Home Thoughts
for Everyday Life Back Next
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a
word with him."
So the three of them walk up to the greenskeeper.
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door. He rolls over and looks at his
clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of
bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock
follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door
and there is man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize
the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a
push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams
the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what
happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
night our car broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up
from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started
again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk!" protests the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our
help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the
dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger slurs, "I'm over here, on your swing."
My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had
to visit the local office.
The queue wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane
nearby me. It was unclear as to who was next.
When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said,
"After you."
I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all
day."
The he said, "No.
You go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of
fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and
pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the
west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to
the west!"
"Oh!" exclaimed the embarrassed knight. "Well, you do
now..."
"Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?" Mr. Lim asked.
"Sorry, I do not know, sir, I haven't measured it yet."
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double
of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for
wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and
says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you
this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so
upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next
door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the
bar.
"I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it
was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this
hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks
if I'm interested.
"I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head
yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I
went with her. This was just too good to be true!"
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel
and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slips out of her dress.
That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get
out of my clothes. But, as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling
and someone starts fumbling with the door.
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend! He must have lost
his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the
first place he would look, so I didn't hide there.
"Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look
there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was
open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the
guy wouldn't see me."
At this point, the bartender says, "Well I can see how you might
be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he
yells out, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody,
honey, now come to bed and calm down.'
"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the
door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad
I didn't hide in there.'
"Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room.
Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?'
"I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' "But, the blonde by
now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking.
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water
running for a long time and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something,
when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the
window right on top of my head!
"I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp
and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for
sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming
the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're
a bloody mess! I can hardly hold onto this glass!"
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I
can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did
finally piss you off?"
"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down and
I was only about 6 inches off the ground."
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to
Party instead. Their biggest exam was
on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken
down the night before due to a Very Flat Tire and they needed a bit more time
to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to
study. That evening, both of the boys
crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two
separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two
different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the directions:
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points,
tell me WHICH tire it was!"
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour
peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's
because he's inside your damn cat."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.
He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with an excellent hearing
aid. He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, "Your
hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear
again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round
of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how
they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what
portion to give to the Lord.
The priest explains, "I draw a circle around myself and toss the
money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever
lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The minister says, "Yes, I use a similar method, except that
whatever lands inside the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the
circle I keep for my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims, "Brothers we are in agreement! I use the
same method, as well. Except that when I toss the money in the air, I figure
that whatever God wants He can keep..."
A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant -
especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida. So she
wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was
fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities.
She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up
with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM COMMODE.' But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too
forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the
bathroom commode merely as the B.C.
'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got
the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That
B.C. business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several
campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either.
So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady
must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and
wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter.
I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine
miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of
people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually
arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so
crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there.
It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being
planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the
basement of the B.C.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly
but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be
more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go
with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the
other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community!
Here are some hilarious messages you can put on your answering
machines:
"Hi, now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello, I am Mitch's answering machine. What are you?"
"Hi! Mitch's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Mitch's microwave. His answering machine just
eloped with the tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking his calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning
your call."
(In a bored voice)
"Heaven, God speaking..."
"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We
know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang
up."
"Hi, this is Mitch. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"Hi, I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call you back, it's you."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and you ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled
to leave your name, number and a message."
A priest was preparing a sick man for death. Whispering firmly, the
priest said, "Denounce the Devil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the
dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his
evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think
I ought to aggravate
anybody!"
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary
with a trip to Las Vegas. When they
entered the hotel casino to register at the front desk, a young woman dressed
in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were
so rude to her."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you, dear. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it," insisted George.
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked 'Bambi' to come
up to room 1217. When he hung up the phone, he said, "Now, Harriet, you
hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough so you can hear us."
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened the door and in
walked Bambi, her hips swirling provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
"$125! I was thinking more like $25."
Bambi laughed, "You must be crazy if you think you can buy sex for
that price."
"Well," said George, as he gestured for her to leave, "I
guess we can't do business."
As soon as she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and remarked,
"I just can't believe it! Never in a million years would I have believed
she was a hooker. But you were right, dear."
Later that evening, while George and Harriet sipped cocktails at the
hotel casino bar, Bambi appeared and approached the two of them.
She pointed at Harriet and said to George, "See what you get for
$25 mister!"
The following dialogue is between a reporter and a bank president:
"Sir, what is the secret of your success?"
"Two words."
"And, sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, sir, what is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get experience?"
"Two words"
"And, sir, what are they?"
"Wrong
decisions."
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in
his stomach.
She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see
the numbers."
