out the front door. Police captured him 50 minutes later and returned him to the courtroom, where his bail was raised to $500,000. Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a hefty-bag facemask over his head -- and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help... Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up MORE walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck - so they abandoned it. A policeman picks up a man running down the street with a woman's purse (since he fits the description of a purse snatcher reported just seconds earlier). The policeman tells the criminal he will take him to the lady for a positive identification, meaning he wants the lady to positively ID the criminal. When the purse snatcher steps out of the squad car, he says, "Yes, Sir, that's the woman I robbed alright!" The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school. R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. |
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| Thanks to Brigham Police Dept for these |
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| INSURANCE CLAIMS |
| � Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. � The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intention. � I thought my window was down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. � I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. � A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. � A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. � The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. � I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. � In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. � I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. � I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. � I was on my way to the Doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. � As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. � To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian. � My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. � An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. � I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. � I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. � The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. � I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. � The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. � I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. � The other car attempted to cut in front of me so I, with my right bumper, removed his left front tail light. � I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough room and found my self in a different direction going the opposite way. � The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing. � The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. � I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries. � I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. � I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed � The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. � To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me I struck the pedestrian. � When I saw I could not avoid the collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. � I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing was his rear end and there was a crash. |
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| DISPOSING OF UNWANTED WHISKY |
| I had twelve bottles of whisky in my cellar, and my wife told me to empty the contents of each, and every bottle down the sink�or else, I said that I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and emptied the good whisky down the sink, except a glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink, and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it, and poured the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass, and poured the cork down the bottle. I pulled the glass out of the next sink, and poured the bottle down the cork. I pulled the next cork out of my throat, poured the sink down the bottle and drank the glass, then I corked the sink, with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had emptied everything, I steadied the house with one hand, and counted the bottles and corks and glasses with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure, I counted them again, when they came by, and I had seventy-four. And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the bottles and corks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork, which I drank. |
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| SEX IS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND |
| Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or something similar. I call mine Sex. Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came along and asked me what I was doing in the Park at 2 o'clock in the morning. My case comes up in court next Thursday! One day I went to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!". Then I said "but this is a dog", and he said he didn't care how she looked. I said "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old". He replied "You must have been a very strong boy!" When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex". He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him that everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. My family is barred from the church now. My wife and I took the dog along with us on honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I, and a separate room for Sex, because Sex kept us awake at night. The clerk said "Me too!!" One day I told my friend that I had Sex on television. He said "bugger off". I told him it was a competition, and he told me I should have sold tickets! When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said to the judge "You know I had Sex before I was married", he said "Me too!" When I told him that after I married Sex left me, he said "Me too!" Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been married and divorced and had more damn trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why, just the other day I went for my first session with the psychiatrist and she asked me "What seems to be the trouble?" and I replied "Hell, Sex has died and left my life, its like losing a best friend, and its so lonely". The doctor said "Look mister, you and I both know that Sex isn't man's best friend - get yourself a dog!!" |
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| REAL EXCUSES SENT TO SCHOOL |
