Suggestion whispers in my ear over soy-decaf-hazelnut-lattes and tells me that, ya know, maybe there IS no more room left for anyone in my heart. Maybe all the vacant rooms that were once occupied have had, like, The Rolling Stones stay the night and they're SO thrashed that none of them can ever be rented out again - or sold. And I listen sometimes. On the occasions that I don't, I am happy healing my wound with the stitches of girl rock, conversations with friends about what once-was and what now-is, successful trips to the mall, playing tag with Alice and lots of other good times (granted, sometimes I wish I had a figurative needle and thread). I am doing my best at the whole "practice what you preach" but the truth is that in love (war?) the rules are simple. Some days are blue and some are so gray. This counts for weeks, too, by the way.

What backs evil Suggestions evil theory is that if I see a member of the opposite sex, now that I am single and open to 'dating' (barf me rivers, oh god...!!) I do not see the 'datability' in anyone. There is always something about them that makes me want to be arms distance away, just friends if that and nothing more. Their values don't match, they don't use their brains, they chew funny, they are too full of themselves, they think they're a home-dawg diggity, they say 'Chichionni' instead of Ciccone, they don't say thank you... there is just something ALWAYS wrong - recently, I find myself in more Jerry Seinfeld moments than ANY of his episodes can divulge. It is a terrible fate, I tell you. I have NO interest in dating anyone at all. I don't WANT to hold anyones hand, I don't WANT to kiss anyones lips and I most certainly do NOT want to be back-raped again. I don't have any interest in investing my time in getting to know a guy better so that:
maybe we can loosely 'date', so that
maybe we can have an actual commitment, so that
maybe we can live together, so that
maybe he can propose to me, so that
maybe we can get married, so that
maybe we can have babies, so that
maybe he can grow old, sit on the couch all day and watch TV.

Perhaps, then, I am not open to 'dating' at all... and yet, I remember how wonderful love felt...

I think when you love and love until you feel it in your bones and you give and give until you feel you have nothing left to give but still try, because you want to, when you become selfless just for another breathing human being and in the end get little or none in return, even though you never expected anything ... ever ... a part of you burns out. For a long time. I don't know if it's forever, but I am almost positive an extent of that pleasure is, that first true love. At least when it comes to the situation you are looking back from, crying.

And then, well, you just feel like me.