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My Journal
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Canada Day festivities today. It was a splendid day. I got up, discovered that I was unable to do any laundry cause the Laundromat was closed, so went home and started organizing crap around me. Wade came out to get me and we went for a ride on Alice. We went to his place first for a drink and then out around the Peninsula as far as McTavish. The country side is so amazing out here and to be riding on a beautifully sunny day on a day when we're celebrating the beginning of a pretty cool country, it was just marvelous. He hit his power band once on start up by mistake. I almost flew off the back of the bike. Me likey. We stopped at The Roost where Brooklyn and Hattie work at a farm caf� to visit (and make Hattie jealous) for a quick bit. And then we headed back down West Saanich and stopped on Oldfield for some raspberries at the place next door to the Nordstroms. It was just cool to sit on a pic nic bench in a tank and jeans with our riding jackets and helmets strewn about us, eating raspberries and talking of the deeper things in life. It was just a quintessential moment of life done well and a scene that I will have to put down on paper some day. After riding we headed into town to meet with Marc and Amanda. We dropped off the car at my place and then we all walked down to Fisherman's Wharf for Barb's fish and chips. We walked around looking at the float houses while waiting for our orders and then we sat on the dock in the sun eating our chips and fish and crab. I had crab. It's messy but I just didn't want to do the heavy greasy fish on such a warm beautiful day. We cleaned up and walked some more of the docks then headed back around the water's edge and found the GREATEST seats ever at the front of the Laurel Point Inn to watch the fireworks. We met up with Brooklyn, Hattie and their friend Christine, and they also brought Caitlyn and her friend Brea. Oh good. Teenagers. I love teenagers. I remember now why I stopped doing youth work. The guys had gone to find sweatshirts and when they came back they came bearing gifts of Jon Blaney and some of his YL guys. So it had gone from 5 or 6 of us watching fireworks, to 17 of us in all. It was actually a really great time. We saw the Nasa space station fly over head. We were sitting next to Mr Martin the old caf guy at Stelly's who retired last year. And we had the greatest seats ever to watch the fireworks show. After making our way back home we drove Marc and Manda home and went to the Hirschfields where lo and behold there were Margaritas for us! I love Rob. Wade and I sat in the Zone for a bit and talked and decided we were both fried so he took me home, where he came in and we talked for like another 2 hours or so. He's a good kid. Some days, I wish he were 8 years older... I'm discovering new things about myself right now. I'm discovering just how deeply I feel when I choose to feel, and then it gets away from me. I think that's why I'm so closed to everyone and why I don't want to let anyone in, cause it's going to end up being intense and I don't want to go there. Life is really weird for me right now. I'm feeling completely unbalanced at this point in that I have great balance in my life with work and my new bike and walking around in town taking things in and friends that I can call on at the drop of a hat, usually anyway, not always and sometimes it feels really alone, which is odd cause I never used to get lonely. When I was living in Egmont I had very few people around me and my evenings and weekends were all spent completely alone except the odd run in with Robin or if I went to Seattle, but I didn't get lonely really. I just got a little bored at times. Now, I think I'm feeling lonely. Maybe that's why I feel so unbalanced, because I'm experiencing emotions and a space of life that I've never been in before. up |
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Mum came and picked me up today. We went to Shawnigan and I did laundry and sat on the dock for hours and went swimming twice, and kayaking looking for Mr Hirschfield's body once...I thought he was missing when it was dark and he wasn't back yet from kayaking. It was a nice day. People were supposed to come up with me, I invited a bunch, but it just wasn't to be.
