The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed

Home Thoughts for Everyday Life Back Next

Some students must think that, if you don't know an answer, you might get some marks by making the poor examiners smile.

English

What does the word "benign" mean?

Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

What is the correct use of a semi-colon?

Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.

Technology

What is a turbine?

Something an Arab wears on his head.

History

What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?

Nelson's column.

Geography

Name the four seasons.

Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?

Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.

How is dew formed?

The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

What is a planet?

A body of earth surrounded by sky.

What causes the tides in the oceans?

The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

What is a fossil?

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Biology

What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

Premature death.

What is artificial insemination?

When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

How can you delay milk turning sour?

Keep it in the cow.

How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)

The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E, I, O and U.

Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto.

What is the Fibula?

A small lie.

What is the most common form of birth control?

Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".

The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

What is a coma?

A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.

What is a seizure?

A Roman emperor.

What is a terminal illness?

When you are sick at the airport.

Sociology

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

In a democratic society, how important are elections?

Very important: sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind:

u take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still!

If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die"

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profits

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

Woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Successful man makes more money than his wife can spend.

Successful woman is one who finds such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

To be happy with a woman,you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

Woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't.

Man marries a woman expecting she won't change, she does.

Married men live longer than single men; however, they are also more willing to die.

Married men should forget about their mistakes. No point in two people remembering the same thing.

Woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Life isn't fair to men.

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?

The average man's life consists of -

twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going;

forty years of having his wife ask the same

question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

GREAT FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not Enter

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized !

Man: I know how to 'please a woman'.

Woman: Then 'please' leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:

Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?

Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.

Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Li Bai is a very famous poem writer in China.

Enjoy it, it is quite funny! :

(Chinese Version)

Chuang qian ming yue guang

Yi shi di shang shuang

Ju tou wang ming yue

Di tou shi gu xiang

Li Bai

(English Version)

The moon light is pouring down on my bedside

Like white frost spreading on the ground

I look up the bright round moon in the sky

And lower my head thinking of my dear hometown

Li Bai

(Singlish Version)

Bedfront Moon Bright Bright

Think Is Floor White White

Lift Head See Moon Moon

Bow Head Miss Home Home...

(Ah-Beng Version)

Bedfront Orr Pi Sai (pick nose)

Think Think Go Pang Sai (go shit)

Pick Up Tai Gor Tai (handphone)

Talk Cock While Lau Sai

(Latest Reservist Army Version)

Bedfront Lau Bark Sai (tears drop)

Thinking About Exercise(reservist mobilization)

Drop Dead Look Into The Sky (run until no breathe)

Tong Kor Sia Lang Cai? (my heartache nobody knows)

(The Pai Lang Version)

Bad Guy Look Good Good

Actually Damn Bad Bad

Lift Head See Moon Moon

and ask the sky why kanna such guy)

Bow Head No Hope Hope (shrug)

(Anwar's version)

Cahaya bulan di tepi katilku

Macam "sainide" dalam kopiku

Ku pandang atas cahaya purnama dari "lokap" ku

Ku pandang bawah siapa bongkok di depan aku

1) Money is not everything...............

there's Mastercard & Visa.

(2) One should love animals,

they are so tasty.

(3) Save water,

shower with your friend.

(4) Love your neighbour,

but don't get caught.

(5) Behind every successful man, there is a woman.

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

(6) Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

(7) A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife can spend.

A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.

(8) Wise people never marry,

and when they marry, they become otherwise.

(9) Success is a relative term,

it brings so many relatives.

(10) Never put off the work till tomorrow,

what you can put off today.

So you see money isn’t everything. I tell you all these because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering. So send me all your money and I will suffer for you . A truer friend than me you will never find.

CASH ONLY PLEASE !!

kissing is a habit,

making love is a game,

boys get all the pleasure,

girls get all the pain,

he says he loves you and you believe it's true,

but when your stomach starts to swell

he says the hell with you !!!

16 min of pleasure,

9 months of pain,

3 days in the hospital,

a baby with no name.

the baby is a bastard

the mother is a whore,

it never would of happened

if the rubber hadn't tore.

WOMAN
When a woman is 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.

When she is 28, she is a hockey ball 8 men going after her.

When she is 38, she is a golf ball - 1 man hitting her.

When she is 48, she is a pingpong ball - 2 men pushing to each other.

MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.

At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.

At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.

At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.

At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled & cheap.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Marriage is a three ring circus: 1. engagement ring

2. wedding ring

3. suffering

Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your arse showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.

However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, including even the thought of it!  I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to  know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and ten acres behind the house.

Do not trifle ith me.

Rule Eight: Be afraid of my daughter's mother. Be very afraid. It takes very little to set her off and she never forgets.

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"

Ever wonder why office staff are always dead tired by the end of the day and companies require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees ???

REASONS BEING...

Everyone gets enough exercise:

· Jumping to conclusion

· Beating around the bush

· Running down the boss

· Going around the circles

· Dragging their feet

· Passing the buck

· Climbing the ladder

· Wading through paperwork

· Pulling strings

· Throwing their weight around

· Stretching the truth

· Bending the rules, and

· Pushing their luck

No wonder they are all tired at the end of a working day!!!!

It was the first day of school and a new student, Toshiba,  the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher  greeted the class and  said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American  history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of  blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.

"Patrick  Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said  'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from  the earth?"

Again, no response  except from Toshiba: "Abraham  Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should  be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it  than you do."

As she turned to write something on the  blackboard, she heard a loud whisper:  "Damned Japanese." "Who  said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,  1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted  by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed,  "I'm gonna throw up".

Teacher says "who said that?".

Again,  Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese prime minister,  1991".

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? well suck my  ...."

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer,  "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997".

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his  first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!".

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension!.  Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?".

"No", replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!".

The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?".

"No.", replied the Managing Director.

"Good!", replied the trainee and he put down the phone.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, keeping it simple.

The child thought for a moment and said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him at the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said that she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley. And I know that's a lie because I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

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