Home Thoughts
for Everyday Life Back Next
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
Who cares?
What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Get more cement.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
I will CREDIT you my love,
If you will DEBIT me your love.
I'll record our romance in a JOURNAL,
And POST it to the LEDGER of my heart.
I'll keep an ACCOUNT of our love,
Based on DOUBLE-ENTRY.
This way you'll know the BALANCE c/d,
And the AMOUNT of love I have for you.
Our courtship, is carried out on WORKSHEET.
ADJUSTING ENTRIES are necessary, To make our love steady.
TRIAL BALANCE shows, We are meant for each other,
Because the TOTAL of our love, Is one and the same.
CLOSING ENTRIES are made,
When down the aisle we take.
PROFIT & LOSS statement, tells what has happened.
Let's see our BALANCE SHEET,
What are our ASSETS & LIABILITIES?
Oh, my goodness! It shows a dozen kids!
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS !
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
An architect, an artist and
an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife
or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time
with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found
there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer:
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some
work done."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Engineers build weapons, Architects build targets.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
"An Engineer and His Frog" An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Beer
Quotes
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. – Frank Sinatra
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. – Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. -- Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure -- hooking up with fat, hairy girls. -- Ross Levy/John Beecher Jr.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -- W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -- Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.-- Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. -- Kaiser Wilhelm
A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank. "No honey- I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the guy says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man”
These are the top 25, all real headlines from newspapers, taken throughout 1999. .
25. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.
24. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say
23. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers.
22. Drunks Get Nine Months In Violin Case.
21. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
20. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
19. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
18. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
17. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
15. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
14. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
12. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
11. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
10. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
9. War Dims Hope For Peace
8. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last AWhile
7. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
6. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
5. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
4. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space
3. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
2. Local High school Dropouts Cut In Half and the number 1 headline.....
1.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
1. THE DOCTOR : because he says : "Take your clothes off"
2. THE DENTIST : because he says : "Open wide"
3. THE HAIRDRESSER : because he says : "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. THE MILKMAN : because he says : "Do you want it in the front or the back"
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR : because he says : "Once it's in, you'll love it"
6. THE SHARE BROKER : because he says : "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again"
7. THE BANKER : because he says : "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest”
8. THE HUNTER : because he says "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots"
9. THE TELEPHONE GUY : because he says : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall.”
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oza kombinations of letas.
After ziz fifz yer ve vil have a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu anderstand ech oza. Ze drem of an united urop vil finali kum tru!
An Indian , a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident.They were brought to the same emergency room, but all of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Indian, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what had happened.
“Well," said the Indian, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light , and then the Chinese, the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven. An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I took out my wallet and gave him the $50 and the next thing I knew was I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors,"But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them ," replied the Indian, "the Chinese was bargaining over the price and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Just to give you the hang of it...How many Irish does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One stands on top the table holding the bulb, the other four rotates the table.
How many Chinese does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two.
One screws in the bulb, the other one gives you the bill.
How many Indians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fifty.
And they'll form a union after that.
How many Malays does it take to screw in a light bulb? None.
Malays are not supposed to screw anything other than their wives.
How many TNB workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten.
One screws in the light bulb, nine others claim overtime.
How many MIC members does it take to screw in a light bulb? None.
They can't reach the bulb. Somebody threw all the chairs and tables.
How many Sarong Party Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? None.
Sarong Party Girls don't screw anything that's yellow.
CHINESE VELI STRONG (AND STINGY)
A Chinese man arranges for a Russian hooker (yes, you get them in KL) to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deepbreath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,...and......finds……..
four Chinese men?
AT THE SEMENYIH CAMP
Indon 1: How did they ever managed to catch you? You look like a Malaysian...
Indon 2: I dunno..I dressed like Malaysian..talk like Malaysian and even behave like a Malaysian.
Indon 1: So how the hell did they ever found out?
Indon 2: Beats me..when they stopped me for questioning..I managed to answer all questions. When they ask for my I.C., I told them that I left it at home and they believed me.
Indon 1: Hmm..it baffles me dong...