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I slept in tonight through my alarm. I was later to work than I had wanted to be, but no one was there anyway so it didn't really matter. I like my bike. It was pretty slow and very quiet and I was tired so I really had to push myself to be productive. Janice came home at like 1 or so and I headed off on the bike, who is still nameless, to meet with Marilee out at Elk Lake. That was quite the ride. I'm not going to lie to you, it was quite the ride. But it was nice. I took the bus back into town and rode down Wharf and back out to Cook Street Village to grab some squares from the Moka House and then back home. Chill day. Beautiful and sunny and warm and I was sweaty most of the day and it didn�t really bother me. Thank God for Japan. I've had an inclination to write, but I feel like it's too much of a time commitment and a drawing on my brain. The thought just exhausts me. But it's a thought. It's inspired by Jacques Poulin, La tournee de l'automne. It's simple dialogue. It's a quick conversation of connection without much said and a meeting. up |
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I have no thoughts on today, other than that I can hear Folk Fest going on downtown from my kitchen and bedroom window. I know I should go and join in and experience it, but I just don't feel like it. Oh, and happy Fourth to any of my American friends who read this, although I know no one does so I could go off about the decline of the Roman Empire that is playing itself out again...but I won't. up |
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It's so nice having Chris and Heidi home. I like sharing this space with them. Tonight, I got home from work and doing errands in town and they were just getting back from the market. We made fruit salad with cantaloupe and raspberries and we had fried potatoes. It was such a nice night out that it would have been the perfect deck dinner. But we don't have a deck. So I suggested we go eat out on the green in the middle of Pandora. "That's a fabulous idea. Yes, let's". So we took a bowl of potatoes and a bowl of fruit and a bowl of salsa and a bowl of chips and three forks and my sleeping bag and we eat out on the green in the sun a nice communal meal and discussed life and Italy and homeless people and such. How wonderful it is to have people around who understand me and who engage with me and who are a part of my life around me. I love having Waders around too, but he's so far away, out in booney Peninsula land. I know that it would be great to have him and Brooklyn closer in town here. But it's obviously not meant to be. I will enjoy the two days that I have with Chris and Heids here in our space. And then I will be sad when they're gone. And then I'll be really sad when they come back and we need to find a new living arrangement. Unless of course something else happens, then we may need to work something else out. With some shuffling, I could see all three of us being able to live out of here together with all our comings and goings. I talked to Chris and Yasuko and Riley on Skype tonight. It was so nice to hear Chris and Yasuko's voices. She's been really sick with the pregnancy. I'm excited for them to come in a month's time. It will be great to have that connection. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable in Victoria. It still astounds me how quickly a place can become home. I'm interested in engaging the world around me and going and doing things now. It was a long time coming of being out of sorts and not myself. I attribute it to my bike, having one friend being a pillar of a friend right now, and having really enjoyable summer weather. When I'm surrounded by a good environment it's amazing how quickly my mood and reaction to things can change, and change effortlessly. It just sort of happens, without even realizing it. It's good to take a step back and notice the good days. I still have the odd bad day, but now during the good days, I don't remember the bad. I've definitely become more aware of how much I have blinders on. Whatever situation I'm in, I can't see what it had been like just a bit previously and I can't imagine life any other way. Whether good or bad, it's what I'm in and there's nothing outside of it. up |
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Today ended up being not what I had expected it to be in the beginning. Chris and Heidi and I all had grand plans for today that we made last night. We were going to go for a leisure ride around Dallas Road, sit in the park and at the beach, frequently stop to consume goods. It was not to be. Heidi got sick in the middle of the night and still hasn't recovered from it by 11 tonight. So instead I went out by myself with my still to be named bike. I sat out on the grass in Beacon Hill. I was between two trees, right in the hallway of sun between the two. The grass is green with little patches of some cripies as it's been pretty warm and dry here for a while now. It was nice to feel it on my skin. I didn't bring anything to lay on, so I had "grass disease" all over my mid section and legs. You know, when you've got all the lines in your skin from laying on grass, or the wrinkles that you wake up with on your face from the creases in your pillow case. The sky was a brilliant blue. Heids and Chris and I were talking about being here. When I first came home I found that I breathed deeper with the clearer air and the brilliance around me. They liken it to having greater contrast. Things are clearer here, even just to look at the sky and the trees. There's no smog effect here. Things are whitewashed or clouded. The contrast between colours and the dark and light attributes of our visual reality is greater here. So I was laying on the grass and when I wasn't reading a beautiful Jacques Poulin (my favourite French author), I had to just lay there and stare at the leaves sitting against the sky. It was lovely. It was so nice to be able to sit in the sun where it's warm, but it's enjoyable. It's not hot, it's warm and sunny and green and it's perfectly lovely. So I lay there, reading my book, perfectly content. I figured that after laying there for 2 hours, that it was time to move around a bit. So I headed off on my yet unnamed bike to Fisherman's Wharf where I went into the Moka House and picked up a peanut butter marshmallow cornflake