The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed

Home Thoughts for Everyday Life Back Next

Little Johnny wakes up three nights in a row to the sound of thumping coming from his parents' bedroom.

Finally, on the third morning he says to his mother, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noise, and when I look into your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

Needless to say, Little Johnny's mother is taken by surprise, so she quickly explains, "Oh... that's because your Daddy has gained weight and I'm bouncing on his stomach to make him thin again."

Little Johnny looks a tad confused and remarks, "Mommy, I don't think that's gonna work."

"Why not, dear?"

"Because the lady next door comes by after you leave the house every day and blows him right back up!"

At a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia, an old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

A young couple was married and they had sex all the time during their honeymoon.

When the honeymoon was over, they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day, they would get home at 5 o'clock, and they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.

These three germs huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with thirty thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

Gregory finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Sue me for child support."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, right at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?"

"What?! Get out of my cab, you scum!"

The businessman got into each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result-- getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said, "Okay," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs in front, the businessman gave a big smile and a thumbs-up sign to each astonished driver.

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana.

They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.

"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: "Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $0.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable," replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will read it like: COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands so there wouldn't be any trouble.

The day of the game was bright and sunny, and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the national anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose.

When the national anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat.

The game proceeded, and the inmates were well behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.

Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.

The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"

"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, "Peanuts!"

The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.

The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent. Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."

"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow! That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turned to the third man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he could barely reply. "Don't tell me…."

"Another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said: "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to have a parrot; it couldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much it was. The owner said, "$50."

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided that she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it any way. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true that you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."

"$100!! For a hand job. Are you nuts"

"You see that Ferrari out there" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."

"How much is that?" "$500" "$500!! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street" The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy.”

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, there between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

"You see that island?"

"Aw, C'mon! You can't mean that!" he said.

"You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely, Pamela

Dear Pamela:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is awonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

Women Are Complex Creatures

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...

...WOMEN!

I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.

My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password "Penis".

We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"

"Sure" replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."

"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big

kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"

"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why Dad? Tell me why!"

Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner."

Good" replied the husband, "make sure she's well done."

The story goes that there was this lady married to a Caucasian. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She did not know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, she lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she did not know that to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to how the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.

Please page down...

Question: What were U thinking ?

Answer: HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband can speak English.

A new recruit wanted to have a cup of tea. So he dialed the number of the pantry but got the wrong one. When someone picked the phone he said "Please send me a cup of tea".

"Do you know whom you are talking to?" the other side asked.

"No" he replied.

"You are talking to the director of this company." the other side replied.

Then our friend asked."Do you know who is talking on this side ?"

"No" the other side replied.

"thank god"

This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quickie, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowjob... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"Baby..... don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says.......

"Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he will come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom"!

One day, there were 3 friends named Gaduh, Otak & Gila. Gaduh has disappeared. So, Otak & Gila went to the police station to report about their friend.

(Otak was waiting outside the police station while Gila meet the police.)

Gila : Encik, saya mau cari Gaduh.

Police : Apa ?

Gila : Saya mau cari Gaduh.

Police : Hah! Mau cari gaduh? Awak ni gila ke?

Gila : Ya, saya memang Gila.

Police : Awak ada otak ke?

Gila : Ya, Otak ada di luar.

Police : ??? ^O^

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.

A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:

Men marry because they are tired.

Women marry because they are curious.

Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.

A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:

A woman always has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.