Well can you tell what a great mood i am in?.
Actually, I have been so very sad for the last few days and today i am better, some.
For some reason, all these old feelings have arisen inside, the sadness, the incredible sadness over a lost life. I remember how much i prayed to God to save my soul mate and love of my life, my better, no best half, when he was in the hospital with a major heart attack. How i could not even imagine what or how i could live without his light in my life. And yet, not so very long after that he decided he could live without me. I see now that i should have pushed to talk to him about the feelings left from such a major upheaval in his and my lives, instead i thought he was withdrawn to try to figure things out, i thought if i gave him time he would be able to work thru it. But apprently he only needed the time to remember every bad thing about me and our relatiionship, so that while i was thinking and remembering the incredible joy and the good times, he was replaying the bad things and arguements etc. and the whole time i never knew, He never talked to me. He shut the door on me and my soul. Who was once the light of his life, a gift from God to him, was now rejected in favor of another. New love, new start. And all those things and promises he made to me, which were etched on my soul, turned out to be false, nothing more than words said on a slow breeze, to be swept away and used over again to the new love in his life. Same words, same promises, only this time to someone else.
Could it all have really meant so very little to him?
Well i have come to the realization, yes it could. Yes he really could have never realized how very much i loved him, that our souls really did touch and meet and were part of one another.
Instead the mundane took over and the rest was tossed away , like yesterday's trash.
well enough of that.
I must learn to love with the pain. And learn to live with everyones advice to just get on with it.
i do not think anyone knows how completely i gave this man my soul. so that it is left in tatters and incomplete. How to get my complete soul back every again when you have given it to another.
I do know that i never want to bare my soul so completely to another again. And must never allow myself to be so vulnerable and open. Pieces of your soul get ripped away each time you give to another person and someday if you keep giving , there will be nothing but a big gaping hole where once your soul stood.
oh my gosh.
i guess i was wrong about feeling better here.
I must get back on the path of finding myself, walling myself in and only allowing myself to appreciate and enjoy the wonders of this life and world in pieces. To live only in a shelter, to protect while still trying to bring some joy to the world.
I must rebuild the walls i had in place before i allowed another to break them down.
And this time build them strong enough no one else can shatter them.
i must keep this pain in my heart so that i do not ever forget.
I am sad to lose the innocence and belief that there is such good in the world but such are the lessons of life.
(I still believe there is good in this life, just not the complete joy and wonder that i really thought there was.)
I shall return for some more musings.
Writing is probably a good therapy, as long as you use it to work thru things in ones head.
Take care
and try to be at peace with the world, as it is truely a wondrous place.