bar and a mango smoothie. I went to the end of one of the dock fingers. I propped up my top to bare my very white, soft midsection and took off my shoes. I sat out there on the end of the dock in the sun and munched away on the sugary goodness and watched the Harbour Air planes take off and the Harbour Tour boats toot around the Inner Harbour. Again, perfectly content. There's a lot of new construction going up across the water on the West Shore. I wonder how they're going to deal with the increase in oil consuming vehicular traffic going across that little bridge. So much of Victoria is totally bike and walkable, and yet so few people do. I headed home after going through downtown and the Inner Harbour walkway. We watched Bend it Like Beckham cause the Godfather was far too gory for the sicky Heidi. Today in the shower I was thinking about God. I've been thinking about how I feel betrayed. I don't trust Him. I feel like He broke my trust. He's like a friend who has broken their word to me and lied to me. If it were a real person, if it were, like, Marcus or someone then I would still always love him, but I wouldn't want to be around him. I wouldn't want to hear about him. I wouldn't want to hear people go on about what a great guy he is because, although I would still love him, I would have seen another side to him that would speak to the opposite of what others had experienced of him. I just don't want to hear about how saving and trust-worthy and almighty that our God is because I have seen Him act contrary to those things. It's not like I want it that way, but until I see otherwise, that is where my heart lies. up |
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I went to the Place tonight with Brooklyn and Hattie. James was speaking, and as per usual the way he communicates sits well with me. He was speaking on 1 John. It talks about the "Fathers", "the Young Men" and the "Children". Each one of us is one of those and everyone of them has a specific job within the church. So he asked us, "Do you see yourself as a kid, an adult, or OLD?" My answer kind of surprised me. I'm an adult. But when did this change happen? What was the turning point when I went from being young to being an adult. It's a definite role with definitive characteristics in my mind, and there's no doubt that it's what I am, but I have to question when it is that this change occurred. I'm glad to be one. Listening to the inane babblings of young women and teenage girls on the bus make me eternally grateful that I am no longer in that age bracket and that I have depth in my world. I like being an adult. I like being calm. I like knowing who I am and being able to be honest with myself in my further processing of who I am. But when did this start? When did it turn the corner? When did I start to sit comfortably in the things of the world? When did I cease to crave greatness and His Glory and to desire quiet and simplicity in my world? Is there a difference in value in either of those ways of living? It seems like everyone thinks that there is a one way to love God correctly and everything that falls outside of that is wrong. And so with everyone thinking there is one then we get a thousand different ways of looking at what is a proper way to live out faith. I have always been a proponent of there being many ways to live out our faith as long as it is within the bounds of the Word. But according to the Word, is it really okay to figure out and work out your faith? If everyone works out their faith then we're going to have as many ways as there are people. It seems that both ways will then end up in the same outcome. As many ways as there are people. The difference would be whether people claim their way is the one correct way, or whether we be gentle with ourselves and our neighbours to be different within the bounds. I can't say, cause otherwise I might be one of the ones saying "there is only one way and that is like this..." but then you also have to be aware that you don't fall into the trap of denying that there is Absolute Truth. I'm feeling rather Paul-ine right now and Romans is springing to mind. "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death..." or argument of circular thinking, as the case may be? I feel guilty being content in my environment. It's what I want about third in my life (the other two things we won't discuss here, anyone who really knows will probably be able to guess what they are though, and if you can't then it means you need to spend more time with me in real conversation because you obviously don't know me), to be content in my environment. To enjoy where I'm living. To enjoy my job on a daily basis. To have the opportunity to commune with intentional friends at least occasionally throughout a week. It's what I want. It's what I craved while I was away on the Coast and in Japan...and now that I seem to have it, I feel terribly guilty. Like I'm betraying those who aren't. Like I'm negating the loss of things that I have had in my life in other places but don't currently have. I don't know if that makes sense. So, for example, I loved working with Terri and having her around me on the Sunshine Coast. I don't have the opportunity to be around her here and she is missing from my life, so I feel like I'm betraying the loss of her in my life by being content with where I am. I know it's insane, but it's how I feel. up |
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We flew out to Atlanta today. I barely slept last night. My mind was racing too much. We left really early and flew straight to Toronto. I had an empty seat next to me, but the other guy in my row was this really wiggy guy. He was middle aged, I found out later he was Dutch and he just couldn�t seem to be still the entire plan ride. I don't know if he was just a 12 year old who was so excited to be going somewhere, or if he was just a wiggy guy all the time. It was an interesting traveling experience for me. I was in no hurry to get to where I was going so I was very aware of the moment in my excursion. Often when I get on a plane, it's all about, "Where am I going? When am I going to get there? How can I distract myself until I get to what I want to do?" But I was where I wanted to be at that time and was able to just enjoy being on a plane and reading and watching the land below me. It was very different from how I usually feel.