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed
her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking
a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways
in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and
straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt
over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back
upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her
new home.
"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let
me fart."
Winston Churchill was visiting another country.
The first evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken
entree and said, "May I have some breast?"
The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded, "Mr.
Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat."
"My apologies, Madam, I was not aware of your customs."
The following day, a "thank you" gift of a large orchid was
delivered to the party's hostess. The following was written on the note:
"I would be obliged if you would pin this on your white meat -- W.
Churchill"
Jim the old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before
spring planting, so he made a trip to town to buy another mule.
His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he
made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the
mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old farmer returned to claim his mule.
"Jim," said the mule dealer. "That old mule died last
night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it
for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim
refused because a bargain was a bargain. He loaded the dead mule on his truck
and left.
A couple of months later, the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's
place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a new $4,000 garden
tractor.
Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he
had managed to buy a tractor when, not too long ago, all he had was the $125
that he'd spent on the dead mule.
"Well," Jim explained. "After leaving with the mule, I
had this idea. So, I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 pieces of
$2 raffle tickets printed up. 'Grand prize: Gardening Equipment.' I sold all
the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment from,
Jim?"
"From you..."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you..."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that
really ticked them off when they realized the mule was dead!"
"Nope, not really... the only one really ticked off was the
winner, so I gave him his money back."
At school, Lil' Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hid at
least one dark secret, and that this made it very easy to blackmail them by
saying, "I know the whole truth."
Lil' Johnny decided to go home and try it out.
He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother, he said, "I
know the whole truth." His mother gasped, then quickly handed him $20 and
said, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and
greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Johnny's father promptly
handed him $40 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw
the mailman at his front door. Lil' Johnny greeted him by saying, "I know
the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying,
"Then come give your real father a big hug."
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater
Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict
control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. 43 said yes, six were undecided, and the last one?
Well, only one knew that the chemical, dihydrogen monoxide, was water
(H2O).
The title of his prize winning project: "How Gullible Are
We?"
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the
pastor. The room quieted down the pastor walked up to the bartender and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a
restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman
in there- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense!" said the pastor. "I'll look the other
way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the
stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping
with music and dancing again!
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When
I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room
became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping
again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would
you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "Every time the fig
leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how
about a drink?"
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date
were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for Mr.
Right," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
ATOMIC MASS: Commonly accepted as 118 lb, but isotopes known to vary
from 100 to 550 lb.
DISCOVERER: Adam
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
COMMON USES:
TESTS:
HAZARDS:
On the day of her wedding, Kathy was getting dressed, surrounded by all
her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to bring her wedding
shoes. Panic.
Then, her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her
wedding before, so she lent them to Kathy for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small. By the time the festivities
were over, Kathy's feet were in agony.
When she and bridegroom, Anthony, withdrew to their room, the only
thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom, and they
heard roughly what they expected -- grunts, straining noises, and an occasional
muffled scream.
Eventually, they heard Anthony say, "Goodness, that was
tight!"
"There," whispered Kathy's mother. "I told you she was a
virgin!"
Then, to their surprise, they heard Anthony say, "Now for the
other one."
This was followed by more grunting and straining, and at last, Anthony
said, "Goodness, that was even tighter!"
"That's my boy," said Anthony's father. "Once a sailor,
always a sailor."
A man called the taxi company and complained that a taxi he had booked
to take him to the airport had not arrived yet.
The girl who took the call apologised.
"I'm sorry the taxi isn't there yet, sir," she said.
"But don't worry. The plane is always late."
"Well, it certainly will be this morning!" the caller said
sharply. "I am the pilot!"
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around in his seat, scratching his privates, and not paying
attention.
She walked to the back to find out what was going on.
The little boy was quite embarrassed and whispered to the teacher,
explaining that he had recently been circumcised and it was very itchy.
The teacher told the little boy to go down to the principal's office,
then phone his mother and ask her what to do about it.
So, the little boy did as he was asked, and a short while later, he
returned to the classroom and sat down in his seat.
A few moments later, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The
teacher rushed to the back to find the little boy sitting at his desk with his
penis hanging out from his pants.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she screamed.
"I did," he said. "She told me that if I could stick it
out until noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through
the Gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents
and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello!"
"How are you!"
"We've been waiting for you!"
"Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed
her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the
Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you!" the woman said. "How have
you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband
told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while
you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the
world.
"We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the
ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
A rather confident man
walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick
glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this
and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he
replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman
says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha
waves to talk to me telepathically," he explains.
"What's it
telling you now?"
"Well, it says
you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and
replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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