5/15/2001
He was born five years ago tonight... I remember the labor and delivery as if they were yesterday. We all got up in the middle of the night and went to the hospital. You were in labor for a while but then your contractions fizzled out and they they had to start you on Pitocin. They were close to doing a section when Brice finally decided to be born. Jim and you were so proud. You had wanted a baby for so long, especially after you lost your other babies. I know I'll never forgive myself because I didn't realize how bad the pain is when you lose a child of any age. Now I know and I am sorry I didn't understand more, so I could have helped you through it better. I just know that now that you are reunited with those babies and waiting for us to join you too.
Jim had a party for Brice on Sunday, Mother's Day. It was hard to know that little boy will grow up without his mom, and of course it was my first Mother's Day without you. We all missed you and it was like the "elephant in the room" because we didn't talk about you not being here... Of course I think we all would have broken down and cried if we had. Tonight I sit and cry because I drove down a street and I thought I saw you. A blond with hair like yours and an orange shirt on. I nearly waved but then I remembered....
Your headstone is in, I cried the day I saw it. I think it's lovely, but it is one more thing that shows how true this nightmare really is. I always want to be woken up by you standing next to me and telling me I had a nightmare, instead I will have to wait until one day you will greet me and welcome me home with arms wide open. I know Heaven is where we will go, because this is Hell...
Loxsing you has made me so aware of how fragile life is and how we take those we love for granted... What a hard way to learn that lesson. I hope that others outside our family have learned the lesson too
and never need to bear this pain.
Kyla, I LOVE YOU. I miss you... Please stay by my side...
age 4 in the dress
mommy made for her"
5/21/2001
You've been gone seven months today,
How are you doing, they all say...
Do they really want me to tell the truth or
Are they asking to be polite?
Will they turn, not knowing what to say
And feel uncomfortable the rest of the day?
Life goes on, not good, not better, just here.
I'm not the same, none of us are.
We miss you and love you yet,
We promise not to forget.
I want to do an album with pictures of you,
A tribute to your 35 years, I look at the pictures...
All I do is cry, I try to organize them
Don't know if they are all here.
Help me find them and do this
Before it's been a full year
I know your grandpa Bailey sent baby pictures of you,
Where are they, How do I find them??? We had so few.
No camera to capture your first years.
That's why I want pictures of that kid of yours.
He looks so much like you,
Blond hair, eyes of blue,
The freckle on the end of his nose...
How he got that, no one knows.
Kyla, I miss you still, I know I always will.
I hope the prayers I say,
Bring me closer to you each day.
Rest in Peace, let your spirit soar
Till we're together forever more.
I love you,
MOM
June 17, 2002
We went to Colorado, a race to see.
Sunday won the Victory!
Your sister Shell, your brother Dan
You should have been there, that was the plan.
Up Pike�s Peak we traveled,
The beauty of the bright blue skies,
The rugged mountain put excitement
in Joey�s eyes.
All these things I barely saw,
for tears and memories
Crowded my mind.
I held the roses in my hand and thought of you,
And with that I knew you were here.
The wind blew softly through my hair
As if a caress, you placed there.
Petals red against the stark brown
rocks of the mountain,
I had to throw them in the air,
As if to let your spirit free to soar.
No matter how many times I think of you,
And know you are safe at home,
I want you back to fill this void
and ease this pain,
I know how selfish that is but I miss you so.
I miss the grouchy and the laughter,
I�d gladly give my life to have you live
But that was not God�s plan,
So I must go on and in some way
Help Brice to know you and never forget. ..
I love you,
MOM
Kyla, expecting Brice at a future date feeding Raven at a family dinner