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We went and set up the booth today for the Trade Show that starts tomorrow. This building is unbelievable. The one that we're in (you know that if the sentence starts that way in regards to retail merchandising, there is something very wrong with this world) is about 16 floors. Up top it's all permanent show rooms that people go to buy wholesale for their stores. The other, like 8 floors, are all temporary booths with people who are only in for a specific show. Everywhere you look in this downtown core, there are exhibitors. I think I'm going to be in shock tomorrow when all the buyers descend on the area. It's hard enough for me as it is to grasp what I'm doing back home, then to come here and to see this giant cog of useless banality that people believe will give their lives more beauty and worth that I am now a part of...it kind of does a number on your soul. I find myself needing to remember that I hate money and that money does not bring any kind of true happiness into your life. Having some money brings comfort and a possible ease of life if you are aware of what it gives you as opposed to always being focused on the restrictions that it places on your life because you don't have enough. There's three buildings and they are all filled to the brim right now with stuff that absolutely no body needs. There is not one thing in there that I believe any body needs to have in a normal life. There are a few things that are nice to have in a normal life, like a nice rug. But then, that's how the Corrleone's started out in New York. It was all about the nice rug. Most of all in the buildings, it's stuff that just clutters people's lives and distracts them from the emptiness that is their existence and the impending supposed doom that is their concept of death. We sat by the pool for a while after setting up and getting the low down from this very nice man, Jeff, who has a booth across from a friend of Janice's. Seeing that I couldn't find my bathing suit last night and went in my undies that don't look like undies, I decided to go in them again. They're brown. They look like a bikini. They're not! After soaking by the pool for a while, and I do mean soaking as it's outside and the sun is HOT here, we got cleaned up and went to the exhibitor's party just down the street. They had buffet food and you got two drink tickets as soon as you went in the door. There was a live band up on the third floor that were actually not a really sucky cover band. They played the usual cover tunes of what you would expect, particularly to a group of middle aged sales people in the South, a little Sweet Home, a little Brickhouse. My favourite had to be the Stevie, Superstition. Well done. I only managed to get Janice up for one dance though, and then the band was through. Very much a disappointment. Before that, we ate out on the stairs and talked with some nice folks from Cali who have a doggy spa line. Oh wow. Talk about things that people don't need, and of course they go all in to this philosophy on how owning a dog now is different than it used to be and that there are pet owners, like the kind that just hose off their pups in the yard, and pet parents, where the pet is really an integral part of the family. Interesting take. But let's be honest. You're in business to make money and that's the bottom line. I know that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. I think the products are pretty great, but I'm not in it because I believe that the world needs this out there or else the world is incomplete. I'm in it to make money. Which is probably why I'm having such a difficult time of it all. up |
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The first day of the Trade Show. I cannot get over how much crap there is in this world that people have decided they need. Oh my word. Astounding. It's mostly all crap around us, with the odd one that's actually pretty good. My shoulders hurt soooo much. I should have gone to the Chiropractor before leaving. Standing there for hours on end with really nothing to do is actually harder than I thought. It's not like I have a problem doing nothing, but I have a problem with doing nothing and having to look like I'm supposed to be doing something. There's these crazy women across from us. They're a great time, and totally Texas in a box. Across and over from them are these stuffed bear guys. The main sales guy at that booth won't stop watching me. Odd, and kind of annoying. Okay, so you can look at me, but don't just keep watching. Either come and talk to me, or stop watching me, your choice. I don't like that. We went for "Japanese" food once the day was over. It was pretty sad, and very little about it was Japanese.
