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My Journal
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The next morning I slept in. I could hear all the radio calls going on. Christy had slept in as well, and between the switch from me and Terri in the office to her, there was some confusion as to what was supposed to be happening. It was funny to listen to. "Hello Office, what needs to go on the Laker?" "Um, I think a box does." "I thought it was money" "I think it's just the mail that needs to go out" "Nope, the mail went yesterday". They figured it all out without me. Ah.
I headed back home to get cleaned up. I put on a skirt and a fun top and headed to the office for late morning / afternoon. I got in to the back of the office with a new determination. I got rid of all the crap and cleaned up the "washroom" back there and consolidated all the crap that we need to keep so that it all fit on two shelves. It took most of the day, plus the other afternoon of ridding the place of gross water-damaged boxes, and now it's pretty. I also took some time in the afternoon to write a letter. That's all I have to say about that.
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I spent all last night puking my guts out. It was a great night to begin with, I spent it out with Christy on the deck talking for like 3 hours about life and God and boys and it was great. Then I felt I needed to go to bed. I didn't really sleep though and then it hit me. Not a pleasant time. I have to say that Anna Tormey is my new hero. I saw Dr Deon who attended to me. He's quite wonderful. I was being ornery. I spent the rest of the day time sleeping in the lounge. I finally got up around 5 or so. Terri had brought me a get well basket with some food and juice in it for when I felt well enough to get anything down. I didn't really use it much, except for the juice and the water. It took me all day to finally completely eat the banana. In the late afternoon, I decided that I had had enough of the Tili lounge and I thought of the Float House. TV. Couch. Ian had gone home for the weekend. Brian was up descending One Eye with Josh. Perfect. I mentioned it to Terri then eventually made my way through the back road around the gym and vegged out on the couch in front of the tv. I didn't feel pukey any more, but I was exhausted and dehydrated. I had these really intense stomach cramps. Intense sharp pain that made me curl into a ball and whimper. The slightest thing would set it off. Water. Tums. Breathing. It was really horrible.
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I managed to get some soy milk and rice crispies from the kitchen and into my stomach from where they didn't move back up again. I tried to read, but mostly just slept and laid there. I made some buttons in the office for Amelia. They thought I was joking when I said that I had overexerted myself. I went back to the lounge and slept for 2 hours. Then I managed the saddest game of 21 ever with a friend in the gym. I helped Amelia roll some coin, and then again, that was quite enough for me and I went to go rest again.
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We left camp today after Boat Day was completed. There's a bunch of them all heading out on the West Coast Trail together for their "Beyond" trip with Harold. It was a slow bumpy go in the Laker, but we made it in pretty good time, and, most importantly, in front of the Princess. We hit the Landing running and made it out before any of them were on the dock. We spent the night at the Aments' place in Garden Bay. We had a salmon dinner that was already cooked for us by the Malibu kitchen, so we tossed it on the BBQ and sat down to eat all family style. The Aments are here at their place right now as well, so it was cool to see them. I liked that Doug recognized me and was glad to see me. I still feel really out of place most of the time and can't seem to get my footing. I feel really weird around people. I don't know if it's because I feel like my time there has passed and I'm treading where I'm not meant to be...but that's quite silly because there are people with much longer histories than mine and who continue to come up and continue to be a part of the community at large, like the Aments. I haven't put my finger on it yet as to why I feel all freaky deaky. Maybe later. Us girls stayed on their boat and the boys are with Harold in the Richerts' suite above the garage. Me, Amy and Sarah Steele went and sat out on the front of the boat and talked for a long time. I really like Amy a lot. We then had a tea party on the boat once Lindsay came down. Two of the guys came down separately to check out the boat and check on us ladies. Neither could be convinced to stay for tea. We all bedded down for the night and the brief hours we were to get before getting up at the butt crack. I froze most of the night cause I didn't have a sleeping bag. up |
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What an adventure today!! We headed off really early from the Aments, having not seen or heard from one of the guys's luggage. We picked up the Sunshine Coast boys from the Petro Can. The trip down was pretty usual. Warren was trying to redirect his luggage to anything in front of us that they could get it to. He was having no luck. We sat on ferries, we sat in the van, we sunned our stomachs (or at least us girls did), it was all pretty usual. I remember a time when all these sorts of trips and excursions used to be adventures, times to hold in my memory of life at its finest. I seem to have lost that view. Now it's just the usual trip to and from the island. When did I loose that grasp of the Now and the Moment? We got to the Nanaimo airport in hopes that Warren's luggage would have made it there. Again, no luck. He spent a good long time on the phone with completely useless people. Some of my favourite lines I got to hear