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My Journal
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We are leaving for Malibu today. Spent the night in Nanaimo at Nenny and Ry's place last night. We've got Angus with us too. We watched the Life Aquatic the whole way up so by the time we got to Egmont, I was car sick. I've never been car sick on that road in my life. I used to live in Egmont. Never. Crazy. So when we got there I felt the need to go sit in the bathroom for a while, that was after seeing Kirk and Jenny and being totally excited to see them. I knew she was going to be there on Crew with me, but Kirk as a camper was a total surprise. I went up on the Princess. I fairly novel experience for me. I experienced the welcome. Also a novel experience. I didn't see it as a camper cause we took the Papoose up. I saw it as a guest for National Conference in about 1997, maybe 98. I think I saw it another time coming up with campers on the boat, but usually I would be heading into camp on some random flotation or aerial device or on the Princess on a dead head at some ungodly hour of the morning. But I got to see the welcome. How fun. As soon as we were at the dock I saw Harold and he handed off the deposit bag for me and got me to run the mail up. I loved it. Made me feel like I was home. It was a different home though, cause I knew it wasn't my job and that he didn't have to do it, but it was a nostalgic like "for old times" kind of a moment. We got right into things and found that I was on Main Street which I was quite delighted with because it's where I felt I could help the Property the most. I would have been happy to be in the Pits or anything, but I feel like I can do so much more to support those there by doing some of the things I can do without them needing to train me on them. Like walking in the door and being able to do the tills without a second word and that Terri knows the till will be dead on. I mean, I did programme the suckers to begin with, so I would hope I could still work them. It took a moment to get my bearings though. I will admit that. But it had been a few years, so it's to be expected. I loved being in the Inn. I got to work with Amy the Retail Intern and with Christy's sister who was up visiting from Virginia. Two, great, beautiful girls. So much fun. up |
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We worked all day. I got to spend time in the Trader and in the Inn and then I helped Christy in the office for a bit. Then for dinner we had an amazing 8 course dinner tonight. Well, I didn't. I served it. It was awesome. I loved watching Sharon be in her element. She was all excited and not stressed. It was a big night and she wasn't on edge or anything. I'm sure she had been the night before. I know she didn't sleep for two nights previous. She had her face all pressed up against the glass watching them announce the next course. "Sshhhhhh! I can't hear!", she'd say with a big grin on her face totally oblivious to everything that was going on behind her. She was just absorbed in the moment. I loved serving. So much easier than the hotel...that's for sure. I have to admit some pride as she kept saying how well I was doing with twice the tables as almost all the other servers. It was fun. We'd take one course out, then clear the whole thing, silverware and all, reset the whole table and then bring out the next course. It was great fun. I've really enjoyed working all this time. I haven't really stopped, but it's the way it always is here, you have time with people as you go along. It's nice to not think sometimes. It's wild watching people around here. Some haven't been here for a really long time but many know each other and it's neat to watch them reconnect after all these years. up |
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It's my baby boy's birthday today It was brunch this morning. I found Carolyn swiping the cutlery from the Dining Room table to go sit outside so I joined her. It was so nice to sit and enjoy brunch with Chris, Carolyn, Paul, Dorothy and Tam out in front of Hamilton's. All weekend I've been watching people from the same era connect and be in these little groups and I hadn't felt like I had that. There were people who are there now, but there of this time and I'm not. There were people from long ago that I had connections to from them coming up again, but they were different too. It wasn't until I was sitting there, under the trees, talking to those guys comfortably and effortlessly about this and that and real things. I had a moment of "Ah. These are my people. This is how life feels up here." It was just a small moment for about 15 minutes, and it doesn't take away from anything else that I experience up there or people that I connect with subsequently, but it was a nice moment and I will cherish it. I wasn't doing well for most of the day. I've been really busy and keeping going so that I don't have to think about things. But this place always brings crap up. After doing deposits tonight I started to walk out with Terri and we got talking and I just couldn�t hold things in anymore. Everything feels wrong and lost and out of control and broken. It's just been such a hard month. She hugged me goodbye and I just held onto her and cried. Karen was walking out to the Lodge by herself away from Harold and Terri and Harold was getting all antsy and calling Terri to come and I just wanted her to stay and I was really hurt by it. It's like he never seems to notice me. Never seems to see when I'm hurt and now, in a time when I was sharing myself and opening myself like I've never been able to with her before he was doing the same thing. So I just walked away, in tears, and hurt. I