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More standing around in the booth today. The guys across from us are a great group of people. Lots of fun. Once we were done we headed to the hotel to wash up a bit and then hit the Olympic Centennial Park for a big celebration commemorating the tenth anniversary of having the Olympics here in Atlanta. Bob Costas (sports announcer guy) MC'd the night. There was bunch of athletes and politicians and the like making speeches and video clips about all sorts of good feeling stuff. And then Tricia Yearwood played and there were fireworks. Nothing compared to what I've seen before, but for a North American display they were actually pretty good. Interesting that it seemed like most of the time was leading up to a climax. Like, the whole point is this climax of the show. Why can't it just be about watching the show and enjoying the moment that you are in, enjoying the moment of fireworks that you're seeing because in a moment more, it will be gone and past. Such a pity to not realize the beauty that is existing right before you because you're too distracted waiting for the next big bang. I like fireworks. They're great.
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Janice let me sleep in today so I didn't have to start sitting around the booth till like half past eleven. The rest of the day went really fast and easy cause we just kept switching positions. I checked email a few times and went shopping in the cash and carry section to buy jewelry for myself. All the exhibitors around us are getting really lax. We're all goofing off and chatting with each other. It's a funny environment because it's all these Type A personalities as Sales people, who are all having to stand around and be quiet. After the show, I went home and sat and ate some Dill Pickle chips while Janice was down at the pool. We watched a movie on the in-house system and that's it.
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It was a nice short day at the show today. We packed up the booth and the bear booth guy watched me the whole time. He's a total loser, either come and talk to me or stop staring at me. When we left we said goodbye to them and he wouldn't even look at me when he said bye. Such a freaking tool. Men need to suck it up and just be normal...but then I'm one to talk cause I get all tongue tied when there's someone that I've decided is worth my attention. I get all freaky and intense. And that freaks the hell out of them cause those are the kind of guys that I get all freaky and intense over. I have decided that America sucks. I have said it for a while, America is going to fall. After spending a week down here in the South and watching some of the tv here, I have decided that the end is sooner than anyone is ready for. This whole culture is completely turned on its head. It's ridiculous and horrible. The children are spoiled and have no idea what it is to be a real human. The entire culture is driven on youth and image, both of which are fleeting. The government is built upon ideals that cannot be sustained. I so wish to ask a conservative American how they feel about not living in a democracy. The senate, or whatever the hell, just passed a bill to extend stem-cell research and the President had already said that he will veto it if it passes. How is that democracy? The people speak and the one man says that he knows what's best so let me fix your wrong choice. It's not even that I agree or disagree with the issue, I honestly have very little opinion on stem cell research because I only know what the mass media has told me about it. "It's evil" or "It will cure all that ails you". It's that within the structure of this government the President, one man, can over-rule the decisions of a group of people who are supposedly acting for the people. Which brings me to my next item on my list. It's not like I even believe that the vote that passed was a vote that reflected the ideals and wishes of the common man. It was passed because of lobbying done by the corporations who stand to profit from any discoveries made through stem-cell research. I could go on, but I need to pack as we're leaving the hotel at 1:30 am Victoria time. Time to start returning to the usual time zone. Tomorrow could be a bit of a bitch. up |