while standing a few steps away from him, "I didn't have to clear customs, Nanaimo and Vancouver are in the same country" "I'm in Nanaimo airport and it's not here I just checked" then the guy goes to verify this (somehow he can verify it better than Warren even though the guys in like India or something at some call centre) and comes back on with "It's not in Vancouver, are you in Vancouver?" and Warren's favourite would be that the guy leaves him on hold for about 5 mintues and comes back directly with this "Hello, have you found your luggage yet?" Um, no. Not while I've been standing here, no it has not magically appeared in front of me. So after all that drama, we headed to Victoria for the MEC so he could buy all new gear. Sucky. I loved having everyone there in my town. Amy and I went for a trek up the street to #4 to drop off my pack and pick up my bike, which still does not have a name. We all banded together again for a late lunch/early dinner at Earls. Then they were off in search of greater adventures to be had in Port Renfrew. Ah. Renfrew. I told them that if they were bored tonight, they needed to find a motion sensor light to see how close they could get to it without setting it off. That's the sport of choice while in Renfrew, camping, and bored to tears. up |
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My first day back in my comfy little flat. I didn't set an alarm or anything. I was just going to wake up when I did. And I did. At 7:40 am. Stupid Jackhammer. Michelle was not pleased. "Come on! You're joking me! Be a little decent! I mean really, it's not even 8 in the morning yet. You've got to be kidding me!" All said in a whiney pathetic voice on the verge of tears. I sat around. I wrote. I read the bible. I went to the library. I rode my bike. It was a perfectly pleasant day to be on my own and in my own space. I used to feel awkward not having people around or someone to call. Now I'm quite content in my little space. It was like this in Japan too. I guess I just had to adjust my perception of Victoria as somewhere where I belong and have community, to being a place just like any other in the world where I am on my own and need to be content in that.
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Dropped Mum off at the airport with Dad this morning at the butt crack of not even dawn. We had to get her checked baggage back and repack her stuff cause they wouldn't let her on with any "liquid" matter. That somehow includes toothpaste and foundation. Turned out, later in the day, the reason for it was that Britain caught 21 terrorists in Heathrow bound for America. This world is massively messed up. I can't see any viable end to all of this. After Dad dropped me off I booted around here for a bit. Talked to Nen. Picked up my bike. Looked online for teaching jobs overseas. I found one in Poland that looked decent. I don't think I'm going to leave yet. I have no idea what the next few months will hold or where I will be come December, but I have no stress about it. Maybe I should have more, be more ambitious about where I will be. I don't know if it's Faith, or just apathy. I guess that they may look the same if there's been no action on my part, but the difference would lie in the moment when the word is spoken to move. If it's Faith, then it'll bring immediate action, whereas slothness would continue to live in a state of "it will come" even after it has. I'm happy to not be doing anything right now, and yet I find myself moving about at any time. I don�t have a tv and rarely listen to the radio, so it's not like I'm just being distracted into the movement of time. I feel really flakey having an intangible goal. Like some rose-coloured glasses wearing spiritualist who has lost all grasp on the reality of the world, "I'm just going to be one with my thoughts". I still don't get expectation of payment for artistic output. That should be your own thing. I just haven't balanced it in my mind yet, commercialism and art. They seem so incongruent to each other and yet in the new North American culture it seems that they're expected to co-exist. Where is it that a life takes a turn? How do people end up where they are? What are the events that can impact one person and have no effect on another? The path and direction of lives are so intertwined and such a mystery. I just watched Sleepers. It makes me question the path that people take. Four boys, all exposed to the same environment, three different outcomes. Speaks to the power of support. Talked to Riley on the phone today. Last week she found a 16 year old kid trying to commit suicide. She was able to save him. She talked about the kids having no one to talk to, no support, in the community. Makes me want to be that person in a small town. Makes me question the self-absorption of all around a teenager that they can't be adult enough not to take it personally when a kid doesn't want to talk and to stay right where they are. up |
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I woke up this morning to a beautiful day at the lake. It wasn't perfect as it was quite windy, but the sun was out so I hit the dock for a bit after starting to clean up the kitchen and the floors and stuff. We waited around most of the day. Dad and Ryan went out to get supplies for Dad's projects that he's working on while Mum's away, and supplies for the party tonight. Chris and Yasuko finally called to say they were on their way around 3 or so. Shortly after that, Dave and Jen showed up in the boat. Once the Bracken/Kobayashi's arrived, we all hit the dock. The boys went swimming while us ladies sat on the dock and talked and laughed at their diving skills, or lack thereof. Ryan was having a great time doing his usual, run down the dock and dive into the water, that he would do for hours on end as a kid. What is it about diving into the water, the feeling of having the water engulf your body at a high velocity, that is so fascinating that we feel the need to do it over and over? Is it the splash? Is it the initial change in the body's environment? Is there something reverse birthing about it...going from air to water, as opposed to birth which is going water to air...a reversal of that state? What ever it is, it's fun and the boys were totally into it. I almost went, but my vanity got the best of me and I didn't feel like getting my hair wet, or to chance it that my boobs could pop out of my suit. That would be horribly embarrassing. As the afternoon went on, more people showed up down on the dock until we had a dock full. It was a good day. up |