Indon 2: Me too..all I said when they were about to leave was "Terima kasih pak polisi"
THE HOLY BOOK
If the Muslims have the Koran, the Christians the Bible, what do the Chinese in Malaysia have? The Yellow Pages (business minded, mah)
MAMAK ORDERS
How does a Mamak shout your orders across the stall?
Kopi + Teh = "Ko Teh"
Milo + Kopi + Teh = "My Ko Teh"
Horlicks + Milo + Kopi + Teh ="Lick My Ko Teh"
[SIA - Steven Saw] Note: this is a true story.
A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"
"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."
“OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."
"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause." The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Maths & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."
The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.
"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"
The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"
WHEN YOU DRIVE A PROTON SAGA…
What's the first thing that come to your mind when you see a Chinese man driving a BMW?
A pimp.
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Malay man driving a BMW?
Ahmad.
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see an Indian man driving a BMW?
A car jockey
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Bhai drivin a BMW?
A car repossesor.
During the colonial days, three friends went together to apply for a job. The prospective employer was a cocky and nasty English manager. Ah Chong was the first to be interviewed.
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Ah Chong: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left eye with my finger?
Ah Chong: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke the other eye?
Ah Chong: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside?Next! As Ali was going into the room, Ah
Chong told his friend, just answer"partially blind" and "blind" and you sure pass!
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Ali: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left eye??
Ali: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke the other eye??
Ali: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside?Next! Ali came out and told Singh that Ah Chong was right, just answer "partially blind" and "blind" and you sure pass!
However, the manager suspected something fishy and decided to change the questions...
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Singh: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your left ear?
Singh: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your other ear?
Singh: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Angry manager: Tell me how you'll go blind if I cut off your ears?
Singh: If you cut my left ear, my turban will drop one side and cover my left eye. If you cut off my other ear, my whole turban will drop and cover my eyes completely.
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated withal l the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen."
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sam Ting."
Three guys, a lady and myself were sitting at the bar talking about our professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know.... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Then, they suddenly look at me and immediately I said...I'm a BITCH!
What does a Bitch means?
B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL of
H - HERSELF
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a Bitch...........SMILE...........And say Thank You!!!!!!!!
TESTING YOUR VOCABULARY
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only 2 of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about 6 inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
ANSWERS:
1) Talk
2) Legs
3) A Twenty-dollar bill
4) Firetruck
5) Fork
6) Almond Joy Candy Bar
7) Last name
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure "from the top of his head to the tip of his toes". Six feet.... He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure "from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes". Eight feet.... He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to "drop 'em".
He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam"
A POEM WRITTEN BY AN AFRICAN
Dear white fella:
Couple of things you should know
When I was born, I was black
When I grew up, I was black
When I go in the sun, I am black
When I am cold, I am black
When I am scared, I am black
When I am sick, I am black
When I die, I will still be black
You white fella
When you were born, you were pink
When you grew up, you were white
When you go in the sun, you are red
When you are cold, you are blue
When you are scared, you are yellow
When you are sick, you are green
When you die, you are gray
And you have the nerve to call me coloured?????
Occasionally, airline
attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and
their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest
Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this aeroplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks,
we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat
belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing:
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed
and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly
rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
6. From a Southwest
Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate
your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss
of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling
with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them
fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money
more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat
cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing,
please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit
the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off
the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot
during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this
flight."
12. This was overheard
on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy
and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA
and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left
of our aeroplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight
attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please
remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot
wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand
at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks
for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had
a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have
a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot
down?"
15. After a real
crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
16. Part of a flight
attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates St. Peter himself.“Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a HR manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."“No problem, just let me in" said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in" the Saint replied."Actually, I think I've made up my mind.....I prefer to stay in Heaven". "Sorry, we have rules....."And with that St. Peter put the consultant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow HR professionals that she had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and >>kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute), and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter was waiting for her.“Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven" he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her."So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity" he said.The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, "well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell.When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her."I don't understand," stammered the HR manager. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country >>club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and grinned, "that's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
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