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Today was a total bitch, and honestly it feels like far more than just one day. We woke up at what was 1:00 am Victoria time. It's now 10:00 pm Victoria time. Good times. Good times. The flight from Atlanta to Toronto was uneventful and totally lame in a really lame plane. No movie, no tv, no anything. Snacks that you could buy at OUTRAGEOUS prices...there was that. I watched the sun come up. It was stunning. It started as a brilliant, deep red sliver and it got big really fast. I was surprised how fast the whole thing happened. The flight from Toronto to Vancouver was painfully slow. It felt like the longest plane ride in my life. I think the flight to London went much faster. We were delayed and then hit strong head winds, so it ended up being a much longer ordeal than it needed to be. I love it when you've been gone for a week and your friends don't even notice. "Oh, you were away? Where did you go?" Feel the love. Marc N Manda called to invite me to a battle croquet game tonight. Despite being brain dead, I decided it would be a good thing to keep me awake. We went and played in Mount Doug Park with Jord and Schaffer. It was a good time. I was in a tight jean skirt. I definitely could have chosen more appropriate clothing for the event. So the idea is that you each get at least one wicket, if not two, to place where ever you like in the playing area. The playing area is usually a park or a field with varying terrain. There's no set order to the wickets, but once a player has gone through a wicket then the that is the next wicket that everyone has to go through, so the order is set based on the which wicket is played first. Once the first person is through a wicket, the next wicket played will be the next one in the order. So the really slow players will end up having an order of several wickets that they have to play, but the players who are making the shoots quickly (and most importantly, first) don't have a set order, rather, are setting the order. And of course you can let 'er rip on any ball that you tap with your own ball like in real croquet so it results in great insults and bad charma. Good times. Good times. I've been up for 21 hours now so it really is time to pass out. up |
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I cleaned and unpacked today. Took me about 4 hours to get this place to a state that I'm comfortable in. Manda called and she met me at the grocery store. I had no food left in the house, save for some noodles and some V-8. But it's too hot to cook noodles. We've had another heat wave. It's not so bad. At least it's not muggy. Outside isn't even so bad...it's this flat that gets direct sun from about 10 am until sun down. There's only one window that really opens and stays open on its own. All the others I have to jam open. So Manda and I hung out at my hot place for a bit then went and made dinner at her place with Marc and her brother Brendan. Tonight, Marc, Manda and I went to Beacon Hill Park to Illuminara. It's this crazy festival they've had a for a while where people get all dressed up and take lanterns into the park. Some of them are really elaborate and some of them are home made that people carry around on a pole. All are beautiful, especially after dark when the whole park is alive with fairy creatures and glimmering lights. There was one girl with fairy wings who does this cool fire rope thing sometimes down at the Inner Harbour. She was doing her twisty twirly thing with Glow Sticks on the end of her ropes. They would swirl up over her head and then twist around her body and themselves and then fly over to one side and back up over her head in circles and all in perfect sync without getting tangled. Eventually I lost Marc and Amanda. They were heading towards an accordion player while I was taking a picture of a lantern of St Anne's Academy. I had barely gone 30 feet when the accordion stopped so I had absolutely no point of reference as to which direction they were in. So I stayed in the area, text messaging a friend of mine, calling their names, for about a half hour or so. Then I gave up and headed home. Watched Say Anything with an old friend. Evidently the movie is just "Okay"...bah! "Okay"?? Whatever. It's fabulous. up |
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I got up to go to the Latin Carribean Festival. They had Salsa dancing and these guys from West Africa and Sara Marrieros who does Portugese Fado music. She's fucking fabulous. I stayed longer in the sun than I had intended to listen to her. I got burnt.
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I lost my job today. I was finally feeling happy, like I was in a good space. I could see myself living like this for a while, at least a year, if not more. I would say, "I guess it's not meant to be", but honestly that's just a load of shit. What it comes down to is that other than for about a year and a half of the 4 years at Malibu, I really haven't been happy or content with my place in life since the start of 99. It all started pretty much May 15th, 1999, and ever since then I've felt completely unhinged and floating, other than brief times of disillusioned lucidity in 2001 through to 2002. Finally felt like I was carving out a piece of this earth where I could be. Now it's all just as fucked up as it's ever been.
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I found out tonight that it's going to be possible for me to get up to camp tomorrow morning by plane. Crazy that it's going to happen so soon. I was supposed to hang with Wade tonight, and did for a bit, but I think I'm trying to do too many things all at once and I really needed to go home and pack and water plants and head out to Mum and Dad's because much of tomorrow is still up in the air.