| � My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today, please execute him. � Please excuse Mary for being absent, she was sick and I had her shot. � Dear School, Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33. � Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. � Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. � John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. � Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. � Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins. � Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. � Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. � Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhoea and his boots leak. � Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust. � Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. � I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. � Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. � Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds. � Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral. � My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's. � Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. � Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. � Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor. � Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night. |
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| LETTERS TO AN ENGLISH COUNCIL |
| � I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. � The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof. � This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door. � The toilet seat is cracked; where do I stand? � I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. � Our toilet seat is broken in half into 3 pieces. � I want some repairs doing to our cooker, it has backfired and burnt my knob off. � The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. � The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. � Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and now she is pregnant. � Would you please repair our toilet; my son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head. � Will you please send a man to look at my water? It's a funny colour and not fit to drink. � This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC 2. |
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| BRITISH NEWSPAPERS |
| The Times Daily Mirror Guardian The Star Daily Mail Financial Times Daily Express Telegraph The Sun |
| Read by people who run the country. Read by people who think they run the country. Read by people who think they ought to run the country. Read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country. Read by the wives of the people who run the country. Read by the people who own the country. Read by the people who think the country ought to be run as it used to be run. Read by people who still think it is. Read by people who don't care who runs the country so long as they have big tits. |
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| THE PLAN |
| � In the beginning was the plan. � And then came the assumptions. � And the assumptions were without form. � And the plan was completely without substance. � And the darkness was on the faces of the workers. � And they spake unto their group leaders, saying "It is a crock of s--t and it stinketh". � And the group heads went unto their section heads, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof". � And the section heads went unto their managers, and sayeth unto them: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none here may abide by it". � And the managers went unto their director, and sayeth: "It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength". � And the director went unto the Director-General, and sayeth: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong". � And the Director-General went unto the Assistant Deputy Minister, and sayeth: "It promoteth growth, and is very powerful." � And the ADM went unto the Deputy Minister, and sayeth unto him: "This powerful new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of the department, and this area in particular." � And the Deputy Minister looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good. � And the Plan became Policy. |
| In the UK we have a system whereby the Councils (local authorities) provide and maintain houses for those who may not be able to afford their own. These are extracts from letters sent to one such Council. |
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| MAINTENANCE CREW TALK BACK |
| Maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. |
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| USS LINCOLN |
| Americans Canadians Americans Canadians Americans Canadians |
| � Problem � Solution � Problem � Solution � Problem 1 � Solution 1 � Problem 2 � Problem � Signed off � Problem � Solution � Problem � Solution � Problem � Solution � Problem � Solution � Problem � Solution � Problem � Solution � Problem � Solution � Problem � Solution |
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| MISMATCHED PAIR OF GLOVES |
| A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a Department Store and bought a pair of gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During wrapping the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note: Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noted you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your young sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales lady try them on and they really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp before wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. PS. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing. |
| This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US navy vessel and Canadian authorities off Newfoundland in October 1995. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95 |
| Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course NO. I say again, divert YOUR course. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES 'ATLANTIC FLEET'. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT CRAFT. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE USED TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. This is a lighthouse, your call. |
| Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Almost replaced left inside main tire. Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. Autoland not installed on this aircraft. #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid. #2 Propeller seepage normal. #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage. Problem: The autopilot doesn't. Signed off: It does now. Something loose in cockpit. Something tightened in cockpit. Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear. Evidence removed. DME volume unbelievably loud. Volume set to more believable level. Dead bugs on windshield. Live bugs on order. Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 foot per minute descent. Cannot reproduce problem on ground. IFF inoperative. IFF inoperative in off mode. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. That's what they're there for. Number three engine missing. Engine found on right wing after brief search. |
