The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed

Home Thoughts for Everyday Life Back Next

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they> received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.  The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.  Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.  "Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

Subject:  Geography of a woman

    Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.

    She is half discovered, half wild.

    Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.

    Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

    Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.

    Very hot, wise and beautiful

    Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.

    She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

    Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.

    She lost the war but not the hope.

    Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.

    Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

    Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.

    With a glorious past but no future.

    After 70, they become Siberia.

    "Everyone knows where is it, but no one was to go there."

Three sailors, a Samoan, a Hawaiian, and an arrogant Portuguese were floating in a small liferaft in the Pacific Ocean with their Captain.  They were the only survivors of the crew of a whaling ship which sank during a strong hurricane.  Hungry sharks were beginning to circle around the raft and this made the four men very scared and worried.

After five days the Captain informed his men that there was only enough food left for three people before they expect to reach land in about a week.

“It is my decision that one of you will have to swim for it.” He said, “However, to make it fair I am going to ask each of you a question.  If your answer is right, you stay; if your answer is wrong, you have to go.”

Having no choice, the three sailors agreed.  Turning to the Samoan, the captain asked, “What was the name of the US Navy Ship that sank by the Japanese at Pearl Harbour where a war memorial now stands ?”  With a sigh of relief, the Samoan answered, “The U.S.S. Arizona.”

Pointing at the Hawaiian, the captain then asked, “How many navy personnel were killed on that ship during the attack ?”  The very nervous Hawaiian quickly replied, “One thousand one hundred and seventy-seven, sir.”

“Both of you are correct.” Said the captain.  Turning now to the arrogant Portunguese sailor, he said, “Okay, now you name all of them.”

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.  One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.  He went up to the shop assistant and asked “Could I have a fucket please ?”

The assistant asked, “Pardon, sir ?”

“Can I have a fucket please ?” replied the old man.

“Oh, you mean a bucket !” the shop assistant replied.

The old man said, “Yes, that’s what I said.”  So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop.

In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked, “Can I have a cock please ?”

The cashier looked very puzzled and asked, “Pardon ?”

The old man again asked, “Can I have a cock please ?”

The cashier replied, “Oh, you mean a clock !  Yes – certainly, sir.”

So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop.

The next shop was to the bakers.  He went to the assistant and asked, “Can I have a bum please ?”

The assistant said, “Sorry, sir, what did you say ?”

So he repeated himself, “Can I have a bum please ?”

The assistant said, “Oh right, you mean a bun !”

The old man said, “Yes, that’s what I said in the first place.”

So the old man bought a bun and walked out of the shop.

As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know the time ?”

The man replied, “Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out.”

A man used to go to church with his wife but always fall asleep during the sermon.  The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday tood a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out “….and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th…”  She poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, “Good God almighty !”.  The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right.” And went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again.  When the minister got to “…and who died on the cross to save us from our sins…” the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted, “Jesus Christ !”.  The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right.” And went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and simulated falling asleep again while watching his wife.  When the minister got to “….and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child ?”  the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, “If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’ll break it off !”

A man walks into a bar one night.  He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.  “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent. “  “ONE PENNY !” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied, “Yes.”  So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg ?”  “Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money ?” inquires the guy.  “4 cents.” he replies.

“FOUR cents !” exclaims the guy, “Where’s the Guy who owns this place ?”

The barman replies “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife ?”

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each on in turn.  When he finished them, he comes back into the bar and orders three more.  The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”  The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin.  When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.  He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.  All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”  The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs, “Oh no,” he says, “Everyone is fine.  I’ve just quit drinking !”

A 90 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, “Fred, for your age you’re in the best shape I’ve seen.”  The old feller replied, “Yep.  It comes from clean living.  Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life.”  The doctor asked, “What makes you say that ?”  The old man replied “If I didn’t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.”

The doctor was concerned, “You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you ?”  “Yep,” the old man said, “Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me.”

Well, the doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.

“I just want you to know,” the doctor said, “Your husband’s in fine physical shape but I’m worried about his mental condition.  He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”

“He what ?” she cried.

“He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”

“Aha !!” she exclaimed, “So he’s the one who’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”

Subject  :  Must buy this share, will grow.   Quick ! Call your brokers today.

Recently, there have been a spate of mergers, DBS & POSBANK, Sembawang & STIC, etc.

Rumours in the market have it that Lum Chang and Haw Par plan to merge.  The proposed new name for the Company is, you have guesses it – Lum Par.

However, it is suspected that SES will object to this, since it would be seemed not proper for lady brokers and remisiers to transact LP shares on behalf of their male clients.  Moreover, Lum Par name seems very crude and it means scrotum in Hokkien.  For e.g.  The peope : “How much is Lum Par now ?”,  “I want to sell Lum Par at 60 cents.”  The male broker : “How much do you want to buy Lum Par ?”  The female broker : “Lum Par, 60 cents, sold !”

The newspaper : “Good management lifts Lum Par.”,  “Lum Par drops again.”,  “Lum Par suspended.”, “Plunging Lum Par needs Viagra”,  “Lum Par is being squeezed out as market leader.”