headed back through town and along the dining room to the corner. There I stood for just a moment, hurt, in tears, confused, angry. I looked over the edge. This has always been my spot. The place I went to most as a camper, Work Crew, SS in the middle of the night, and even as Staff and an Intern. It's where I've been most quiet. I watched the water churning below me. There's a rock right under the corner of the walkway. If you jump from the corner (which will get you removed from camp immediately and possibly forever if you're lucky enough to survive the jump) you have to jump way out in order to clear Suicide Rock. I know it's there. The current was strong. Just like the pier in Sidney. The corner of the Malahat just before the 4 lane straight section heading north. And I looked across the water and there was Terri's bicycle light coming back along Shady Lane back into town. I smiled and headed for Main Street. We went and sat in the Trader and talked for many hours, till way past what our bedtime should have been. It was good to get things off my chest and to listen to her. It made me feel like there's more to life than what I've experienced of late. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being tired. She's family and she loves me. It's what I needed to know. up |
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We had some drama today. It was around 11, when I thought we were supposed to be leaving, that I discovered that the Princess wasn't leaving until 2 o'clock. This is no good when you want to get to Vancouver Island before Friday night. Okay, so that's an exaggeration, but it would have meant it taking more than a day. Harold was so good and helpful. I felt so bad for being high maintenance, but he was so wonderful about getting us out on the Laker so that we could get home by tonight. We made it to the island on the 7 ferry. In to Nanaimo just before 9. Got to the lake at 10:30 where we discovered...lo' and behold...a brand new Mini sitting in the drive way. So much fun. She totally did what I thought she would do. I thought she'd hit Dad on the arm, she didn't. And I didn't call that she would stroke the roof of the car with a look of sheer delight on her face after getting mad at Dad. So I was close, but I was off on those two things. The rest of the time was "Oh, John! What is that? What have you done? What IS that? Oh my! John!" Good times. Mum took us home and we sat and talked for a bit when she brought me home, so I was in bed by 1 am today. I'm gonna be tired, after the late night last night talking to Terri and the incredibly long day today of travel.
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I was so tired at work today. I put my head down for like 5 minutes, and then the phone rang and freaked the crap out of me. Mum came and got me from work and drove me home and then to the Y for Aqua Yoga. It was good to move around even though I was like 15 minutes late. After that I went for Indian food with Annie. I'm sure it will make me sick, but whatever. On the way home I was actually able to look around and enjoy the area where I am and where I'm living. The sun was just going down, at 9 pm, and it brought life. I found myself being more alive to the things around me. It feels good to have the depression lifting from my brain. Thank you Lord for listening to me and giving me clarity like I have asked for.
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I tried to go for a bike ride today. I had a dentist appointment out in Broadmead so I took Heidi's speed bike. I didn't get very far. I don't know what I'm doing wrong with the gears? I got to the Arena and took it up to the bike shop on Quadra. I couldn't get it to shift anymore. It was just stuck on the lowest gear and clicking against the front gear shift by the pedals. They fiddled with it and said it was fine and sent me on my way. I got half a block, changed gears and it did the same thing. I was starting to get tight on time, so I just went back home, dropped off the bike, put on a sarong and ran to the bus stop to make it on time. What am I doing wrong??? I hit the left gear shift to go down (while peddling) and then it was on the lowest gear and no matter what I did it wouldn't go anywhere else. I would have ridden like that, but the chain was rubbing against that front gear shift thing, so I didn't want that to create wear on the metal. So, I've decided not to touch her bike ever again. I may take the one speed (not as much for me to mess with on it!), but the cross bar is really high and on the Sequoia it was hard for me to get on and off without looking like a total dwarf and that one is lower than your one speed. I think it comes down to the fact that Michelle needs to just go out and buy her own bike! Preferably a child's BMX that I can fit and fall off easily. It's astounding that I rode a bike everyday of my life from the time I first learned until I was in High School and taking the bus more, and then again all this last year. You would think I could handle this, but apparently not. Need my own that if I kill it, it's no big thing. After that, I went shopping at Mayfair. It was depressing. I did manage to buy a couple of fun things, but the whole mall experience as a whole, and going into the Christian Book Store across the road, was incredibly depressing and intriguing as to how capitalism and consumerism abound within the Christian world. From there, I hit downtown and made a hair appointment for next week and walked around and ended up (as usual) down by the water. I went down to the Inner Harbour to sit and watch the planes and the water and the little Harbour tour boats. I saw my ex. That was odd. He's working down at Harbour Air Sea