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| GAS CONVERSION |
| � Can you move the meter so it won't cause an obstruction in my passage? � The electricity man did it through the floorboards, but your man put it in my front passage where everyone could see it. � I don't like it so much in the kitchen as I did in the shop window. � Since you put a new pipe from the mains to our house, me and my husband dread going to bed at night because of a slight discharge. I think there is a leak just after it enters. � I told my husband it was safe to leave it in all night, but he won't. If he comes to the showroom like I did, can the lady satisfy him behind the counter and talk him out of it? � I was told mine is no good, but if it is altered, I can get the North sea in? � I have heard that there are two ways you can have it, and it worked out cheaper the more you got if you have it the other way. � I am not satisfied with an apprentice, so will you send a man to do it properly. � My wife will be ready for your man if you let her know when he is coming on a postcard. � I will try to pay before the end of the month because my husband will be surprised if you cut it off without telling him. � My husband is pretty handy, but he says your men can do it better because of their tools. � It has gone slack with use and my husband can't make it any tighter no matter how he tries, so for the time being we are making do with an old gas ring. � My slot is not blocked now but your men made an awful mess banging their tools on the wall. � Since I made arrangements with your salesman, I am having a baby and would like to change it for a drying cabinet. � My husband was under the impression that I was getting it at reduced rates, but your salesman didn't use his head and got me into trouble. � It is about time your workmen came back to fill the hole, because we are fed up with having it in the street, it is a big attraction and we are getting children by the dozen. � The woman who is after the house says she is not keen on it, so if she asks it, can your man stand by to take it out before she comes? � My neighbour has a bigger one than we have and it makes a difference to her water when she fills the bath. |
| Several years ago the whole of Britain underwent a gas conversion to 'North Sea' gas, during the process of conversion the Gas Board received some rather off letters from it's customers; here are some extracts: |
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| VILE GREEN SQUID |
| So this rather upper class guy visits his favourite restaurant for lunch. He looks at the menu and decides that he really does fancy squid. He calls the French waiter over and places his order. "Chervase" says he, "I would like a squid please". "But sir, we only ave one left in ze tank, it is veery small, extremely ugly, and has hair growing on its upper lip, and it eez bright green to boot!". "Look here Chervase, it may be all those things but it is still squid, and I should think edible. I will therefore have the squid". So Chervase wheels the fish tank out to the kitchens and scoops the poor little squid from the corner of said tank where it was trying to hide. He places the squid on the chopping block and raises the knife ready to deal the death blow. As he is about to bring the knife down the squid looks him straight in the eye and whimpers softly. Chervase stops his swing, thinking that the thing may be ugly, a funny shade of green, and have a hairy lip, but it seemed almost to have a personality, and he could not bring himself to kill the creature. Looking round he sees Hans, the big German who washes dishes watching the proceedings with interest. "Hans," says Chervase, " pleeze elp me out ere', I ave to kill ze squid, but some ow I cannot bring myself to do zis thing" Hans snorts, walks over and grabs the squid by the tentacles. He raises the knife but before he can bring it down the little squid does the same again, looking Hans in the eye, and giving a small pathetic whimper. Hans looked at the squid, bright green, ugly as sin, hairy lip and nearly burst into tears. Hans lowered the knife slowly, and looked round at Chervase. "I am sorry Chervase, but I, Hans also cannot kill the thing." Now, the moral of the story is this: Hans that do dishes can be soft as Chervase, with vile green hairy lip squids! |
| This probably won't make sense to anyone who wasn't watching UK television back in the 70's and 80's |
| Dear Sir I write this note to you, To tell you of my plight. For at the time of writing it, I'm not a pretty sight. My body is all black and blue, My face a deathly grey, And I write this note to say Why I am not at work today. While working on the fourteenth floor, Some bricks I had to clear. Tossing them down from such a height, Was not a good idea. The foreman was not very pleased, He is an awkward sod, And he said I had to cart them Down the ladders in me hod. Well clearing all these bricks by hand, It was so very slow. So I hoisted up a barrel, And secured a rope below. But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see, That a barrel full of building bricks Was heavier than me. |
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| THE BRICKLAYERS SONG |
| Do I have to be married to have safe Fax? Although married people fax quiet often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write short memos to each other until they were 16. How old do you think someone should be BEFORE they fax? Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure. If I fax myself will I go Bind? Certainly not as far as I can see. There is a place in our street where you can go and pay for fax, is this legal? Yes, many people have no other outlet for their needs and must pay a professional when their needs become too great. Should a cover always be used? Unless you are really sure of the person you are faxing, a cover sheet should always be used to insure safe fax. What happens when I incorrectly perform the procedure and I fax prematurely? Don't panic! Many people fax prematurely when the have not faxed for a long time. Start again, most people will not mind if you try again. I have a personal and a business fax, can transmissions be mixed? Being Bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you will not transmit anything you are not supposed to. |