The employees : “We are Lum Par employees.”

The interviewer : “Mr Tan, you have written in your resume that your last company was …er…Lum Par.  Did they treat you so badly that you have to put in an abusive term for them ?”

Share buyer was heard doing a transaction with his remisier over the handphone inside the MRT train.

Buyer : “Hey, Mr Tan, buy for me Lum Par … Neng Liap (literally : Buy for me 2 lots of Lum Par shares)

Remisier : “I can’t hear you properly.  Please repeat your buy order louder.”

Buyer (very loud) : “Lum Par lah … Neng Liap … OK ?”

All the commuters : Stunned, especially the ladies.

Once there was this two American sailors who are good friends.  One was a ‘white’ American and the other was a ‘black’.

One day, their ship was about to harbour at Haadyai, Thailand for a few days as to facilitate their Captain’s official visit to the Royal Highness.  Upon hearing this, the both of them were extremely excited.

As their ship was near the Haadyai port, the two sailors packed their essential belongings as they were about to go to the town for a couple of days.  As they reached the colourful town, the both of them decided to have a stroll and visit some interesting places.  Along the way, they were apparently separated.

And as night fall, the ‘white’ American decided it was useless to search for his friend as he was unfamiliar with his way around town.  As such, he settled for the evening at a budget motel.

As he was about to make his way up his room after checking-in, the ‘tauke’ of the motel enquired whether he would like a Thai massage and a complimentary ‘bang’. The American obliged.  Soon, a pretty young thing came to his room and give him his requests.  It started with a great massage and ended up with a ‘bang’.

The next morning, as the American was checking-out and pay for the room, the ‘tauke’ not only refused to accept his payment but instead gave USD200 to the sailor.

“What’s this ?” asked the sailor.

“Ah…this is money you earn.  Take, take.” The ‘tauke’ said in reply.

Without further question, the sailor walked off as he has nothing to lose but instead gain 200 bucks more.

Then, as he continued his sight-seeing from where he left off yesterday, he bumped into his separated friend.  He told the friend about his sudden fortune and what he has gone through last night … at the motel.

Upon hearing this from his friend, the ‘black’ American sailor set off to the same motel that very evening.  True enough, there was the ‘tauke’, followed by the massage and …..

The very next morning, the ‘black’ American sailor pretended to pay for his room.  As expected, the ‘tauke’ said, “No. No. Here the money you earn.  Take, take.”

Suddenly, the sailor went into a bull of a mood as he was paid USD50.

“What’s this ?” asked the angry ‘black’ American sailor.

“This is money you earn.  Take, take.” Said the ‘tauke’.

“50 bucks ?  You must be out of your mind.  I had a friend who stayed here yesterday and you gave him 200.  Are you giving me less because I’m black ?”

The ‘tauke’ explained, “Oh…That ‘white’ sailor yesterday.  You see man, he make good love to my girl.  I record in video.  I sell the video and make many many money….  You make good love to my girl too but you shut light at room.  You black.  Hard to see.  I take photos, no flash.  Photo make postcard.  I sell, but postcard make little money.  So you get 50 dollar only.  Understand not ?”

Chinese Torture

Once there was a man that survived a terrible crash and was lost in a forest.  He had no idea where he was or which way to go.  He wandered for days and survived on berries and twigs.  He was much too slow to catch any kind of animal and couldn’t even start a fire.  He should have joined the boy scouts when he was young.

After two weeks of wondering he found a thin but three storey house with smoke coming out of the chimney.  Without hesitation, he knocked on the door.  A little man answered the door.  He had a long white beard that hung almost to the floor.

“Please, I need some food and shelter.” Said the young man.

“This I will give you but you must promise not to fool with my lovely daughter.” The old man said.

“Thank you and I wouldn’t think of messing with your daughter.”

“For if you do I will inflict the three most gruesome Chinese torture tests that have ever been devised.”

The man, too weak, agreed not thinking that any woman could arouse him in his weak state.

After a shower and some sleep the man came down to eat.  A grand dinner was set up and the man sat to eat.  The old man’s daughter entered the room and to the great surprise of the yound man, she was most beautiful.  So beautiful that the man could hardly tear his eyes away from her during the meal.

Later that night, the man crept into the girl’s room just to take one last look at her for he promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man gave him.  When he opened the door he saw the girl was awake and to his surprise she ushered him in.  Well being stuck in a forest with just her father doesn’t surpress all urges so one thing lead to another.  They were as quiet as possible not to wake the old man.  After a few hours (Wow) the man crept to his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he just had done.  He fell asleep thinking of her.

He got up and felt and enormous pain on his chest.  It was a rock with a sign on it.  It said : 1^st Chinese Torture, 100 pound rock on chest !

Well this wasn’t hardly what the man thought would rate as torture and threw the rock out of the window.  As he did this he saw a second sign just outside the window.  It said : 2^nd Chinese Torture, Left testicle tied to 100 pound rock !

The man without hesitation jumped out the window knowing a 3 storey drop would be far better than what was in store for him.