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Made it up to camp through unlawful means. Good fun. Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. We'ah hunting wabbits. I got thrown into the office really quickly as Christy is on her week out and Linda had to go back to the Landing early cause Harry quit his job two days ago. I felt completely out of control as soon as I got in and the questions were flying and I hated not having the answers cause I used to but now I don't, which in hindsight I totally love because it means that I've moved on from that place but at the time was scary. There's a fabulous little thing from Tennessee, Amelia, who's the Office Assistant right now. She's sweet with just the perfect amount of sass. I'm a fan. Very cool peeps up here right now. The A-Team is a great collection of rad people. The WC bosses seem a little week, but the Program, SS Coord's, Manager and Speaker are all good people that I know and love. I love that Z is the Manager! I flipped out when I saw his name on there. So much fun. It will be good to see how he does over the next week. He's so cut and dry on so much that it will be interesting to see how he acts when he hits a gray area. up |
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I got to help with Ropes today. I overheard a convo in the office that they needed another person to spare off people, so I volunteered. I was harnessing. Loved it. Loved the connection with kids again. Makes this place seem real again. A tangible reason to be there. As opposed to some ideological reason that exists in your brain as you organize and shift numbers and bodies and counts and cash.
Oh, I totally didn't mention before that Megs is up here right now. On the first day, when I arrived, I looked through the housing lists to get an idea of camp and who was here for Assignment and Leaders and areas. And lo and behold, there was San Fran, with Megs as a leader. So incredible that we would connect up here. It's been like 6 years since I first met her here and it's such a complete circle that we would reconnect while here after not seeing each other for 2 years. Such a blessing. She was on Ropes today with her area while I was harnessing up.
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I'm feeling even more out of control than I have been. It's the day before boat day and I know there's a tonne of stuff to get ready and I don't have a complete concept of what it's to look like because so much has changed since I was here. Again, like yesterday, it's this weird balance of being so glad that things have progressed past me, but hating that I don't know the answer. Part of it is my pride, that I want to be still thought of as the one around who will have the answers. I have to confess that I liked hearing Z and Brice say, "Oh, there's Michelle, let's ask her, she'll know". Deluded as they may be, it was a pride booster, and I don't think it was in a good way. The other part of wanting the answer for people is that I want them to have an easy resource for what they are trying to do. This part of me doesn't care if it's me personally or someone else, but it's so darn confusing up there and communication is so important that I want them to be able to get their answer quickly and easily. I'll be so glad when Christy comes and I'll be able to chill out and get away from this space that makes me crazy.
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Boat day can come and go so quickly. It's weird with the late sailing. So good to have Christy back in the office. She had no idea I was here and so she was floored when she saw me. Glad to be out of the office. After the madness of Boat Day was over, I headed to the Lodge to Terri and Harold's place. Terri and I sat and talked for a few hours. I got a tonne of stuff off my chest and we worked through a thousand things and I fully unloaded a tonne of crap that is all intertwined and mixed up in my brain. It all is linked but I haven't been able to make head or tail of any of it because it was all sitting in there in these little boxes that I had to put each thing in to separate it so that I could deal, but then there were too many little boxes and my brain felt like it was going to explode. Now I see a lot of it for the thing that it is and how it relates to other things. I felt released from a whole lot of emotions and thoughts and lies. I cried and talked and listened and it was so good. A really big release. I spent the night out on the floor. In the middle of the night I could hear the cat flitting about and figured she was playing. I opened my eyes at one point to see something very small jut under the living room table, next to which I was sleeping. I got up really quickly. I watched and waited but saw nothing again. So I went to lay back down when I looked over to the kitchen table. I was almost all the way down so I was really looking under, when I saw the cat next to a chair, and on the rung of the chair was sitting a medium sized rodent with a long fluffy tail. I jumped back up again without knowing what I had just seen. I went over to Harold and Terri's door and knocked. Harold answered and I popped my head in, "Um, the cat, um, cat is chasing some large rodent, um, cat, um rodent. Yeah". He was perplexed and couldn't find Terri. Terri was in the washroom. She came out, having heard voices and asked him what was going on. He, in his confusion, thought the cat was chasing a bear. They both came out of the room, even more perplexed than I was and we discovered that the cat was chasing a squirrel around the suite. They chased it out with a broom, totally without my help, and we all headed back to bed. How eventful. up |
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