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Chris and Yasuko spent the night at the lake last night. We all got up and Ryan made us breakfast. A massive breakfast. Eggs with goodies in it, ham, bacon, fried potatoes. A total treat. Yasuko was very surprised with Ryan cooking and cleaning everything up. We got a bit of a late start, but whatever, I got to drive Mum's Mini up to Duncan, so I'm happy. It was a perfectly beautiful day. The weather was what we should have had yesterday for sitting on the dock, not for sitting in the truck. We all met up at the Bracken's, parked our vehicles and went off in the truck Chris was driving for Carmanah Valley. It's a long way. The drive was quite the distance, interrupted only by the odd sight, and the odd sign that got us very confused by saying that the road ahead was closed. We figured we'd go till we either got there, or couldn't go any further. It worked out well. So three and a half hours after leaving Maple Bay, we arrived at the parking lot for the Provincial park. We trekked off down the path, which seriously went down. It was a beautiful walk being with good friends and family. We stopped all along the way to eat the most delicious huckleberries I think I've ever had. It became addicting. Every bush that we found that was loaded, we stopped at and munched away. There were also some wild blueberries, but they weren't as good as the huckleberries. We walked through lush green moss covered forest. The path is now all boardwalk all through the park. It seems to fit at first, but then I started to realize how foreign it really is to the area, but I guess that it keeps the impact lower cause it keeps people on the path more. There were a few bends where we would come around a corner and in front of us was a stretch of 50 feet of boardwalk in front of us, curving around the trees with the light streaming through their canopy branches above. It was positively enchanting and I think I stopped breathing on a couple of occasions. It was a perfect late afternoon. The sun had been shining all day and now was low and deep in the trees. The lights and shadows that it created were deep and warm. The trees were huge down there. At a grove of particularly interesting trees (about 27 stories high), there's a sign about this guy who put the place on the map. He and a friend set out, I think in the late 80's or so, in search of the fabled giants in the forest that was slated for slaughter. I can't imagine being him and coming across those groves and the river surrounding it, being the first people to really take an interest in the area. And then to go back and have people probably really apathetic to what they were trying to protect. That's an adventurous spirit that I would have liked to have known. What would he have been like, what would that have looked like, what would he have gone after, if he had lived now? We trekked back up the hill after more tree viewing and berry eating. Yasuko tried to get Chris to push her up the hill. I don't think that her pregnant Tokyo living body is used to hiking around centuries old forests. She was a total trooper. The drive back ended up being shorter by about a half hour than driving in. The best part was the 3 hour long game of "Avoid the Potholes for Points". Chris kept trying to gain points by missing big potholes, while we all just kept deducting points for every rut that he hit. We'd hit a washboard section and Yasuko would go off in the ShotGun seat, "Minus five points, minus three points, minus seven points". It kept us all laughing and entertained for far longer than it should have with any other normal adult human beings. We're easily amused. It was a day that I hope to remember for a long time. It was a day of history that we will tell Pepe Gonzales (that's what Chris calls the baby) when he gets bigger. "Your mum hiked all the way into the Carmanah when she was pregnant with you. You've been in the presence of trees that would take 27 of you all linking hands to circle around and that are hundreds and hundreds of years old. You didn't know it, but you were there, inside your mum's tummy." That's what childhood stories are made of. up |
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I slept till like 10 this morning. Got up and spent just over an hour out on the dock reading some Chomsky in the brilliant sunshine. I went up to the house and got some stuff cleaned up, made some food and talked to Dad who had just woken up for about the third time today. He's sick so he keeps going back to bed. Everything to get to camp for Friday morning is all coming together. It's too easy. Something must be wrong, or must go wrong. It just can't be all this easy. My transportation to get to Nanaimo is all falling into place and working for both me and Dad. Staying with friends is all working out smoothly. Getting a ride up the Coast seems to be falling into place. Even as simple as getting my doctor's appointment moved to tomorrow!! I called to cancel and could rebook for tomorrow afternoon. How crazy is that! I'll pack everything up tomorrow and then chill for Wednesday and put the finishing touches on everything before Dad comes to get me in the afternoon/evening. I even got to spend