As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground.  It said :3^rd Chinese Torture, Right testicle tied to bed post !

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline:

                               Preacher Shows Ass

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said:

                               Preacher's Ass Out In Front

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline:

                               Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read:

                               Nun Has Best Ass In Town

The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated:

                               Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!

They buried the Bishop the next day.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that  the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

This is supposedly an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME    : Greg Bulmash

Sex : Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and

post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: The job sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be

here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Fifty pounds of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE:    Aries.

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home, on a remote island in the Pacific, for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote, "We are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive, native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

One day a convenience store worker was sitting around, not doing much.
At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.
"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.
"No, we don't got any duck food."
"Okay, thanks anyway," says the duck, and walks out.
The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.
"Got any duck food?" he asks.
The clerk is a little annoyed, "No! We don't have any duck food!"
"Fine," the duck says and walks out.
The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks, "Got any duck food?"
By now the clerk is getting very annoyed, "No!" he yells. "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday, don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have any duck food, I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor!!!!"
All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.
On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in. "Got any nails?" the duck asks.
"No we don't got nails."
"Well then," the duck says, "Got any duck food?"

A woman went to the school to register her boys.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy', and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner', and they do," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said, "I just use their last name!"

A mother is laying the table for dinner while talking to her daughter at the same time.

"Sweetie, go clean yourself and wash your hand. Put on a nice dress. We're having Mr. and Mrs. Lee for dinner tonight," the mother instructs.

The little girl looked thoughtful for a while, then said, "Mummy, can we have chicken instead?"

A hurricane came unexpectedly and the cruise ship went down. A man found himself swept up onto the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to a pampered, luxurious lifestyle, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months, he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life as he fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed there when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"There's only me," she said. "And the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him. "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now. Something you've been longing for all these months. You know...?" She stared into his eyes dreamily.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean…?" he replied slowly. "You mean, huh... I can check my e-mail from here?"

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond, keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

No response.

He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response.

Five feet, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

Condom Slogans

Assorted Brands

Nike condoms -- Just do it.
Ford condoms -- The ride of your life.
Sony condoms -- Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
Microsoft condoms -- Where do you want to go today?
KFC condoms -- Finger Licking Good.
M&Ms condoms -- Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
Coca Cola condoms -- The real thing.
Energizer condoms - Keeps on going and going....
Pringles condoms -- Once you pop, you can't stop.

Telecom Brands

Nokia condoms -- This is Human Technology.
Ericsson condoms -- It's all about connecting people.
Motorola condoms -- What you never thought possible.

Movies

Godzilla condoms -- Size does matter!!!!!

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"Hell! I'm telling everybody!"

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the headwaiter one morning and addressed him with a wonderful and cheerful smile.

"Good morning sir. What a wonderful morning! I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold site; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!"

A man comes home with his daughter, who had spent the day with him at work.

The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."

"Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Arthur goes to his doctor. "Doc," he says. "I want to be castrated."

The doctor stares at him in amazement. "What on earth for?" he asks.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and want to have it done," replies Arthur.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind. Either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgement!"

So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his dripstand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there!" says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."

Well," said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Arthur stares at him in horror. "Shit!!! THAT'S the word!!!"

National excuses

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS: Maggi mee.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE: Traffic jam.

NATIONAL CONDOM: None.
Most Asians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rush in to a 7-11, hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye. If it's not available, Asians optimistically apply the other birth control method. (see below)

NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION: Pineapple.

NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK: Stout.
Many swear by it. But after a few pints they start swearing AT everything...

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN): Food poisoning.

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN): Menstrual pain.

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:
Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, early appointment, food not digested yet, air con not cold enough, air con too cold, nail polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period, haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara", depressed, no mood, etc.

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX: None.
Asian men never refuse sex.

NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES: Panadol.
The "cure for all". If it fails we have another secret weapon: tiger balm.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS: Minyak angin cap kapak.

NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES): Happy hour.

NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):

The sight of a police road block.

NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP: Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.

NATIONAL MOST MISPRONOUNCED NAME: Carrefour.
Sometimes even pronounced as "carry four"! On second thoughts, why bother pronouncing Peugeot, Renault or Citroen correctly? I think It sounds better, when the local mechanics say "pew jeot". When I was in school, Milo was always "mee lo". Now that I'm sophisticated, I say "my lo". So don't be embarrassed saying "carry four" when the mat sallehs shamelessly pronounce orang utan as "rangutan".

NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION: The bra-less tourist.
See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a bra-less mat salleh backpacker goes bouncing about on the streets.

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. He continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together one day, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks.

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage on a train.

After their initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep. The man takes the top bunk, and the woman takes the lower bunk.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over and wakes the woman. "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea... just for tonight... let's pretend that we're married."

The man replies with excitement, "Okay! Sure!"

"Good," says the woman. "Get your own damn blanket!"

(> ”” <)

( * o * )

(,,) . (,,)

=============================================================== CONTINUE NEXT ===============================================================

Home Thoughts for Everyday Life Back Next