Planes, has been for a while, but I still wasn't expecting to see him down there. We didn't really talk, like face to face. I was up on a wall and he was on a dock a fair ways away. It was still wild. Too weird that it can often feel like no time has passed. Too weird that we're standing there talking "So, you're well" "Yeah. You?" "Yup" with other people around and it just seems like two regular people, but that beyond that trivial conversation there's a bond and an understanding of each other that doesn't exist with any one in the world for either of us. Just wild to think of it from other people's perspectives for a moment once the time was past. I went and got a pizza from the Joint and sat in Bastion Square, talking to Dad on the phone, watching the people walk by, waiting for my pizza. I went back down to the Inner Harbour, on the dock where the Pacific Grace ties up, to eat my pizza and watch the things move around on the water. Things like the Coho Ferry. I just didn't feel like going home. So I didn't and I sat there. And then I did and went to bed. up |
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I got out on the bike today. I took Heidi's one speed. It was nice to be riding, but the handle bars are killer and my whole weight was pressed forward on them, so of all things to hurt on my body...my hands are freakin killing me. Stupid arthritis. I rode for like an hour and a half. I wanted to stay out all day and bask in the sun, but the sun went away and it was stupidly cold out on the south water ways (Caddy Bay and the Uplands) so I came home. Talked to Wade on the phone and he came over. We walked into town to drop off a roll of film. We talked about all sorts of crap. Then we went to his place so that I could do some laundry. His parental units came home bearing crab, so we all had a crab fest for dinner before going to the Place. It doesn�t suck as much as all the other churches lately.
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It's hot here now. We're in a "heat wave". It's like 31. Kinda cool that it'll end soon, unlike Japan that would get this hot but instead of coming back down it would just get worse. It's really not all that bad. Kinda nice. I've come to grips in the last bit with things that make me feel betrayed by God that I trusted Him for certain things. I took actions a long time ago that I didn't want to do at the time in the trust that He would take care of things, and now I see the outcome of those actions and He hasn't done what I thought He said He would do. I thought He would take care. Doesn't seem to have. up |
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It's amazing how normal things can feel, how quickly we adapt to the living situation that we're in while still longing for something different. I can't imagine living in a place other than this apartment right now and I felt the same way when I was in Japan. In fact, tonight, I kind of miss my old place. It was such a great space. I remember not feeling that way. I remember it having no hold on me, it was just the place where I was. I think it was the winter that did it for me. That's when I would wake up in a nice warm sunbeam with the air crisp around me (no central heating). I had gotten used to sleeping on the floor and wanted nothing more than to stay there in the sunbeam with my comp and a bowl of rice for the rest of the day. And maybe some caramel corn! I attached myself quickly to this place now. It wasn't immediate, it being someone else's space and all, but I've really only been here for two months and I'm quite attached to it and can't imagine what it's going to be like to be somewhere else around here in a few months time. I'm starting to soften as I'm around here. I actually talked to someone today!!! I didn't just give him a dirty look and keep on walking. He asked me how I could wear all black in this weather. I told him I had been living in Japan and was used to 42 degree heat. It really isn't all that bad right now. Sure it's warm, but I don't feel like dying. So yeah. I said that and laughed and kept walking and that was it. It was a big day for Michelle. And I'm also quite sure that I saw Iginla today walking along Wharf. TOTALLY CONVINCED it was him. up |
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I bought a bike today! I was like an hour and a half late for work, but meh, I bought a bike! It makes me sooo happy. I think her name is going to be Queen because I've been singing the Queen song all day..."Bicycle, Bicycle, I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike..." She's red. I left early today to go to the Crystal. I did an hour of aerobics and free weights and then it went into a half hour of abs. Great fun. My neck hurts the most from the abs work. I walked around town tonight. It's craziness down here right now. There's Folkfest and Jazzfest that are overlapping each other by two days, and it's the night before July 1st. Craziness. It was kind of depressing walking around down there cause there's people everywhere all partying and hanging out with their friends and having a good time and I'm standing on the wall or sitting off the edge of the dock all by myself. I felt very displaced tonight. I don't know if I could ever feel like I belong in that sort of crowd and scene. It's all so surface and a diversion for your mind in order to ignore the futility and loneliness in your real self. I have great friends, I just don't have any who want to go hang out in town at the drop of the hat. It's not their neighbourhood and I'm not sure if I can naturally fit in with the people whose neighbourhood it is. I fit in, in my own way, but not with them. up |
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