like 2 hours with a friend tonight just sitting and talking and connecting. We had a great convo. She's such a great kid and processes things well. She feels like her life is in a constant state of change lately. I hope that she never gets overwhelmed, but always grasps the adventure. It's odd that things have turned out the way they have for the past three weeks. I'm in a completely different space and state of mind. I wanted nothing more than to build in one place and to stay in one place. Now it feels like I can't even conceptualize what that would look like if given the opportunity. A friend asked me today if I have any long term goals or plans. I have never had long term goals. In school, when you have to fill out those forms and blanks giving tangible goals to reach the dreams of what you want to do when you grow up...I always made stuff up. I don't even remember what I put down half the time, I just remember thinking it was the most useless exercise ever because there's no telling what will come up in the future. They tried to make me decide what I wanted to study, even as far back as Middle School the teachers and counselors would ask you those questions. How was I to know that I would come in contact with some of the greatest minds in Linguistic theory years later that would spur me on within that discipline to learn all that I could that could touch on human communicative tools, ie. human language. One thought I found interesting today was listening to a friend share about her sister being angry and hurt by the family business for taking away their "family time". I wasn't going to say anything but she pressed me a little bit more. I need to learn how to keep my expressions more neutral when I feel strongly about something. I find it very interesting that her sister is so vehemently opposed to the very thing that gives her the life and privilege that she has. They are very lucky girls. They are very well cared for and are very privileged. It seems to have been lost on her where that privilege has come from. My friend has spent time and worked with the family business and although it's not her focus she has that connection with her parents more than her sister. Whereas her sister has rejected the business and won't go near it, but demands that her parents come to her, in her space, in her time, for their "family time". I've met other people who feel the same way and I just can't seem to get my head around that train of thought. up |
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At least it wasn't 7:40 like it was last time. At least it wasn't a jackhammer. Instead it was quarter past eight and it was a gravel vibrator filling in the giant hole that they created last week with the jackhammer. I packed up the house today. It took me all day, plus time to go to the doctor, video store (a few times) and the library. It shouldn't have taken so long. I was definitely procrastinating. It's not like there was a tonne to do, it was just all disorganized so it took me twice as long to wrap my head around it all. But it's done and this is my last night here in this apartment. I'll miss it. I love the space, I love the building (minus the rat in the wall and the silverfish...those I don't like at all), I love how close it is to town, I love shopping at Welburn's. It's just a good spot and I'm thankful for the three and a half months that I've been here. Has it only been that long?? Why does it feel like I've been here a lot longer. Probably because I've been through a lifetime of change since arriving here. up |
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It's taken me two days to get here, but I've finally made it up to Malibu. I moved out of #4 on Wednesday after spending a positively pleasant time with Waders in the morning. There's just something about good deep convo's on the beach followed up by treats at the Moka House that makes for a positively pleasant time. Then Dad met us at #4 and we put everything in the back of his truck to take to the lake. I spent the night there, then up to Nanaimo on Thursday (yesterday) to take the ferry over. I met Carolyn on my second ferry for the day and we drove up to her place. Chris and Leah had dinner all ready for us when we arrived. Their place has the coolest garden. It's totally well established. Crazy blueberry bushes and blackberries across the road, pears, cherries, garlic...all the good stuff. We decided to head down to the "Night Market" in Sechelt which was essentially four tables with patio umbrellas and a cool guy playing guitar over a loud speaker. Chris knows the guitar player. He said something about the guy going down for some big guitar competition in the States or something and he either took the whole thing, or placed really high. I can't remember the details, but the guy is good is the point of that story. We strolled around, went and got a movie and some yummy gelato for back at the house. That was my adventure up until last night. This morning, Chris drove me up to the old Lord Jim's turn off to meet Ky and his family who had so graciously offered a seat to me in their car up to Egmont. We stopped in Madeira for the best hashbrowns ever. I will definitely need to go back up. We caught the Princess with the Adult Camp going in. I slept out on the top deck for most of it, trying to avoid people that I didn't know as much as possible. Call me unsociable, that's fine, I'll claim it, that's mine. So now I'm here and in the Trader. I love the girls we have on Main Street right now. They're all so All Star. I hope to get some stuff cleaned up for Terri, seeing that the girls are so fab, means that I don't have to do too much for them. I unfortunately missed both Terri and Brandon this morning. They had left before we had even arrived at Egmont. It's the way it goes. Shoganai. I'm really glad to be here. up |