| "Sulu, set path to the root directory and install the ram disk for 320k. We're taking her out." "Aye, sir." "Scotty, I want full power to the megabit ram chips and to the hard drives." "Captain, yer overloadin' her as it is. The power supply just isn't built to take two hard drrrives." "Power, Scotty! I want more power! Chekov, install the disk cache." "Spock, any word on the millions of instructions per second?" "Fascinating, Captain. It seems as if the turbo accelerator board is overrunning the hard drive, which, due to its poorer response time, is slowing down the system performance." "Scotty, where is that power!?" "Captain, I'm givin ye all she's got. It's that miserable 80986 with the 512k bit bus multiplexed down to one pin. The wee beastie has these teeny weeny little segments that can only handle so much. You'll have to install an extended memory board, do bank switching, and allocate a huge ram disk if you want to go any faster." "Chekov, install the EMS board." "Yes, sir." "Uhura, any word from mainframe command?" "Well, Captain, we're received several interrupts from the serial port, but because we're not multitasking, the data is just sitting there." "Scotty, how much longer until we can shift into Unix?" "Captain, if ye can squeeze another 60 megabytes onto that hard disk, we might have room for Unix and a couple of system utilities. Possibly an application. We'll need to increase the clock speed to 28 gigahertz. I think we can do it, but there are too many unknowns, too many bugs in the system! We'll have to do a proper shakedown." "Spock?" "Unix is a massive system, Captain, and the commands have to be decoded from hieroglyphics invented back in ancient times. It may be more than we can handle." "Sulu, put in the 60 meg hard drive, install Unix for mouse drive. Prepare to go to Task speed on my signal." "Mouse drive? ......Aye, Captain." "Now! Yes, Bones? What do you want?" "Jim, you just have a little spreadsheet work, mailing labels, and some word processing. Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?" "Sulu?" "Captain, she's shifting into multitasking. Task one. Task two.... Captain, I'm losing control at the helm. It looks like we've encountered a bad sector." "Put it on visual, Sulu." "Captain, the VGA is not responding, sir. Shifting resolution into EGA mode." "Spock? What's the problem?" "Unknown, Captain. Unix seems to be rerouting all input to a null device." Trying 'grep'", now"( muttering, "whatever that is.") "Scotty, what's happening with those '/dev' subdirectories?" "Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...." "Scotty, we're not using the math chip." "Sorry, Captain, but I haven't been able to say that for twenty minutes." "Uhura, notify mainframe command." "Captain, either communications is breaking up, or you're dropping into Shakespearean stutter mode again." "Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...." "Enough Scotty!" "Captain! I'm getting a message from mainframe command......Apparently, sir, they're going to time-warp previously forgotten modes of data handling, it looks like SQL syntax is forming in the language port now." "Scotty, quick, pop-up the menu shields. This could be a trick to get us back to card punching." "I'm sorry, Captain, but Dbase LCXIX doesn't have pop-ups that work yet." "Chekov, we need hardcopy! Fire HP LaserJet!" "Aye, sir." "Bones, how do I see which tasks are active?" "I'm a doctor, Jim, not a command shell!" "Scotty! Why can't I get a directory on this thing!!?" "Captain, ye just canna have a mouse driven pull down menu system with Unix. It's like matter and antimatter, the system's too bogged down. Yer drainin me quartz crystals." "Chekov, report." "Captain, the little arrow is responding, but it gets to the side of the screen before the windows have a chance to move..." "Spock? What's happening to our multitasking?" "It appears as if the needs of the one are outweighing the needs of the many." "Captain, she's not even running on reserve now. We'll have to do a cold boot for surrre." "Bones?" "It's dead, Jim." |
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| And so when I untied the rope, The barrel fell like lead. And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead. I shot up like a rocket, And to my dismay I found, That half-way up I met the bloody barrel Coming down. The barrel broke my shoulder, As to the ground it sped. And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head. I clung on tightly numb with shock, From this almighty blow, While the barrel spilled out half it's bricks Some fourteen floors below. Now when these bricks had fallen, From the barrel to the floor, I then out-weighed the barrel, And so started down once more. I clung on tightly to the rope, My body racked with pain, And half-way down I met The bloody barrel once again. |
| The force of this collision, Half-way down the office block, Caused multiple abrasions, And a nasty case of shock. But I clung on tightly to the rope As I fell towards the ground, And I landed on the broken bricks The barrel had scattered round. Now as I lay there on the ground, I thought I'd passed the worst. But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, And then the bottom burst. A shower of bricks rained dowm on me, I didn't have a hope, As I lay there bleeding on the ground I let go the bloody rope. The barrel now being heavier, It started down once more. It landed right across me, As I lay there on the floor. It broke three ribs and my left arm, And I can only say, That I hope you'll understand Why I am not at work today. |
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| GUIDE TO SAFE FAX |
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| STAR TREK: IN SEARCH OF POWER |
|
| Thanks to Macros Motorcyles where a lot of the stuff came from. Click on the Biker Lesbian to go to their site for more clean jokes (and a motorbike if you want one). |
| If you've got something worth including please e-mail it to us. If we like it and there's space we'll use it. Let us know if you want it crediting to you and / or linking to your site. |
| Welcome to our Silly Stuff page, we hope you enjoy it. Some are our own doing, but most are from the internet. If you've got anything amusing e-mail it to us and we might include it. More stuff will be added in time. |
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| Click on a button. Go away. That's it, the end, there is no more. Stop wasting your time, depart, cease to be here. |
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| DUMB CROOKS |
| A young man asked his mother to drive him to the bank without telling her he planned to rob it. He told her to wait while he went inside to conduct his business. A few minutes later junior came running out with the cash, only to find that mom had parked the car and gone inside a nearby grocery store to do some shopping. A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. |
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