Okay here we still are, amazingly enough one year after I was dumped unceremoniously with no chance to talk about what happened with the love of my life. I am amazed i am still here. But life seems to go on no matter what is thrown at you. I have spent a good portion of the year flat on my back with health problems(which were apparently part of the problem with my ex). Right now i am able to walk some, stand some and sit up for longer periods of time. Driving is still tough and i am not sure i am the safest person on the road but i have to get on with life.
So We had a 50th birthday last week and it seems a horrible thing that at 50 i am in such a mess. I am desperately trying not to think of what a mess i am in and how this is not where i ever thought i would end up at this age. To be 50 and one paper signing from welfare. And so very alone. Altho the alone part is fine as i will never allow myself to be that vulnerable again.
so here is my usual mumblings. To really love someone is to put your heart and soul out there, to take the risk of truely opening yourself up to the joy of loving someone as well as the pain. We all need to think of the possiblility of that pain.
Before we bare our souls.Well at least i do, i am too old to have much left for another round of this.
well I will keep this short since i am obviously sad today. see ya tomorrow
PS
I have been so sad for a bit and way too introspective.
I think i finally have it.., when you give your soul and heart and self to someone you never get that back. So you are forever connected.
And no matter what your mind tells you , and no matter what pain has occurred, that piece of yourself still belongs to that other person, the one who wil always be yor other half.
so you must accept that you have lost that piece of yourself, after all you gave it freely. Accept that you will always have that piece of them too that they gave to you.
And then take life as it comes. For we really have no control in the end of what takes place. We can try to guide it. We can fool ourselves into thinking we actually can have some influence, but in the end, life will be what it must be.