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I had a really chill day today. About one of the easiest days I've ever worked here. In the morning we took the girls out to the Lodge for a special fun time as a wrap up for their time here. The Goff ladies had set up a Spa time thing for us with foot baths and nail polish and everything girly like that. From there we hit lunch. After lunch we opened the stores. April and Amy's sister flew in this afternoon so I covered for April in the Trader when her sister first got here. After their hello's they kicked me out to take the afternoon off. So I went to sit out on Flag Point for a bit to read until it got too cloudy and decided to go have a nap inside. I was woken up by the recall horn which meant it was Work Staff dinner that I needed to eat at. After dinner I went and lay in bed for a bit, trying not to fall asleep. I sat with Sharon for a bit, I found Alysson Thicke who's up as a Beyond guide and talked to her for a few minutes. Now I'm writing. How terribly difficult of a day. I often don't know what to do with myself around here if I'm not working. Yesterday I did a tonne and found that I couldn't stop until a job was done. I didn't finish one of my projects, but the others I did. Even if I just meant to start something, just do a bit, I couldn't leave it until I saw it through. I pretty much went straight through from Breakfast until 11:30 last night. Just couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. If I stop, I think and I really don't feel like thinking right now. Tonight, after dinner, as I lay in bed I started to slow down and to think. Mostly what I had to think about was the lack of thinking that I do here. What would I do with a free afternoon in Victoria in #4 this past summer. I'd sit there. I'd look out the window. I'd write. I'd make something good to eat. I'd go for a bike ride or a walk. It was all slower. Everything had time to percolate in my brain. I don't know if it's that I get over whelmed seeing everything that needs to be done around here. I don't know if it's that I take too much responsibility for things around here. I don't know if it's that I don't like leaving things "for someone else" if I don't see this magical, ever elusive "someone else" doing what needs to be done. Yesterday I cleaned Tili. It started with me just putting the crap that was every where in the L&F in the hall. Then it went to taking out the garbage, to wiping down the counters, to scrubbing the sinks, to wiping a part of the floor, to doing all the stall floors, to all the toilets, to the whole floor, to the shower room floor, to vaccuming the hall, to vaccuming a few rooms. There was just no stopping, everything lead into something else. They were all appreciative and all. Some asked why I was doing it, "Cause it's a pit and nobody else is doing what needs to get done." So then today, I was taking out one garbage can. That's all. Just one. And one of the girls said, "Michelle, stop. Stop cleaning for us." My response was, "It needs to be done and no one else is doing it. I'll stop when it doesn't need to be done because someone else has done it." And I think that that sums up how I feel about things here. There's always stuff to be done. The things that everyone else can look after, I don't usually do them (other than clearing the tables and the like that are just polite for me to do for myself, not like I'm going to create work for someone if I can help it), it's the stuff that no one else has time for, or the eyes for(!!!), that I feel the most drawn to doing. I don't think I really have any point to sum up from all of that to have any say as to what the heck I'm doing here right now, but those are my thoughts for the day. up |
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I don't have much to say about today. I got some stuff done for Terri in the Trader and I have to go back tonight to finish up because she comes back tomorrow and I don't want it to be all a mess when she walks in the door, which it is currently. It was a pretty usual day on Main Street. Open in the morning. Have lunch. Open in the afternoon, go around and check on all the areas throughout the day cause it was Amy's day off. Have dinner. I played horseshoes after dinner. I'll probably go dance tonight with the campers. It's family camp in right now so the place is over-run with little bodies. I think there's something like 150 kids under the age of 12 here right now. Big change from the usual 200-300 15 to 18 year old guests. Last week kinda sucked cause it was all adults and they really were even more "too cool for school" than the teenagers that we get. There was no getting them to do anything (one guy at the pool even told the pool guard "I'm older than you so I'll do what I want"!) and they were constantly 10 to 30 minutes late for absolutely everything. We've got stuff going on tonight that the little ones will be so excited for, and then we've got a dance that I think they'll have a good time at. Who doesn't want to dance with their Mum or Dad when they're like 6 years old. I know I did. I still would. Especially my dad. The guy who's doing music had a concert last night and he did a song about a time with his daughter, who's now almost 9, when she asked him to dance in the middle of a Starbucks. There's something about a girl dancing with her dad. I'm looking forward to seeing that tonight in the families around us.
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All is quiet Shh, whisper Listen You can't hear anything but the stupid crows that I want to take down with a sling shot even if they are one of God's creations, and the rush of the rapids Everyone has left The Rock save 10 of us and 6 of them out on the Goff's property. It's so nice and peaceful. Nothing to do but fold the mounds of laundry, enjoy the peace, and chat with each other as we go. It's pretty darn good. up |
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